Development and Independence

[MNDad]

Hi Everyone,

This is my first post, so bear with me! Also, please read my introduction to get an idea of who I am.

My 6 1/2 year-old stepson, Morgan (who considers me his dad - I don't think he remembers his biological father), has a couple things going on right now that I would like some advice on. Keep in mind that I basically became a parental figure to him when he was 4 1/2.

Here they are:

Allowing Independence

This is the issue where I need some opinions...my wife and in-laws think I'm out of my mind, and I think I'm handling this just fine. My wife came home yesterday to me folding some laundry upstairs (I have a few vacation days I'm using right now - otherwise we both work full-time). Morgan was outside playing with friends. My wife threw a fit. She made it clear that she apparently believes that if Morgan is going to be outside, I should be outside monitoring his every move from the front step.

I completely disagree, for several reasons. 1) We live in a rental townhome nestled in a cul-de-sac. In fact, the cul-de-sac itself is really only used for parking. 2) None of the kids ever go into the street itself. 3) I do take some precautions - I leave the front door open so I can hear them, I look outside on a regular basis, and I am always easily available if he (or any of the other kids) needs anything. I guess I remember at his age I was outside all day long without direct supervision. Because the times have changed, I do understand that some supervision is necessary, hence the precautions I listed. However, my wife is concerned that he'll get hurt or that some kid will be mean to him, while I say that a scraped knee and some of the mean behavior is normal and just part of being a kid.

What do you think? Should I be out there on the step watching him at all times, or am I doing OK? Or should I be somewhere in the middle?

Development and Behavior

I feel like Morgan is behind developmentally. My wife and in-laws strongly disagree. My mom doesn't have an opinion, or if she does, she doesn't share it. Now, I should note here that I come from a family of people who were just naturally inclined to be ahead of the game educationally. I was reading full sentences by the time I was 4. Now, I realize that is early, so I wasn't worried about that. But now, Morgan is 6 1/2, and he still has extreme difficulty sounding out very simple words and takes no interest in reading.

He just finished kindergarten two weeks ago, and the teacher claims it will just come with time. I am not so convinced. The trouble is that I am not a teacher. I can work with him to some extent, but I am just not very good at it and don't know where to start. I am so afraid that the progress he did make in kindergarten will all be lost by first grade. I am not trying to push him to be ahead of his grade level - I am absolutely OK with him being average. But I don't want him to be behind, and at this point, I feel like he is.

Part of the problem, as I'm sure you can all appreciate, is the MIL and FIL. Simply put, they baby him. Until we moved in together, my wife lived with her parents, and she found herself unable to set rules for them to follow. At age 4, he was falling asleep to a TV in his room with a sippy cup type thing of chocolate milk. He would come out of his room with it empty at like midnight, and grandma would happily refill it for him. Of course, that has long since stopped. But that's just an example.

Am I being overly concerned at this point, or is there something more I can be doing to encourage his development?

Thanks!

[IADad]

I don't know if there's such a think as being overly concerned. A concern is a concern, your reaction to things are what you need to consider.

I agree with you about the risk of the kid getting hurt or picked on. You can't treat him like a "hot house flower" and have him flourish in the world, so some distant observation is productive. My concern would be stranger danger, which you've obviously thought about. All of us struggle with how much protection is enough. I mean terrible things have happened when parents have been extrememly cautious. We can't protect them from everything every moment. So, you and your wife have to come to some agreement on level of supervision needed. How comfortable do you feel with your neighbors?

As for development, if it's just reading then anything you can do to help him not start 1st grade is good. You say he has a hard time sounding out words? Maybe that isn't his best skill. Is he a better memorizer? Consider doing some sight word flash cards with him. You can buy them for various grade levels, or you can get sight word lists on the internet and make your own. Does he have any "I can read" books. There are various series available, Random House publishes a nice one with fun stories (like we just bought the level 2 "Cars 3" book and my son loves it.) You can help him sound through words and gain some independence there. There are also "I read to you/You read to me" books, for a parent to read one page and the kid to read the facing page, those are good for holding interest and cutting down on the tediousness if they don't enjoy reading.

Even if he doesn't read to you, reading to him and following the words with your finger can be helpful. Keeps them in a reading habit, teach eye movement across the page etc. My elder son started resource reading halfway through 1st grade and just earned his way out half way through 4th grade. There was a big difference in desire to read, once he was better at it, so I'd encourage you not to let it slide before starting to help. 1st/second grade is a huge developmental time for reading.

good luck

[MNDad]

Thanks!

I should have mentioned the piece about the neighbors. Almost all of them with children do the same thing I do. In all, there are probably 5 or 6 neighbors within 100 feet of us, and we all kind of watch all the kids from a distance. The kids all know they can go to anyone's house if they're having a problem or need something. So I think it's a pretty safe environment. And we've talked about stranger danger. There was even a show about it on TV a few months ago that we watched together.

As for the reading, he does have some "I Can Read" books and you're right - he's better at memorizing. So, since that's what he's good at, is there no harm in allowing that to continue for now? I guess my fear is that by just memorizing sight words, he'll be slow to actually start reading words rather than just memorizing everything.

[IADad]

I had the same concern. My older son is a memorizer and I was concerned about him relying on that and not developing other skills. His teachers told me that all skills are good skills. So, yes encourage the memorization, if he has a mastery of sight words, then his fluency will develop ok, he'll probably pick up phonex as he goes, but don't create mofr frustration for him trying to teach one way.

They assured me that memorizing is reading, that we all do it when we master vocabulary, so it's more a matter of how we get to that mastery. Build on his strengths.