How to handle this bully?

[Mountain9Mom]

Thank you all for the valuable suggestions. I learned a lot.

I deleted it because I don't want that mom or someone involved saw me here. Sorry.

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by Mountain9Mom

What can I do now?!!!!

I think you have two possible things to do.

First, you can go talk to the teacher again, but this time try not to approach her with anger. It's hard for a teacher: she really cannot see everything that is happening and she is is confronted by angry parents asking her to take sides.

Instead, stay calm. Explain that you understand that your daughter may be shy or may not give a lot of details to her, but that with you, in the safety of your home, she did tell you what happened and you sincerely believe it. Then tell her you are concerned, that you understand she is stuck in the middle of this and that you assure her you don't want her to take side or to embarrass her; what you want is to protect your daughter.
So instead of telling her what to do or demanding a solution, ask her for advice. Ask her: "I don't know what to do, but I am afraid my daughter is getting bullied and I really need your help to see what we could do about it. What do you suggest?"

If you take this approach, you might have a lot more success in finding a solution.

If this does not work...

Your next step is to address this to the teacher's boss, going to the school principal. AGAIN, keep your calm and use the above approach: ask for collaboration, rather than demand actions or display anger. It's a lot more effective. Good luck!

[bssage]

IMHO I agree with pstc. Taking an adversarial approach cant help. Rather I would solicit help from the teacher. Let it seem like the corrective action is her idea. It seems people are more likely to listen if they anticipate you listening to them. I also would let it cool for a little first.

Then IMHO document document document. Write dates times the more specific the better. Get specifics from the teacher. I cant stress enough write it down.

Last the teacher may be right. It could very well be little girl drama. And even if it is not sometimes best friends are forged after a fight. I am not advocating to ignore. Only to leave room for little girls to make mistakes (even little bullies) and be able learn from them. Dont get so wrapped up that you are unable to forgive and forget. Keep you options open.

Thats just my opinion.

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by bssage

Then IMHO document document document. Write dates times the more specific the better. Get specifics from the teacher. I cant stress enough write it down.

Oh yes! yes yes yes, 100% yes, best advice on this thread.
Document everything. It's really important if you ever have to escalate, so you have a diary to show and can cite precise names, places and dates with events. When your daughter told you something and what it was. When the teacher said something, and what it was. When the other mom said or did something, and what. etc.

One more thing: the same kind of dialog can be discussed with your daughter, to help her deal with the situation. After you have listened to her: "So this is what happened. I see... so what are we going to do about it?"

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by parentastic

I think you have two possible things to do.

First, you can go talk to the teacher again, but this time try not to approach her with anger. It's hard for a teacher: she really cannot see everything that is happening and she is is confronted by angry parents asking her to take sides.

Instead, stay calm. Explain that you understand that your daughter may be shy or may not give a lot of details to her, but that with you, in the safety of your home, she did tell you what happened and you sincerely believe it. Then tell her you are concerned, that you understand she is stuck in the middle of this and that you assure her you don't want her to take side or to embarrass her; what you want is to protect your daughter.
So instead of telling her what to do or demanding a solution, ask her for advice. Ask her: "I don't know what to do, but I am afraid my daughter is getting bullied and I really need your help to see what we could do about it. What do you suggest?"

If you take this approach, you might have a lot more success in finding a solution.

If this does not work...

Your next step is to address this to the teacher's boss, going to the school principal. AGAIN, keep your calm and use the above approach: ask for collaboration, rather than demand actions or display anger. It's a lot more effective. Good luck!

Thanks.

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by bssage

The Last the teacher may be right. It could very well be little girl drama. And even if it is not sometimes best friends are forged after a fight. I am not advocating to ignore. Only to leave room for little girls to make mistakes (even little bullies) and be able learn from them. Dont get so wrapped up that you are unable to forgive and forget. Keep you options open.

Thats just my opinion.

Actually that mom and girl are well known as bullies.

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by bssage

Then IMHO document document document. Write dates times the more specific the better. Get specifics from the teacher. I cant stress enough write it down.

Thats just my opinion.

Good idea. I wish I knew this earlier.

I just wonder, If I write down "on X/X/X, her mom stoped us and said......... ". But her mom said "No, I didn't." Will the document be useless again?

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by Mountain9Mom

I just wonder, If I write down "on XXX, her mom stoped us in parking lot and said......... ". But her mom said "No, I didn't." Will the document be useless again?

It's not each individual log entry that matters.
It's the pattern amongst them.

She may say "No I didn't", but if she doesn't have a diary, then your story is documented and hers is not.
Of course, if anybody else is present, make sure to include their name in your diary, so that if needs be, they can be asked to confirm your story.

[bssage]

Originally Posted by Mountain9Mom

I just wonder, If I write down "on XXX, her mom stoped us in parking lot and said......... ". But her mom said "No, I didn't." Will the document be useless again?

Originally Posted by parentastic

She may say "No I didn't", but if she doesn't have a diary,

Thats a fact Jack. Also without a written record she is not likely to have specific times, dates, names, sequence of events. You will. It make it very difficult to argue when hers is filled with "ummmss" and "I think". Throw into the pages anything specific write ups from the teachers ect.

And that nice for the teacher/parent and devil behind their back has been around forever. I call that the Eddie Haskell syndrome (Anybody???). People see through that.

[IADad]

I kind of got lost in the whole "she did this and that" flow, but I think I get the gist.

Yes, document, recreate as much of the past as you can right now, and write down everything else, especially when you get something confirming from a teacher or administrator.

The one thing that JUMPED off the screen at me was you saying the teacher said your daughter "seemed happy, not scared..." so, she did notice something earlier, but since it wasn't being a big disruptive deal she chose not to deal with it....just reading between the lines, but to me, that's what that says....

Your daughter has a right to be happy and proceed with her day, she also needs to learn how to handle difficult situations and it seems this girl needs to learn how to get along in ways other than what she was taught by her mother.


Oh, and when you said she held her wrists...hmmm, I wonder where she learned to do that...