Separated Parents - How to Handle Differences?

[Side_Kick]

Hi all!

I do not hope that there are too many others in a similar situation, but am running out of ideas of my own in this instance... My son has unsupervised access with his father, and his girlfriend is at each and every visit - always has been. This hasn't been too much of a problem (although she can be somewhat aggressive with me, and definitely over-asserts herself into discussions that really should only involve myself and my son's father) until recently.

It seems that as my son's speech has been improving lately, I have learned that she is constantly probing him about details about our home-life together. For over two months now, she has been regularly harassing my son about attending school (he's not quite four yet), although he and I have thoroughly discussed our plan to home-school. Without, of course, maturely or reasonably asking me/talking to me about our plan. The other issue I have with this, is that as far as I can tell (and from what my son says on the subject), his father is either supportive or apathetic about our choice to home-school - in other words, this is just her difference of opinion.

My boy dropped a bomb on me last night, though. Without any relative context, as soon as I sat at the table to join him for dinner, he told me she said that the fact that I work from home is "silly." My real problem with this entire situation is that I cannot discuss or even approach subjects/issues such as this with either his father or the girlfriend - they are both notorious for completely flying off the handle, putting words in my mouth, becoming unreasonably defensive, and then "retaliating" against what they interpret as an offensive on my part.

So my question is this - without being able to maintain responsible and productive dialogue between ourselves (by which I mean, the adults, and not putting my son in the middle of these matters) what can I do to minimize the impact of these obvious yet passive-aggressive disagreements on my son? The first thing that comes to my mind, is obviously to never treat my son the same way, by turning him into a messenger or trying to manipulate him to disagree with them... But I find myself second-guessing some things I'm saying/doing, wondering if it will cause him more emotional troubles.

For example, I generally tell my son that if people try to discuss a topic that upsets him (be it family, neighbors, friends, kids at playgroup, etc), just calmly tell them that the subject upsets him, and ask to "please talk about something else." This has come in handy with the constant nagging about going to public school (although she obviously ignores him, and keeps pushing the subject anyway). But I wonder if I should suggest to him to use the same method when other people are talking negatively about our lifestyle choices, or about myself. Not that he should keep all of our activities a super-spy secret, but he said himself that it upset him to have her call my work "silly," and frankly - I don't believe my (VERY YOUNG) son should have to hear any trash-talk about either of his parents.

I certainly don't want to treat him like a pawn, trying to get him to tell them to back off because I can't, but I also don't want to let my son get put in this in-the-middle position. I can't force them to be mature about the situation, and understand the dangers of causing our son emotional harm by "pitting" him against one-another, but I want to give him the tools to protect himself from it. Or at least try to. Does anyone have any ideas?

Thank you so much!

[IADad]

Sure, you can help him to cope with comments that bother him, but the real issue here are the adults who can't seem to be civil.

You can't control what the gf does, I think that's the first thing to understand. Consider that she may not really be being intentionally passive agressive, maybe she's just dumb enough to air her unfiltered thoughts in front of a child without thinking about any farther reaching consequences. Some people are like that.

Regardless, you need to have a discussion with her and perhaps with dad, about the fact that you are hearing critical comments from your son about you and that you don't think it's very wise or productive that he be put in that role. Then you will have voiced your thoughts and move on.

[mom2many]

I have been thinking on this since you first posted it and I don't have an answer today anymore then I did yesterday.

[Side_Kick]

Hi IADad - Thank you for the outside perspective on the subject! You may be entirely right that she may not be trying to be passive-aggressive, and though it comes across that way to me (as it has with countless many other past interactions), it's one of those situations wherein if I let myself believe that's what she is doing, that's how I will ultimately perceive it, and that alone will also aggravate me. Whether or not she is doing this intentionally, I should approach it as though it were innocent, even just for my own better emotional state.

I do wonder if I should talk to them about this, as my son came home from another visit last night, and they sent him along with a backpack "for his school lunches." In my opinion (although I realize, I'm biased lol) this is beyond crossing the line. And my son is just getting put right dead-centre of it, and he's getting very annoyed. My biggest issue however is that it is indescribably difficult to discuss any subjects with them, as they immediately jump on the defense, and generally respond with ridiculous, and over-the-top verbal assaults against me. (Something I wish my neighbors to be spared from, as well as myself.)

I suppose I don't expect this to blow over or go away on its own, but I wonder if I should wait for it to become a real problem, before bothering to start what could become a major drama and conflict, potentially lasting months (they hold grudges very well)? My son tells me that when they pester him about school, that he tells them he CAN go to school, but WANTS to stay home with Mommy, and asks to please talk about something else. And I wonder if it would merely just be a matter of time after time hearing this response, that she might finally decide to stop wasting her energy on this.

He also told me that his father apparently supports him staying home, but that it's the girlfriend who is pressing this matter. So the other thing in my mind is if I even really need to address this, and if so, who would I talk to? I really don't believe I can talk to her, because she loses her temper and self-control over the simplest of the littlest matters, but I'm sure that talking to my ex about her would infuriate her even more... Ah! I'm a bit scared, and completely at a loss... :S

But when you say I will have "voiced my thoughts and then move on," are you suggesting that their reaction should be of little consequence, so long as I have been mature and adult enough to address this in a straight-forward manner? I would hope it could be that simple, but I worry that they would stay so angry at me, and try to manipulate my son more in some other matter to pay me back. The most important part of this entire situation to me is protecting my son from the awkward position of being put in the middle, and I wouldn't want to bat the bee's nest, so to speak...

