Kid in my family being mean to DS

[Xero]

I said family but it technically isn't. Basically DH's mom got a divorce some time ago and has not too long ago found a REALLY great guy that she has been in a relationship with. He is divorced as well, a very gentle nice soft spoken guy who really cares about the people around him. My DS (3.5 years old) LOVES him, and I think its great. However, he has kids from a past relationship three of which are girls who are fully grown and have families of their own and one who is a 14 year old boy. He gets the 14 year old boy on the weekends - lets call him "A". Now, I wont say that he is a bad kid, he is okay in some respects, but honestly he is sort of a mouthy brat and can be very mean. The first time we ever went over to their house my MIL actually went out of her way to warn me that he is "REALLY MEAN" to his younger cousin who comes to visit all the time (I think he's like 6 or 7).

At first I didn't think anything of it, but we were over there a few times with DS (the best time to visit is on the weekends because that's when DH and MIL are not working so we always see A when we are over) and just in the time that we were there I noticed A being really mean to DS. It got to the point where I was getting really uncomfortable. Its hard to describe, but basically he would yell at him for doing things wrong, tell him no he was not allowed to do this and that (when really he was) and tell him not to touch things, and yell at him for doing stuff he thought was stupid (which in reality it was totally normal for a 3 year old to do, and he didn't know any better any of these times), or just in general be really harsh with him. It got to the point where DS would just stop playing and start crying because it was overwhelming for him (and this is all stuff A does while I was right there watching and/or listening, who knows what he's like when unsupervised!). A would also insert himself into our conversations as well (which is fine, he is allowed to talk too) and he would say downright rude and obnoxious stuff to anyone he felt like. DH, MIL, my two BIL's, myself. I mean this kid just runs his mouth and he's just so rude and mouthy. Its almost like he just thinks its funny or cool, but I just don't know. Its too awkward to say anything in reply to him most of the time, we all just try to be the adults and brush it off, but the point is that his father stands there and does NOTHING about it - acts like nothing even happend every time. Never says anything to let A know that these things are inappropriate. This goes for when he is treating DS badly and when he is mouthing off to us.

Now its not like he is actually hurting anyone, and its probably SOMEWHAT normal 14 year old behavior, but the problem is that I've gotten to a point of discomfort with him around DS. We were nice enough to let MIL have him for the night over there a couple of Saturdays in the past couple of months and he seemed to have had a great time but the first time he came home acting a little funny but nothing major and the second time he came home with a rotten attitude (talking to us the way A would talk to him, and getting mad or crying for no reason the rest of the day). I could only make the connection that it was due to A being there, and I was also told that he shared a room with A that night (REALLY didn't like that but moving on). So basically MIL is asking for DS to come spend the night again, and geez if it weren't for that rotten kid I would LOVE to let him go because they are so good to him other than letting A get away with treating him like crap!! They completely ignore the entire situation no matter what A says to DS or how he makes him feel, and unfortunately poor DS hasn't grasped the concept of "tattling" yet and he wont come running to an adult to tell them what happened and how unfair it was - he will just stop playing and/or cry and have his feelings hurt and deal with it. I am trying really hard to get him to come to an adult when something bad happens but as of right now I just have to listen for him to start crying or whatever because the only time he'll run to me is if its something really severe or if he hurt himself etc. I don't know why I can't get it into his head to come tell me things!!! Argh. Also its really concerning to me because he doesn't seem to remember anything to tell me when he gets home from places either - so I can only guess what bothered him while he was gone because he never comes home and says "A was mean to me" or what have you. The poor little goof ball only remembers the good stuff, which is wonderful I suppose in some respects! lol He'll come home and tell me all about the cows he got to go see or the picture he made me at Sunday school. Ahh man.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just don't know what to do! Is it crazy that I am considering keeping him from spending the night over there on the weekends because of that kid?? The worst part about it is that there is no options to have him over on the weekdays. It would work for me, but not MIL who works five days a week first shift. I mean am I sheltering him from the world? Surely he will run into people like that his whole life, and he needs to learn how to deal with it, but I just can't stand the thought of him being mistreated by anyone. It kills me and I just don't think I can do it! And I just don't know if I can say anything to MIL about it, or even what I would say! But it looks a lot like MIL will be staying with and maybe even marrying this guy someday! What the heck do I do?? It just sucks so bad because other than A he absolutely adores going over there.

