Helping kids cope with moving

[christyn]

We are selling our home and buying my in-laws current home. It is just a few miles from where we are now, my kids will go to the same school. In fact, my son's best friend will be just 2 houses down the road and both of my kids love Grandma & Grandpa's property (pond, treehouse, room to ride ATV's, etc) For some reason, my son (who is 11 years old) is adament that he does not want to move. He even starts crying whenever we talk about it. He has lived in our current home since he was 2, and I understand that it is the only home he has known, but I can't figure out why he gets so upset at the thought of moving. Especially since he will be closer to his best friend and he thoroughly enjoys his grandparents property. I have tried to talk with him about his feelings but he just cries and says he can't explain why he feels this way. I am at a loss. We are moving, no matter what, and I want to find a way to help him cope with it. My daughter, 8 years old, doesn't really care one way or the other, but she tends to follow her brother's lead and cry when he cries. Any suggestions???

[jack123]

Moving can be difficult of kids are adjusted to their surroundings and have friends etc. When you move to a new place, make an effort to find out about activities for kids. Keep them busy. Make them joining art, karate, music or languages so they are busy and make new friends also. You need to see what your child enjoys and keep your child busy in that.

[mom2many]

If I had to move my son would have a HARD time with it. He plans to live here even as an adult (with or without mom and dad). I think for your boy it is a part of him and not just a house. Once he get's into the new home he should be okay. Just be understanding that his feeling are real, and reassure him that things will be fine.

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by christyn

For some reason, my son (who is 11 years old) is adament that he does not want to move. He even starts crying whenever we talk about it. He has lived in our current home since he was 2, and I understand that it is the only home he has known, but I can't figure out why he gets so upset at the thought of moving.

Christyn, you won't be able to help you son until you take the time to actually listen to him. Stop telling him why he shouldn't feel bad. That's not what he needs to hear right now. What he needs to feel, right now, is the validation that you are open to listening why it's so hard for him.

When you tell him "but your best friend will be right next to you!" or "but you won't change school!" you are essentially blocking him from telling you how he feels.

Just sit down on the floor next to him. Tell him "You really don't want us to move... it's really hard for you."
Then stop right there. Maintain eye contact, keep the connection alive, and wait with patience. If he starts to cry, stay with him. Let him cry. Nod gently and wait. He will tell you when he feels you are truly open to listen, without any "but..." attached.
When he starts talking, don't interrupt. Just say "ah" and "hum" to show you listen. If you can identify an emotion (fear? sadness? etc) name it: "It's scary to move" or "It won't be the same." This validates how he feels and shows him you understand, without "but..." or without judgments.

You will need to go all the way at the bottom of how he feels before he will be able to move on and be ready for what's coming next.

[christyn]

I do appreciate your input, and I guess I didn't think I needed to be so detailed in my original post. However, we have done all of this, with no results. That's why I thought to try a parenting forum. We aren't "telling him how to feel". When we discuss his feelings, he is not able to explain why he thinks he feels this way. Just lots of tears. He has only said that he really likes his room and that this is the only house he has lived in. We have expressed multiple times that we value his opinion and that his feelings do matter to us. And though we will still be moving, we have explained to him that we want to help him through the process. We have discussed how he wants to decorate his new room, even letting him choose which room will be his. We have allowed him to make the decisions as to what has already been packed away. We are not making either of the kids get rid of anything at this point. We have put things in storage (at their discretion) and they know that it will be in the new house when we finally move. Alot of our issue is the fact that he doesn't like to talk about his feelings and will usually clam up and say "Nothing is Wrong" or "I don't know why I am upset". Before anyone says that there must be a deeper issue here, there isn't. He is well-adjusted, creative and clever, straight A student, involved in student council, sports, 4-H, and has good friends. He just also has a very sweet heart, is always concerned about the other person's feelings, more than his own, and is always looking out for his younger sister.

I guess I am just wanting to be sure that I have "tried everything" and wondering if anyone out there has experienced something similar and had some words of wisdom for us. I truly feel that once we are moved and things have settled down, he will be fine. I just don't want him worrying and want to make it as easy of a transition for both kids as possible. Thanks!

[cybele]

Without experiencing the moving thing myself (the only time we moved with kids they were preschoolers and didnt care) I would hazard a guess that due to his age, it could be hormonal. Azriel was quite teary round that ge too, and he didnt know why, he would just sit there sobbing "I dont know why im upset, the tears are just coming" he grew out of it.

In that situation, personally, id just keep on as usual and if he opens up, he does, if he dosent, then he dosent. If he isnt being defiant or trying to prevent the move then I wouldnt assume anything is really going on.

[akmom]

Maybe it hasn't really sunken in that the new house will be YOUR home. Maybe it feels like Grandma's home. My kids love to visit their grandparents, but at the end of they day, they want to go home. Grandma's house is kind of a funfest; minimal rules, endless treats, and all the attention a little kid could want. We jokingly call it "Chuck-E-Cheese" because they went overboad with toys and let the kids run wild the moment we leave. But anyway, at the end of the day, they always want to come "home." They like the rules, routines, and order that they're used to when it's time to wind down.

That might be a pretty hard emotion for a kid to articulate.

[christyn]

cybele: I have been curious if hormones and his age are the root of it. I talked to his pediatrician who assured me that he is OK (which I knew but hey! I can worry!!) and she pretty much said the same thing you did. Thanks!!

akmom: I hadn't thought about that and I think you may be on to something there. Even I am having difficulty imagining their home as my own. And I have wondered how we will all feel the first time they come over to visit us!!

Thanks!!!!!