New Step Mommy

[new_stepmommy]

Hi everyone... my first post and I know its going to be a long one but its the reason I joined so I'm looking for some advice please!

My BF has always said that he would never introduce his daughter to any GF unless he knew he would end up marrying her. Well, my BF and I have decided that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together and I'm going to become a step mommy. The situation is enough to handle in itself but it gets slightly more complicated.

My BF's biological daughter... Em is 4, his step-daughter, Bails is 7 and my BF has legal guardianship of her and takes both girls every other weekend. The issue at hand is that we know there is going to be some issues dealing with my BF's ex wife as well as Bails, because we are beginning to think that her time with my BF as her father is limited. Bails' biological dad is coming back into the picture and is extremely confused. In her confusion she is taking it out on BF and it does hurt him. He doesn't want me to get attached to Bails because we know her time is limited and he doesn't want me to feel the heartbreak of saying goodbye to her. However, I want to get to know her, no matter how short the time is.

My BF's daughter Em, will be eventually living with him full time and eventually with me full time. She is a total daddy's girl as she does not get the love she needs or wants from her mommy, as Bails is very much favoured. My main concern with this whole situation is this... how do I handle Em? I know I can't immediately get her to like/love me but I want to know how the best way to go about things to show her and get her to trust me that I'm going to love her like a daughter and that I will care for her like a daughter as well. (Note that the BF wants my role to be, ideally, the 3 of us living in complete bliss as a family, but realistically wants it to be what Em and I decide, as close to mother daughter as possible or whatever we decide) How do I handle Bails knowing that our time is limited?

I know how to parent, as I have two nieces that I spend significant amounts of time with, so I'm trying to figure out how to approach this whole thing.

Thank you!!

Leigha

[MNDad]

Hey there!

Luckily, Em is young enough that eventually she probably won't really remember a time when you weren't around. That will help. For now, I would say ease into everything. Don't try to go over the top with things. Just be there and help parent as much as your BF is comfortable with.

It will also take you some time to get comfortable with some of the parenting aspects, whether you realize it or not. When my wife and I got engaged, it took me a good year to feel comfortable making decisions as a parental figure. I mean, I could handle the basics, but I was afraid to overstep my bounds in other areas, some of which surprised me. In fact, for a long time, I felt like I was stuck in the house with him as more of a babysitter. Eventually, I realized I could get out and go do things with him.

And as I said before, from what it sounds like, Em will eventually consider you to be more her mom than her step-mom, so that may make this easier for you. Just don't be too surprised or offended (I know it's hard) when she inevitably gets mad at you someday and says, "You're not my real mom!" It will happen. It has happened to me even though my step-son calls me dad and everything.

I think you're doing great just by showing concern for how to approach things

[new_stepmommy]

Thank you for the positive reply.
Thankfully things have been going really well. Em has been referring to be as her "bff" and has referred to me as "my mom Leigha?" when asking my BF who he was on the phone with. Unfortunately we did have our first snag yesterday when we were at our local lake and she got too close to the water... I asked her if she could please step back as she was too close, and her response was "I'm not your child." My BF was over next to Bails at the time so its not like I overstepped my boundaries in that sense, but it still hurt SOOO bad.

He kept telling me not to worry, that she says all the time that I'm not there that she misses me, etc. etc. I adore his daughter like crazy but sometimes have difficulties with his step-daughter, Bails... is this wrong? That because she's no part of him and all of his ex-wife that I struggle to love her like I do Em? I feel absolutely horrified that I feel this way and make sure that I don't show it to her at all. I didn't expect some of these feelings...

[Baysonpreen]

Wow you have really been doing fine. All i can say is that just hang on and be real with them. Don't over do anything and you will just be fine. Keep doing what you have to do, buy them little things regularly, yea regularly i mean. You will forget about the negative feelings when they look at you with that passionate smile with thank you. They are just kids, you know. One again you have been doing just fine

[Firerose76]

As far as the "I'm not your child"....my reply was "no, you're my stepchild and I love you like you're mine." Stops them cold and leaves them blinking.

[bssage]

I agree. And really even if it were a random kid you cautioned I think it would be OK. I wouldn't stand somewhere and let anyone's kid get in harms way in front of me. Kids will throw around the "I hate you's" "your not my mom's" its not uncommon and could have have absolutely nothing to do with the current event, or even you. More just a lack of an appropriate expression.

As far as the attachments. I will defer to our resident Attachment guy.