Mom2Many - I've been thinking on this for literally weeks, and have no solution, so no worries! lol But thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and think on it!

[mom2many]

As for the backpack, my kids are homeschooled and we still find plenty of use's for them, so while her intentions may have been less then admirable the gift itself is still useful.

Have you thought of writing a letter to the girlfriend, explaining to her about how her actions are hurting your son? Have someone else read it to make sure that there are no parts that come across confrontational. Explain that at the age of 4 he is not capable of swatting the passive/aggressive comments away like most adults would.

[Side_Kick]

Hi Mom2Many - My son told me last night that he "isn't going to school, so we can use the bag to go to the store and downtown." This morning, we used it to store the neighborhood newsletters we delivered.

I had thought about a letter, but the trouble would be with the delivery... The only time I ever see her is when she comes with my ex to pick up and drop off my boy, and they both seem to almost get off on confrontation, so I don't think she would wait to get home before reading it... And that would be particularly awkward. I suppose I could mail it, but they are somewhat paranoid sometimes too (thinking I'll take them to court for silly things, though I've never, not once suggested anything of the kind) that they might question my motivation, disregard the contents of the letter, and still be mad as anything at me anyway.

This situation is really strange for me, because I am a very proactive person, who prefers to face her problems head-on. And I generally do not cower away from confrontation, as I always try to view it as an experience to gain insight and/or perspective. With these two however, it seems that no matter which method I choose, wording I use, or how I phrase the introduction/end-statement of my point, the result is always the same - defensiveness, attacks on me, and grudges held for exceptionally long periods of time, usually with little manipulative paybacks throughout.

I had thought of sending a general email to my ex, not mentioning any specific situations (though I'm sure he can surmise for himself what I am referring to), in hopes to minimize the defensiveness. My thought was to address him simply on the fact that our son is getting older, and with that may come situations wherein we will have differing opinions/viewpoints, and just kindly ask him if we can promise each other to agree to civilized, respectful dialogue on any such disagreements, and especially to keep our son out of it. That way, it's not directed at anyone in particular, or in reference to the school thing, but hopefully will simply come across as a realization, and a simple hope to be prepared for what might occur.

I really do want to get along with both of them, not just for my son's sake, but even for my own (I am not a fan of drama - I like the simple, peaceful, quiet, happy life). I'm just not so confident that it is a mutual hope/goal...

[K_Stepmom2b]

I'm not a direct parent but a step parent, But what we do in our house, is never to speak negatively in front of the child about the other parent, regardless of our feelings about another or anything in regard to the other parent, or any situation involving the other house.

We had to have a conversation as such with my stepdaughters mother as well and we can only hope that no malicious words are said in front of the child in their household.

You should probably have a discussion with the father away from the GF and hope that he implements that rule or something along those lines in his household too.

Good luck.

[Side_Kick]

Thank you, K_Stepmom2b! I'm sorry that you had to experience similar issues - I understand that the situation can be caused on either end, but it's a shame that it has to happen at all - for everyone involved, but mostly for the kids who get caught up in it.

So as a stepmother, you wouldn't have found it offensive for the birth mother to discuss things directly with the father, as opposed to with you? My one concern with addressing this to my son's father is that this current issue is in regard to what she is doing/saying based on her difference of opinion with mine, and I wouldn't want her to think I was trying to undercut her or anything similar...

I have also experienced quite serious communication problems with his father in the past (he slams doors, swears at me, flips me off in front of the neighbors, etc) - what do you think of the route of sending a "general, let's keep the discussions away from our son's ears" subject email?

As reluctant as I am to bring this all up out of fear of it inadvertently causing a series of larger problems, this doesn't seem like something that will diminish on its own - in fact, as my son gets older (i.e. more easily manipulated) this could possibly get rather out of control down the road. But at the same time, I realize that little of what I can say/do has any effect on what they choose to do, and to put it quite simply - if they want to carry on this behavior, they will.

Does everyone think the risk of creating a bigger storm is worth it, and that I should go ahead and confront this situation? (If I get enough "yay" votes, my courage may go up. lol)

[K_Stepmom2b]

From my situation, I think that its pretty different. From the start I never wanted to make mention of anything that would undermine the mother in front of the child. And I wouldn't dare say anything mean about the parent in front of the child. That wouldn't be fair.
In my situation, the mother has never really said any other words directly to me other than "hello" or small talk when she picks up the little one. I think if the relationship was a positive relationship- I would not mind in any way having a constructive conversation. But in our case, the mother speaks to the father, as while I am the other parent... it is their child. The father and i have our own set of opinions and those are discussed, but that is through the two of them for the time being.

I think if you suggest that behavior does not take place in front of the child and only positive comes out of the mouth if nothing at all... it could help. You never know until you try.
If it bothers you enough, i don't see any reason to not bring it up. However, I could be wrong.