Issues With Wife, and Extended Family

[mr.mom]

I originally posted this in the Intro section, but re posted this in a more relevant forum. I also added a little.

I guess I will start with some background. I have been parenting my stepson "Billy" for over 4 years now. There have been ups and downs as with every parent/child relationship. He does have some behavior issues which I have been primarily dealing with. His mother works almost 60 hours a week which leaves me with the child duties. I enjoy being a full time parent, but sometimes things can get difficult between my wife and myself. We sometimes have different opinions on how to handle him, but it never really effects us long term. These last couple of days has been very difficult, because I feel like things have changed. Our son goes to my wife's fathers house on Saturdays, and he is a real pain in the butt. He completely idolizes Billy, and obsesses over him. Even if Billy hasn't been behaving, and my wife or myself tells her dad to restrict is vist (no tv, or take out dinners), he doesn't listen. There was an instance about a month ago where I picked Billy up from his grandpas, and asked him how the day was, and what they had for dinner. To make a long story short, he lied about the dinner, and said that the grandpa told him to do so. I talked to the grandpa about it, and said that Billy couldn't stay there all day. He pleaded with me and promised it wouldn't happen again. I am going to shorten this situation, and if details are needed as the topic progresses, I will add them. Fast forward to last weekend. It had come out by Billy that he had eaten fast food for lunch with the grandpa two weeks in a row when he shouldn't have. I was very upset by this and had said that he shouldn't go over there, because the gpa had no regard for my wife or myself, and was making Billy lie and feel guilty. My wife had agreed, and said that when her mom moves out here in July that Billy could resume his visits. I agreed, because I know her mom will keep the gpa in line. On Friday the gpa called me to say hi and get info on the weekend. I figured my wife had talked to him earlier in the week, and would have told him the situation. She did not, she left it to me. I told him what we had heard, and he immediately got defensive, and denied it. Then he had said that they did go to the fast food place, but he had only gotten a smoothie. That in itself wasn't allowed, but I told the gpa that I would talk to Billy again, and see if maybe he had been mistaken. When I asked Billy, he said that he got a smoothie, and a burger. I had him call his gpa, and the gpa just continued to deny, and get upset. So that was how I left it. The gpa then called my wife frantically at work. She talked to him later and then another time, and he guilted her into feeling bad for him, and making him to be the victim. He had said that I was mean to him, and hurt his feelings. He told her that "he couldn't eat or sleep" because he wasn't going to get to see Billy. She never asked Billy his side, nor did she ask for mine. She sided with her dad, and had no regard for anything else. We discussed it briefly yesterday, and she changed her position, and said he should be able to go over there. I wanted to disagree, and I guess the inevitability would have been to fight about it. Instead I caved and said "he's your son, and if that's what you want then fine". Since then I feel a loss of respect for my wife, and a strong disliking for her dad. Her mom will be here in a month to live, and she is already butting in, and taking positions. Since my wife works, I'm the one who is going to have to deal with them. They are going to be living together, and I can guarantee that they aren't going to get along. The worst part is that Billy is in the middle of all of this, and I really don't know how to make him feel ok about all of this.

[mr.mom]

bump?

[mom2many]

Hold on mr. mom, we're a small board and it sometimes takes time, especially with summer coming up on us. We also have quite a few dads on this board....I think they out number the woman even so it has nothing to do with your sex.


Okay so now on to your issue and I am afraid you may not like what I have to say. IMO grandparents are not parents. While I see that you are looking for consistency in consequences. That is not the time or the place. As for food, unless there is a allergy or something, a once a week eat out is not going to hurt anything (I don't understand your reasoning here).

Can grandpa even cook? I mean I don't know many men in their later years that can beyond a few basic things. If it is a huge problem send a home cooked meal where all they have to do is heat and eat. I hate to see parents and grandparents used as punishment. Mine can be grounded and still go out with grandma cause time is limited with them. They are getting old and one day won't be here, plus I plenty of other days to be a hard ass.

