Daddy blues

[Pokerjay24]

Hi there,
I’ve been dealing lately with mood swings that seem to come from my daily responsibilities of being a parent. My daughter is 2 and a half and we are expecting our second child in August. I guess that having a second child also adds another layer of stress and anxiety to my current state.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, I would do anything for her, and I am happy to have a second child (a boy this time!). However, being an anxious person by nature, I found that my general level on anxiety has increased since being a parent. It seems that I have to be on stand-by 24/7, I cannot turn my mind off of it. It seems illness is always just around the corner, ready to strike. Or it’s disciplining a toddler that takes the most part. Or it’s the daily logistics of preparing meals, doing laundry and other chores around the house, bedtime routine that seems to drag because my daughter tries to delay her bedtime as much as she can.
I’ve decided to start psychotherapy to help me with my anxious thoughts and general level of “not-so-happy-being-a-parent”. Hopefully this will help. I don’t want this state of daddy blues to deteriorate.
Any other dads (and moms) have been through such a phase? It’s not a hormone issue for me, it’s a cognitive issue. How did you get out of it?
I am starting to think that the baby and toddler phases aren’t for me. I’m not cut for it. Maybe I’ll feel more in my ‘zone’ when they are older. I don’t know!
Thanks for your help J

[csdax]

This sounds very familiar.

Dealing with that stuff is tough. I suffer from depression, and often just feel completely overwhelmed by being a parent. Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly manage looking after two children, when there are days when I can barely take care of myself.

I've found the following things helpful:
- For discipline and bedtime stuff, decide on rules with your partner, and stick to them. Back each other up. If all you're doing is applying pre-determined rules, it can take the pressure off you a little bit. You don't have to think about what to do in a stressful situation, because you've already agreed on how you will handle it.
- Simplify your life as much as possible. Cut down on the amount of 'stuff' you have. De-clutter, de-junk, get rid of anything you don't need. It reduces the overall level of anxiety, as well as making chores like cleaning much easier
- Get your daughter involved in some of the household stuff right away. Two year olds are perfectly capable of putting their dirty clothes in the laundry, and putting away their toys. She will need help, guidance, clear instructions, and practice, but believe me, it will pay off.
- Find some local parenting groups for support. Some places offer parenting classes that can give you ideas and strategies for handling all kinds of situations. Other places have parenting groups where they'll watch the kids while the adults talk about parenting issues. Where are you located?
- Find a good babysitter and make sure you and your partner get out together once in a while. Make a rule not to talk about the kids after the first half hour! I know that trusting a babysitter might be stressful, but remember that using the wrong toothpaste or wearing the wrong PJs would not be the end of the world. As long as it's someone who will keep your daughter safe, you don't need to spend the whole evening stressing about whether or not the babysitter knows where her favourite cup is.

Psychotherapy sounds like a good idea. I don't know what I would have done without my psychiatrist over the last few years!

Parenting is tough, but try not to just 'wait out' your children's toddler years. There are a lot of great things about these times too, so try to find them - even if it's only five minutes of sitting down to read a book together, or telling her a story about the time you lost your teddy bear at the park when you were three.

[bssage]

I have some tricks I use. My daughter Chloe is 9 but still at a toddler level. Yep that means if you count my boy we have basically had a toddler for about 12 yrs. I agree with what csdax said for the most part.

And would pay special attention to

Cut down on the amount of 'stuff' you have.

and IMHO expand on that. Try to keep a clean house. Cleaning is also a little of therapy for me it gives me time to think. But more than that less stuff = less stuff for mischief to happen with. things that can be spilled, stabbed, swallowed, or just laying about makes it hard to relax and just enjoy kids the way the were meant to be enjoyed.

I also have audiable alarms on doors or cabnents that have hazardous stuff in them. I place stuff that make noise if moved (Like a rolling chair, empty soda cans) in front of say the basement steps. Really that kind of stuff takes just a second and after you do it a few times its just second nature. Then you can sit and relax knowing when sht happens you are ready.

Also not everyone is open to two year old fun. Be open to it: its great. Be goofy: run, jump, roll around on the ground. This is all good stuff. It will make you feel better. Make puzzles to explore with them. But just get it out of your head that your doing it for them. Do it for you.