My gut is that as long as you are being upfront about the potential moves and such I would just be yourself. I dont think there is a limit to the number of attachments a person can have. And laying the foundation being a trusted friend, confidant or adviser is not necessarily a function of your/her physical location. It will be less problematic if the time is taken upfront. That just an opinion though.

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by bssage

As far as the attachments. I will defer to our resident Attachment guy.

And that would be me

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

He doesn't want me to get attached to Bails because we know her time is limited and he doesn't want me to feel the heartbreak of saying goodbye to her. However, I want to get to know her, no matter how short the time is.
How do I handle Bails knowing that our time is limited?

Here is the attachment perspective on this - from the perspective of doing what's best for the child of course.

Please don't act any differently because she may no longer see you at some point. This can be very detrimental for a child. Attachment occurs naturally when a child is being cared for in a warm and loving way. If you attempt to prevent this natural bond, the child will feel it, but she won't be able to understand why. Unconsciously, she will think "I am not lovable" and "My step father's girlfriend doesn't care about me, so why should I care about her?".
It will cause her to detach also from you (which will make your parenting job harder and harder) and it will hurt her self-esteem and her self-image. It will also introduce a "falseness" in your relationship that she will perceive, a feeling of "weird" and "not natural" and this can only grow into defiance and opposition. What if something happen and your BF actually does end up being with her more often than expected?
For both her sakes and your future parenting ease, please do not do this.

A bit of reassurance here: losing a connection with someone you are attached to is, of course, always painful. But attachment disorders and serious problems happens when the child loses her primary attachment. I.e., losing the attachment from her mom or her dad, that will be very difficult for her. All her secondary attachments can only be positive for her when she has them, and it will always be worth it for a child to have more attachments, even if some eventually must stop.
The serious cases of attachment disorder, for instance in foster children, is different because they lose over and over their only attachments with each new family. So each time, they end up being abandoned. It causes them to harden their heart and refuse to connect anymore with anyone, as a protection mechanism.

So don't let Bails alone. Just listen to your motherly instincts and love her as much as you can, just like you would do of any child you happen to care for.

WHEN and IF that attachment ever ends up having to stop, then and only THEN is it important to take the time to contact her one last time and tell her it's not your choosing and that it makes you sad and that she can always write or call you. That way, she will know it's not because she is not lovable.

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

My main concern with this whole situation is this... how do I handle Em? I know I can't immediately get her to like/love me but I want to know how the best way to go about things to show her and get her to trust me that I'm going to love her like a daughter and that I will care for her like a daughter as well.

Attachment is a strange and beautiful thing.
You don't need to do anything special, what you need is to genuinely care for her and listen to her.
DON'T tell her that you will be like a mom to her or that you want her to trust you. It's all going to sound as if you want to replace her mom, and no matter how she behaves with her, that's never a good idea. And you can't build trust by saying "trust me!". So don't!

Instead, here is the guide to the fastest and strongest attachment with her. (and this is ALSO how you should act with Bails, don't act any differently with the two daughters):

• Consider her a full member of the family, like any adult. That means: if you are at a restaurant with her and your BF, don't only talk to her when she is misbehaving and with your BF otherwise. Talk to her like you would talk to a friend invited at your table. Talk to her no more, and no less you would to any other invited guest. Ask her how was her day. Make conversation about what matters to her.
• If she doesn't answer a personal question when you make conversation with her, don't over-do it. Don't ask again. Don't look at her funny. Don't insist on an answer. Just turn toward your BF and naturally ask him something related. i.e., don't stall the conversation: just go on naturally with the flow of conversation. The idea is: you are a member of the family here. But there is no pressure to answer either. She will when she feels like it (and it will happen quickly if you follow these guidelines)
• Don't punish. Don't threat. Learn positive discipline (I have posted many posts about this on this forum all over the place). A biological parent can punish and still get away with it, even if it DOES erode the natural attachment, because that attachment is very strong from the start. You on the other hand are building your attachment. So you DO need to do your parenting job (which means setting limits, etc) but you have to learn to do it positively. Read this.
• Use "I" messages when her behavior is impacting on your own needs. Don't use "You..." and blame.
• Treat her like an adult. Not like a child. You will be surprised at how strong she will positively react to this. Children to live up to our expectations. If you expect them to be childish, they will.
• Smile a lot, each time you see her. If she is okay with that, touch her shoulders, give hugs or hold her (only when she is okay with it, do not ever force this). Touch and smiles are wired in our brain as positive and create the attachment.
• If you are mad at her, take a step back. Breathe. Relax. Find your empathy in your heart. Then go back to her from a helping or sad perspective. Not from anger. Anger is a secondary emotion; it hides the real emotion: fear, sadness, etc. Express your real emotion genuinely and ask for help with it, rather than express blame and anger.
• If you need to tell her something important (or even when it's just to listen to her), try not to talk down from your full height. Step down, or sit on the floor, make sure to talk at her eye level.