Edited to add: I should also mention that DH has NO IDEA what I'm talking about, and when I expressed my concerns to DH who usually agrees with me on practically everything especially when it comes to DS he said that he "didn't notice anything" that I was talking about, and that he thinks the kid is "pretty cool" for his age. And like... he thought DS enjoyed playing with him. Its like I'm crazy or something! But I honestly think that sometimes DH isn't paying attention when I am, I mean my mom radar is always listening to what is going on with my DS and I didn't like what I heard! I guess my main fear though is that I'm the ONLY one that thinks there is a problem and that kind of thing is what leads to me being the crazy paranoid bitch mom that makes mountains out of molehills lol you know?

[mom2many]

No, I would not allow Eli to go back. Yes A is typical for some 14 year olds, however that does not make it acceptable and no one stepping in is only allowing him to think it is. You know by now I am pretty relaxed and very few things phase me this however wouldn't even be acceptable in my book.

When you are there and witnessing it...step up. Parent the A if no one else will cause it directly effects your child and you have every right to protect him. If they don't like then make it very clear that either they do it or you will, make it your hill to die on.

As for MIL explain to her what you told us here, explain that while Eli had fun he (even if it isn't quite true) doesn't feel comfortable with A and the treatment he get's. He may not be saying it in words he is clearly letting his actions tell you. Remember to be careful and not blame A it's gonna be a hard thing to do but you do need to defend Eli until he is old enough to knock the kid in the head

Eli's mimicking is also completely normal and bound to happen sooner or later, just let him know that it isn't ok. He will understand.

[MomoJA]

I completely agree with M2M.

I have something of the same dilemma with my sister's oldest son, but he is only 8 and his behaviors are different.

It sounds like it might be jealousy, or misdirected anger, but even if it is not physical and it is even hard to put your finger on, your child is being affected. He's at a very impressionable age and he's learning behaviors, he's exploring his boundaries to see where he is safe, etc. I'd keep him away if I could.

Good luck.

[stjohnjulie]

Sadly, I wouldn't let him stay the night either. Stinks, but I just wouldn't. And I totally wouldn't be comfortable with Eli sharing a room with him at night. Go with your gut on this one.

And for everybody's sake, say something when A is acting out. You don't want Eli thinking that this is the way one should behave, and by not saying anything, you are giving this message to him and A. He's not going to like it...but it has to be done if for no other reason than you don't want Eli acting like that.

Would it be possible for you to spend some time with A? Figure out what is going on in that crazy hormonal 14 year old brain of his? He is going to listen to what you have to say if you can build some kind of relationship with him, a level of trust and respect. You can use some positive reinforcement with him...show him how it's done so he can start using it in his life and see how much better things go for him and everyone around him.

I know you don't want to cause a 'rift' with the family, but I encourage you to listen to your gut. Seems like every time I say "oh, you are just being crazy overprotective..." to myself, I end up regretting not listening to myself.

Good luck!

[Incogneato]

I actually agree with everything that's been said above. Step up to the plate for your son's benefit...if nobody else will call A out on his misbehavior or rudeness, then you do it. If they don't like it, then they either need to do their job as a parent or tell you that they feel A's behavior is acceptable to them, in which case you obviously wouldn't want Eli to go back over until it can be corrected.

[Dadu2004]

It seems to me that "A" is a typical smart-ass know it all bossy 14 year old boy who's never really spent significant time around small children. So, it sucks, but I think "A" is probably obnoxiously normal.

That being said...is there a possibility that you and DH could spend the night over there as well? That way, Eli could be there for the night, but you'd be around to supervise as well.