Believe me I know more than many the challenges of parenting, Whew!. But if you let the challenges be all there is : that is all there will be. It will just be a job.

You, You have to make it fun. It need to be neither complicated or work.

To answer your OP question. If we never felt overwhelmed. If we never got depressed. Or just needed to vent. This web site would not exist. Were here for you but we are also here for ourselves.

[singledad]

Yup, I've been there. When my wife passed away over 2 1/2 years ago, I felt so overwhelmed with having to be a si gle parent that I actually considered giving my DD to my brother to raise. ( Thank goodness I didn't do it!) So how did I get through it?

I developed a strict routine - that helped me get through my chores day to day. Note of caution here - a routine can add stress if you allow yourself to get anxious when you have to break it. Don't fall into that trap!

I put my pride in my pocket and asked for help. Joining this forum was one of my first acts of reaching out, but I also leart to aks for advice and favours from friend and neighbours.

Priorities - I used to be a complete neat-freak. Actually, it was propably just an extention of my need to be in control. I've leart to let go of both in favour of being there for my daughter.

I focussed on enjoying my daugher - playing with her, chatting to her, just hanging out. Seeing her grow up in front of me make every little frustration or anxiety worth while.

I also second what others said about simplifying your life.

Lastly - if you feel that your anxiety is more than you can handle, go ahead and get help. A little bit of therapy can go a long way towards helping you handle stress, and enough therapy can change your life.

Most of all, know that it will pass. Hang in there, take one day at a time, and before you know it your kids will be in school and you'll be wondering where the last few years went.

[akmom]

I think there is definitely a "breaking in" period for new parents. I was a college-educated professional when I quit my job to have a baby and stay at home with her, and I had virtually no experience with babies or children at all. After the first two weeks, I thought, "Oh. My. Gosh. I cannot even do this anymore." Parenting is totally foreign and overwhelming on so many levels. But you do change, and adapt to its demands, and enjoy it. I don't think I'll ever get over the stress of a crying baby, but I did get used to night feedings, discipline, constant supervision, and all the other things that are initially so darn overwhelming. I should also note that I've taken a few courses since becoming a parent, in an effort to renew my education and keep myself somewhat up-to-date in my field, in anticipation of my impending return, and I must say, my concentration is so much better than it was pre-parenthood. I have a lot better attention span, self-control, sense of responsibility and getting things done, and just generally feel like everything is more interesting than being a stay-at-home mom. (And don't take that wrong, I love my children more than anything and I treasure my time with them, but it is monotonous in a sense, so every opportunity to do something different is exciting.)

I have to agree with you, the first year is the least interesting. By their first birthday, they are way more fun and enjoyable!

[Pokerjay24]

Thank you for your kind replies

I agree that the "breaking in" period is tough, and in my case, it took (and I guess, still takes) longer than, maybe, most new parents.

I've been "auto-monitoring" my mood swings and my anxiety levels, and i'm starting to narrow down on the "areas" that generate these negative thoughts and emotions. A lot of it has to do with "me time". I seem to require a daily dose of "me time" and a good dose needs to be at least 3 hours straight. I usually get that when my daughter goes to bed. And I get the occasional bonus of afternoon naptimes. "Me time" also includes "couple time", where I get to relax with my wife in the living room, play a board game or being intimate. In a nutshell, I need to "zone out" of being a parent for a short while. When this "me time" gets disrupted, either because my daughter goes to bed late, or puts on a show not to go to bed, or when there's illness in the house, etc. ... I get pouty and negative, and ultimately depressed, thinking this shall not pass.

I guess I have to push aside my 'selfishness' and also tone down my need for freedom, and accept the fact that this is the life of a new parent.

On a another note, I've started running, to help get the pressure out and help my anxiety level. I'm enjoying it so far!

[singledad]

Ah, running... I'm a runner myself - nothing like the combination of solitude and serotonin, combined with the knowledge that you're doing something positive for yourself, to make life seem manageable again.

You're right, though - you need time to just be a human being, or you will lose yourself completely. And I'm a firm believer that if you drain yourself completely, you have nothing to give as a parent or a husband.

[IADad]

Good job doing something positive.

3 hours of me time? I call that, "a good night's sleep." Joking.

3 hours of me time is a lot to try to cram into busy lives. Consider that you may want to focus on the quality of the me time rather than the quantity.