[mr.mom]

Sorry if I seemed angry I wasn't. There had been many views of this topic, but no responses.

We do go out with the gpa most Sundays which is one reason why we don't want him going out if he was bad.

It wasn't the meal in itself that was the problem. It was the fact that we told him not to, and he did it anyway after promising to me that he wouldn't do it anymore. Plus the fact that he had our son lie to us.

[Mom2all]

I agree that you have to be patient for responses. Many people view who are not members and don't post.


My feelings are along with mom2many. Grandparents are a different breed altogether. I wouldn't like him telling him to lie.. but I think back on my own Papa. He'd sneak us to the store to get M&Ms when we shouldn't have eat chocolate. My Dad once grounded me from going to my best friends next door and her from my house which devastated me. So my Papa built us a see-saw. One side of it in each yard so we didn't break Dad's rule, but still got to play together. He snook us candy in church, let me drive at 10 on dirt roads, and let us stay up way too late when we stayed the night. I'm not sure what my Dad thought about it then, but when I caught him sneaking my baby girl suckers when I told him no sugar anything, I thought back on Papa and smiled. One day a week won't damage your boy. Grandparents earn the right to be cool and kids love the memories. I know I did. I buried my Grandma today. All of my cousins sat there talking about the unbelievable amount of cookies we stole from the cookie jar. Unless its harmful, don't place restrictions and then they'll be no reason to lie about anything.

[akmom]

What happens at grandpa's, stays at grandpa's. Everyone knows that!

[Crazylife2231]

I completely understand your feelings on this, mr.mom....step-parenting is such a challenge and often thankless, and we want the best for all our kids. I do have to agree with the other replies here. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren, and perhaps the reason he lied about it (which he should not have!) was because he felt awkward about it, etc, etc.
We all want some "justice" when kids misbehave, but always remember, any consequence is supposed to serve only to correct behaviour. Once Billy misbehaves, assign a consequence, then it's done. I'm sure you practise this already, but even the best parents need reminding sometimes when behaviour is frustrating)
I wouldn't continue to make a big deal of this, especially with your wife. Deal with discipline issues at home, and never use a relationship as a consequence (ie: you're not going to spend time with grandpa today because you've been bad). In any step-parenting situation, children's behaviour is going to be atrocious at times and us step-parents get to deal with it with little reward at the time. That reward will come later if we keep on the right track!
Best of luck with this - I know it's so hard to back down on an issue, but it's the best way here. Not a battle worth waging!

[mr.mom]

I think what bothers me the most is how my wife agreed with me, but then left it for me to deal with. The gpa could have been an adult, and waited a month, but he acted like a child and had to get his way. Which then made my wife change her mind. The thing is is that Billy is very smart and he knows how to take advantage of gpa. Which then has an impact when he comes home and doesn't get his way. You see, there are many facets to this situation. My wife and I gave gpa this direction for a specific reason and he went against it on purpose.

[Mom2all]

Compromise is paramount in a relationship. Your wife should not have to choose between her husbands wishes and her fathers unless it absolutely necessary. I feel for her. I don't know how close the relationship is between her and her parents, or you and yours, but my love understands I stand behind him 100% but I also stand behind my Dad. I've never been asked to chose and for that I am grateful. Try to understand the hard position she's in.

I think most of us feel that Grandparents are given a little extra breathing room. Especially if your lucky enough that they are there and want to spend time with their Grand-babies. Punishing your child at home is enough to teach him a lesson. Letting him have special time with Grandpa once a week won't make him a monster, (even if they have a happy meal). I'd compromise... NO MORE lies, but stop the restrictions when he's with Pop.

[mr.mom]

So a grandparent shouldn't honor a parents request? Plus grandparents are supposed to spoil a child when they don't see them very often. Not every week. My wife and I have seen the fallout of that before. Am I supposed to let it happen when it comes to my daughter? What are the lines between step and birth? I don't look at him like a step.