Also...feel free to be rather blunt with "A". If he's doing something with Eli that you don't approve of, speak up. No need to discuss with MIL or "A's" father, just talk to him directly.

[Xero]

Thanks everyone, I think you're all totally right on this. I talked to DH about it and he believes me and agrees. The good news is that I think I may have been wrong about their custody arrangement, I think that MIL's BF only gets "A" every OTHER weekend - in which case, that would work out fine. It will still be really awkward to have to tell MIL why DS can only come over on certain weekends, but I can't worry about hurting feelings when it comes to protecting my kid. In fact, I have had to hurt a lot of feelings on behalf of my son since becoming a mother! I guess its just one of those tough things that comes with being a parent, huh?

Other than that, I think we will still end up visiting with them often enough when A is around (we always visit on weekends since it works for DH's and MIL's schedules) and I am definitely going to put my foot down. I think I held back a little too much the last couple of times we were over there because we were just meeting them and getting to know them, we didn't have any type of comfort level with each other to where I felt I could put their kid in his place. That doesn't mean I shouldn't have though - I should have. And I'm going to, I mean heck I'll say stuff to the kids of random strangers in public if I feel like no one else is going to reprimand them and its affecting my child. I don't give a crap! lol I guess I just worry about offending MIL. But she already has told me that the kid is mean, and I think that she will be understanding. Personally I'm not very happy with her for ignoring the behavior either, letting her own grandson get mistreated in favor of not offending her BF about his a-hole son. :/

Dadu - We couldn't spend the night over there, they have a super small house and there wouldn't be any place for us, plus aside from what a huge inconvenience it would be for us (ew I can't stand spending the night anywhere but my own house) it would probably really either confuse or offend them if we asked lol. They'd either know what we were up to and the situation would be awkward, or they would just plain not understand why a couple of adults wanted to spend the night at someone else's house lol.

Julie - As for spending time with A and getting to know him etc, I definitely feel you on that concept and I can't deny that it might be helpful but I'm no saint and I just don't have the time of day to give a crap lol if I may be blunt. Its not my problem why he is such a brat, and its not my problem to change him or understand him. I also am not the most patient person in the world, and the minute he would start to irritate me I'd be done. And guaranteed, he would irritate me - right away. I have all the patience and time in the world for my own kid, unfortunately I can't say the same about myself for other people's kids. I'm just being honest!!!!! Not trying to sound like a jerk!! I just know that idea wouldn't work out for me.

Thank you so much for all the advice, I totally appreciate you guys reading through my small novel lol!!

[stjohnjulie]

Originally Posted by Xero

Julie - As for spending time with A and getting to know him etc, I definitely feel you on that concept and I can't deny that it might be helpful but I'm no saint and I just don't have the time of day to give a crap lol if I may be blunt. Its not my problem why he is such a brat, and its not my problem to change him or understand him. I also am not the most patient person in the world, and the minute he would start to irritate me I'd be done. And guaranteed, he would irritate me - right away. I have all the patience and time in the world for my own kid, unfortunately I can't say the same about myself for other people's kids. I'm just being honest!!!!! Not trying to sound like a jerk!! I just know that idea wouldn't work out for me.

That doesn't make you bad Actually, it makes you good! I have a hard time not dragging in every 'stray' that comes across my path. I have a huge weakness for the 'bad' kids. I think that all of my nieces and nephews would move in with me if they could. I'm the sucker they call when they want minutes on their GoPhones. It's smart to know your limits and not take on more than you can handle. I need to get better about that.

[Xero]

lol, well somebody's got to do it! We need a healthy balance in the world between the nice patient people and the meanies like me hahaha.

[kara]

Originally Posted by Dadu2004

Also...feel free to be rather blunt with "A". If he's doing something with Eli that you don't approve of, speak up. No need to discuss with MIL or "A's" father, just talk to him directly.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. There are a couple of general rules I follow in life... when you're in MY house, it's my rules, and when you are dealing with MY kid, I am always allowed to insert my opinion. (This will change as they age and no longer need mommy the protector, obviously, but for now, it works.)