How to handle this bully?

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by IADad

The one thing that JUMPED off the screen at me was you saying the teacher said your daughter "seemed happy, not scared..." so, she did notice something earlier, but since it wasn't being a big disruptive deal she chose not to deal with it....just reading between the lines, but to me, that's what that says....

Yes, she did.

[Mom2all]

How old are these children? 3 or 4? I know that a child that young might be a bully, but I have trouble thinking that one that young would be able to plot like you believe happened. I'm not taking away from your concern for your child not wanting to play with her, But for a child at 4 to rough house another child, (out of view of her teacher), then make sure she tells her evil back up, (Mom), when she gets there to make sure her she intercepts you from talking to the teacher about a fight that was never seen to begin with.... that just takes a lot of evil forethought. She'd have to be a baby genius to plot all that out.

I worked in a daycare/pre-school for a little while years ago and saw meek children and strong willed ones that were rather bossy, but none with the capability of that kind of rational thought. Perhaps the teacher is thinking along those same lines.

The good news is that you said it seems to have stopped now and your daughter reports the girl on better behavior. Now the teacher is watching and the child seems to be acting better, you may have solved the problem without having to do more.

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by Mom2all

How old are these children?

5. Yes, I'm surprised too. But I think the one plotting is her mom instead of her. She just follow her mom's direction. She did report everything to her mom, even before she chased after my daughter. At that time, everytime I met that mom, I felt she is so creepy. She knew everything about my daughter in school, just like a spy.

[NancyM]

Hi Mountain9mom
Welcome to the board

In reality there's only one way to handle a bully and it's to fight back. No one likes to say it, because we don't want our children to think it's ok to use violence, but I think we've all been there, or have seen what happens to the child being picked on,... it only gets worse for them!! The bully doesn't back down because our children 'ignore' them, or our children 'use their words' (as I use to tell my son. NOPE...he got punched in the face instead.)

My son was also in pre-school he just turned 4, and this bigger boy began to shove him around all them time. After countless times trying to 'ignore the bully and talk to him' I told my son that when he feels that the time is here when he wants to hit back than it's ok if he does.

And sure enough that day came and my son knocked this big boy right on his butt. Guess what? The bullying stopped.

Your little 'victim' will have to take a stand eventually. I understand that your daughter is shy, my son was shy too and gentle as well.

Maybe instead of her hitting back if she's smaller or too afraid, your daughter can learn to yell at this girl just like we teach them to yell at a stranger. She can yell "Stop it leave me alone" or 'Don't hit/push/me" or just the word "NO!" loud enough so the teacher has to look at them, and now the teacher can NOT deny that something is going on.

Practice this at home with her because many times kids are afraid to yell in the class let her know YOU said it's alright and you will talk to the teacher later if she gets in trouble.

Tell her to yell as often as she feels necessary, it will also empower her somewhat so she doesn't feel like a sitting duck and starts believing there's nothing she can do about the abuse.

I hope this helps and you find a way to solve this problem for your daughters sake asap.

[bssage]

Another effective strategy is name dropping.

Send the teach, And the mom an email. Take your time. remember 90% of the time spent on a good email should be editing. Short, Concise, and to the point. Cut out anything at all that may confuse. Use words that indicate a need for help, rather than place blame. Its hard to do.

Save it to drafts and visit it a couple times when you are in different moods. Then send.

Attach receipts and CC the principal. Make sure its CC (Carbon copy) not BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) You want them to see that you are OK getting everyone involved.

That would be a last resort for me. But it is a very effective one.

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by NancyM

She can yell "Stop it leave me alone" or 'Don't hit/push/me" or just the word "NO!" loud enough so the teacher has to look at them, and now the teacher can NOT deny that something is going on.

Thank you. Maybe this is the way to solve it eventually. I taught her to say No, but it didn't work well. I think I should practice with her at home as you suggested.

[Mountain9Mom]

Originally Posted by bssage

Another effective strategy is name dropping.

Send the teach, And the mom an email. Attach receipts and CC the principal. Make sure its CC (Carbon copy) not BCC (Blind Carbon Copy) You want them to see that you are OK getting everyone involved.

That would be a last resort for me. But it is a very effective one.

Somehow I don't feel very confident to do it right now. If we get the teacher's boss involved, sometimes, the teacher will tend to say nothing happened to prove she has no responsiblity and protect herself.

[NancyM]

Originally Posted by Mountain9Mom

Thank you. Maybe this is the way to solve it eventually. I taught her to say No, but it didn't work well. I think I should practice with her at home as you suggested.

Yes, I use to be shy too and I never wanted to draw attention to myself by getting loud, I became embarrassed first, so I took a lot of crap from other kids. That's why I taught my son to make noise when someone hurts him, or bothers him.

We actually had to practice at home with him yelling 'NO' because he didn't want to draw attention to himself either and after a few practice yells he was fine , and that worked for him in school too.