I'm going insane!

[CRAZYMAN]

Hi all!
My daughter 13 almost 14 is really starting to push the buttons .Everything is a high volume argument lately doesn't matter what it is she will not say ok mom or ok dad or sorry that was wrong she will continue on and on with thing like a dog with a bone until you blow!If I say no you can't go to the movies tonight for whatever reason ,she will continue on and on until it is a big fight .Where as if she said ok I might reconsider and find a way for her to go or I may be looking for away to get her there another night or something that would be good for her in the end .
She wants to go out with a 16-17 year old well that's a definite no in my books I was a 16-17 year old boy and I know what up with that!She says that it's a compliment that he want to go out with her he could have anyone he wants.....Yah right if that was correct he would be after the girls his age or older.She isn't allowed to date I say until she is 16 and her marks are good then I may consider it but now, I don't even think she is ready.I believe that she is three way calling him through a friend and sneaking on the computer also if she can but her computer time is limited as we watch it very closely.She shows no respect to anyone in the house if she's in that mood .She will walk in the room and totally ignore her sister who may be talking to her or ignore me if I ask her to do something.And that just drives me up the wall!
I don't want to alienate her but everything now is a head butting game.
She however is a good student with good marks (I'm worried this is going to change)She takes dance classes ,piano lessons,band and is involved with after school musicals and such.She is a very smart and beautiful girl ! So I do expect the boys to start arriving.But she seams to be boy crazy always talking about them and such and I know she really wants a boy friend or a boy to like her.And I know she's not really very wise about some of the things that will come with that.And even though I hate it I know it's going to be part of being a dad GRRRRRR! If you build it they will come ....well I know they will come !And I have to do it two more times GRRRRRR!

Any advise ?
Thanks!

[mommy4]

Sorry I do not have any advice for you. I do however know what you are going through I have 4 girls. The 2 oldest are 17 and 13. The 17 year old we have had no problems with, but the 13 year old.........well lets just say some nasty alien has taken over her body and I want it to leave!

[Mouser]

My kids are young, however I have a sister that just turned 15, and we are very close. I also remember what it was like to be that age. One thing you have to remember, the more you say no the more ways she will find to make your life hell. I am not say to give in, but with the boy things, I would let her invite one over, so you can keep and eye on them, however, you are not telling her she can't have boy friends. Also if you do that, give them their space (not to much of course, let them have the living area while you and your wife maybe in the kitchen), She is going though the boy crazy stage and it doesn't end for a long time. Remember what it was like being that young and wanting freedom. Let her know that she needs to gain the trust to have a little more freedom, and that starts with respect, not only to you and your wife, but to other people in the house and outside. Also, when she starts in on you guys, stick to your guns, do give in to the fighting. Let her throw the fit, and if you have to, send her to her room. Nothing happens over night, however, you are the parent and she is the child (no matter what age). My mom tried to keep me from doing things, so I rebelled, but with my other sister (she is 21 now) she let her have a little more freedom, and let her have friends over (guy friends), and she is still a good kid. I wont say she makes all the right choices, but she has more respect for herself and her body then most girls her age. I don't know what else to tell you. Keep the eyes on here, but also talk to her as if she were an adult. She needs to understand YOU are the boss of the house, but you are also there to listen.
Don't know if any of this will help. Good luck.

[SageMother]

This is one of those times where the mother or some other trusted woman should take the lead. Women really should be the ones to make the rules about the dating age, etc., with daughters because they have particular insight where dad's tend to get stuck in the protecting my little girl mode and she's not a little girl anymore...at least that is what I have seen.

The explanations of the restrictions need to stop. As soon as she starts in you need to simply walk out of the room. Don't worry about teaching her to be rude by doing so, don't fall for any guilt trips. End the exposure, tell her she can take it up with her mother or she can write a letter/essay explaining her position and her questions.