You try all these and see how fast that attachment is created!
Of course the CORE piece here is the positive discipline. It's not about letting her do anything she wants (not only is it detrimental as a parenting practice but it does not promote attachment to let a child do anything they want). It's how the limits are set that makes a difference.

If you have more questions, don't hesitate! I'll be happy to help

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

Em has been referring to be as her "bff" and has referred to me as "my mom Leigha?" when asking my BF who he was on the phone with. Unfortunately we did have our first snag yesterday when we were at our local lake and she got too close to the water... I asked her if she could please step back as she was too close, and her response was "I'm not your child."

Like Firerose76 said, you can reply by acknowledging that indeed, you are not her mom, but that you love her just the same. Also, validate her feelings, and then make an "I" message:

"It's true that I am not your mom. Mom can be annoying sometimes, I know... that's not why I ask you to step back... it's because I love you and when I see you that close to the fountain, I feel scared that you might be in danger, I feel knots in my stomach and I become afraid that someone I care for gets hurt."

A good "I" message describes the behavior ("when I see you that close to the fountain..."), how you feel ("scared") and the concrete effects it has on you ("knots in my stomach").
It's no longer a blaming message; it's a call for help and it empowers the child to help you... and it also tells them they are loved. Try it. It's surprisingly effective. And keep smiling (even a sad smile, when you are hurt).

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

It still hurt SOOO bad.

Once she is safely away from the fountain, I would genuinely address this. (possibly, you could address this later tonight, after a bed story before she goes to bed, for instance):

"Earlier when we were next to the fountain, you said you are not my child and I am not your mom. It's true. It makes me sad. I love you very much, you know?"
And let the conversation open-up and flow on that topic.

Your feelings were already plain and clear in your non-verbal anyway, for a child. It's better to name the emotion and open up. Even if she says nothing, it shows your vulnerability but also it reinforce the attachment and the care. Don't worry about manipulation. "I" messages are very good at putting children in front of their responsibilities. Just be transparent (but don't be manipulative yourself!).

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

He kept telling me not to worry, that she says all the time that I'm not there that she misses me, etc. etc.

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

I adore his daughter like crazy but sometimes have difficulties with his step-daughter, Bails... is this wrong? That because she's no part of him and all of his ex-wife that I struggle to love her like I do Em?

First, STOP blaming yourself!
You feel how you feel. Period. It's OKAY. Feelings are ALWAYS okay.
Now the idea is how you can work on yourself and change the way you see her.

My guess here is that you may have a hard time connecting with Bails - not because the child is not lovable - but because of the whole situation she is related to.

So I'd like you to meditate a little about this. Try to see what's going on from Bails' perspective.
She is caught in these broken family ties, with a confused dad, a step dad, a step-step mom, and a lot of very confusing and fluctuating unstable family relationships. It's HARD to be a nice easy-to-love little girl in that context. She needs your love even MORE SO.

Can you try to project your vision, to see her as a lonely child in need of love, rather than a troublesome person stuck in the relationships you are building in your own family?
See her AS PART of your family, not as an external element. Em and your BF have been changed and influenced to become who they are because, in part, of her. Embrace her as your own, OP. Give her whatever stability you can - if not in your physical presence, at least in your warming and loving care. It will change her and it will change you for the better.

Originally Posted by new_stepmommy

I feel absolutely horrified that I feel this way and make sure that I don't show it to her at all. I didn't expect some of these feelings...

Have you considered meeting a counselor for this? Just a few meetings, it could really help you, if you want.

[new_stepmommy]

Wow... thank you so much for everyone's responses. It's so nice to have validation that I am doing a good job at this!

It's been a little while since I was last on here and I am very thankful for the advice and the POV's, and I will be taking everyone's suggests and putting them in the back of my head the next time any of these situations happen again.

Things have gotten better I must say, both of the girls will now come and give me hugs and kisses before bed if I'm over when they are going to bed. This happened completely on their own and it is very heart warming to say the least!