Has her mom started looking at birth control options? I know that really makes people cringe but it is better to be practical than idealistic. When my sons turned 13 I bought a huge box of condoms for them and their step dad showed all of us how they were applied, using a broom stick handle...had you nervous there I bet...LOL...but I thought it was important that they know that I was not squeamish about such issues, and I knew what the possibilites were.

Very often things drive us nuts because we don't have a plan, or we have one and fail to stick to it. Try creating one. You might feel it best to have another woman, in addition to mom, mentor your daughter in the ways of womanhood. This might give her the feeling of power and control that she is attempting to exert without it being an opportunity for drama.

[mamab]

The advice you've been given is great so far. The only thing I would add is that possibly you could sit her down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her that you remember what it's like to be that age, but from the boy's point of view. You might want to matter-of-factly explain to her what was going through YOUR mind at that time, and that usually a boy that age isn't interested in getting to know you in any way except the "Biblical" way, thinking that someone that young won't put up too much of a fight. If she doesn't believe you, do you have friends that have teenage boys? Maybe you could have the teenage boy explain the way guys think, all the while you're there keeping an eye on HIM.

Another suggestion might be that you allow her to date, as long either your wife or you can chaperone. I know she'll cringe at the thought, but you can tell her it's that way or no way. She, however, gets to choose.

I wholeheartedly agree with meeting the young man she's interested. Besides getting to know him, you also have the opportunity to explain YOUR rules to him, why you have them, and what'll happen if they're not adhered to. That way, you don't have to worry that he doesn't know when curfew is, what you deem as appropriate places to go, etc.

Hope some of that helps.

[msmrsmom3]

Hi

First it sounds like your daughter is motivated, engaged and just being a teenager. You should reinforce this fact by praising grades, etc. Since she is doing well at this tell her that she has earned the opportunity of having some co-ed friiends over. She has shown you that she knows how to handle the responsibilities of school and her activities so if she wants to have the responsibliity of planning somethng at your house for a couple of early evening hours then let her invite them. You be there dropping in more food and soda etc. When they leave have her help you clean up and you can chat a bit about how nice her friends are, how she has picked some very great kids as her friends etc.
See how that goes!
Good luck

[Kaytee]

You have been given great advice. I don't have anything to really add since mine is still very young. I do have 2 neices that age. But........... I agree, so lol sorry not much help

[dad_of_son]

As for the arguing, have you tried saying no without explanation of why other than maybe one time, the first time, and after that just NO and nothing else? I think the idea of telling her "no, but you can have him over for to join us for dinner sometime" and see what happens.

[newdad06]

My stepdaughter is also 13 almost 14 and thinks she's 18. Smile Crazyman, smile. The more I interact with parents of 13 year old girls the more I realize how remarkable their ability to drive people insane is. No matter how logical the reason you have for saying "no" to her she will continue to ask you "But why", because in her mind if the answer isn't "yes." You haven't given her a reason. Example:

DD: Can I take the car out tonight?
You: No
DD: Why not?
You: Because your only thirteen years old.
DD: So, Why can't I take the car out.
You: Because, the law says you have to be at least 16 and have a drivers license.
DD: But, Why?
You: Because 13 year olds are not yet ready for the responsibility that comes with driving a car.
DD: I'm only going to my friends house, its not far. Can't I take it this one time?
You: No
DD: But, why?
You: Because its against the law, your not insure, there's no gas in the car, and I said so.
DD: But, why?
You: Because I said so.
DD: But, why?
You: BECAUSE I SAID SO.
DD: That's not a reason. Just tell me why?
You: I already told you, its against the law, your not insured, there's no gas in the car, Because I said so, because I'm the father and your the daughter. And by the way,"Because I said so." Is the only reason you need.
DD: That's not a reason. Can't I please take it tonight?
YOU: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I already told you. No, no, no, no, no....

I think you get the point. I have no good advice to offer. Just lettin you know your not alone.

[mamab]

It's not only girls that have that circular thought pattern when asking to do something. And I've used that "Because I said so," line myself a time or two. And on it goes, and mine is only 9 !