Any suggestions as to how to help my daughter behave better socially?

[Petsruleme]

My daughter is having a really hard time making and keeping friends. Starting from the begining...*
When she was little (kindergarten) she had really smelly feet. After trying a TON of things we finally solved it (in grade 2) by getting her to change her runners 3 times during the school day. By this time the damage was done. She was getting teased for being "the smelly kid". Up until grade 5 she had almost no friends. When she did get a friend then they would eventually find out (through other kids) about her past smell issue and stop being friends with her. In grade 5 we couldn't find anyway to deal with it so we switched her schools. The new school was in the same area but I hoped it would help. Finally she had A LOT of friends. My daughter was the happiest I had ever seen her. However this didnt last very long. One of her new friends found out about her past and decided to start spreading it around school. Some kids stopped being her friend but others didn't. She then found a new way to "keep" her friends. She started giving her friends stuff (buying them candy, giving them her toys or clothes or whatever, etc). I didn't even know she was doing this until recently. You see, my daughter had become VERY good at lying. She had been lying to us (her mom and dad) ever since she was little. She would lie and tell us stories about what she did that day with all her friends (which she didn't have), she would lie about what she did in school, she would even lie about what she did when visiting her grandparents. She learned to lie about EVERYTHING. I can't even tell when she is telling the truth. When I caught her in a lie she would say "I was just trying to make my life look more interesting" or "I just wanted people to like me". This last year was the worst. She was in grade six. There is only one middle school in our area so she had to go to it. It has both kids from her grade 5 school and kids from her previous school. She started out the year with lots of friends. She had people over every day. She was out at other peoples houses constantly. She went about 3 months without an issue. I figured things were great. Then again rumors started getting spread about my daughter. She had apparently been caught in some of her lies by a friend and this friend wanted revenge. This girl spread really horrible rumors (not little lies) saying things like my daughter killed her brother (she never had a brother), and that she steals (she has never done anything like that), plus lots more. I spoke to this girls parents and that made things worse. All the kids started calling her a "rat" and saying she needs her mom to fight her battles and stuff like that. Girls have threatened to beat her up and I don't trust her going even to the park by herself because I don't want anyone to "jump" her. We only live a block from the school so she usually walked home. After most of the drama died down my daughter had a 'friend' that came over everyday for a week. They seemed to be great friends. One day this girl wanted my daughter to walk her home (about 3 minutes away). Well after my daughter asked her I said it was alright to walk with her but I decided to walk with them as well. Luckily I did because this girl was setting up my daughter. There was a big group of kids (about 20) waiting at the end of the street to fight my daughter. This was the last straw. I pulled her out of school and quit my job to *homeschool her. This was about 6 months ago. Since then she has had a few friends but they always seem to get in arguments and the friendship only lasts a week or two. She tries to become friends again with her old "friends" but lies to them or tries to "buy" their friendship still. I still don't let her go anywhere for fear or her getting beat up. I can't trust my daughter or her friends. I am debating selling our house (that we built from scratch from the ground up) and moving to a completely different city just so she can have a fresh start but I am afraid she will lie and try to "buy" her friends again causing this whole thing to start again. I cannot afford to put her in physiological therapy and cannot figure out a way to solve this myself. If anyone has any suggestions PLEASE let me know.*
Oh, and of your wondering how I know all these things.... I did a thing most would frown upon and started reading my daughters diary a few years ago when I thought something was wrong.*

[Incogneato]

I think it's important to have a solid talk with her about what is to be expected in a friendship. I'm not sure which part you're looking to solve.. the part about the kids wanting to beat her up, or the part about her having trouble with making and keeping friends. In regards to the kids attacking your daughter though, I would most definitely contact the school and inform them of the situation so they can keep an eye on things if they aren't already aware. If issues of the group of kids gathering outside of school continues, if it were me, I'd go and have a talk with the parents of the kids who want to beat my daughter up. I'm a pretty no non-sense, gruff type of guy though...so I pretty much take things head on and with a vengeance.

I'm not sure what all has been said on your part, to your daughter.. but if it were me, and assuming I hadn't had a heart to heart with her yet, this is what I'd say:

I understand there have been some problems with friendships you've tried to make with the kids around school, but I want you to know that while it is nice and important to have friends, it is also equally important to make sure those friends are "good" friends, or true friends. If you need to bribe a person just for them to stay around, then they are not what I would call a good friend. A good friend means being there for someone because you enjoy their company, because you have similar interests, and you want to support the and accept them for who they are. Friends also do not lie to each other, and it's important you realize that while you want to be more interesting, those lies can create feelings inside of other people that they cannot trust you. It can be hurtful to have someone who you think is a friend, turn around and say bad things and spread rumors, but the best thing you can do is to not participate in the lies and to be honest and truthful with all of your friends. If they want to continue with lying and rumors then you're better off not being friends with them."

[Petsruleme]

Thank you for your suggestions. I have spoken to her many times about what friendship is. About how proper friends act towards each other and such. She is a smart child academically (she does grade 8 & 9 work although she is only is grade 6). I do think that she actually lies out of habit and doesnt even realize she is doing it until afterwards. I really need to find a way to stop the 'habit' of lying most of all.

As for the children trying to fight her. Since I started homeschooling her it really isn't as much of an issue. Since she is never alone outside of the house anymore (if she wants to go anywhere I go with her). I know this seems drastic and that she is a "bubble wrap kid" but I would rather fix the lying and "buying her friends" problems first and then deal with the problems she has from her past. I did contact the school and the parents of these other children that tried to 'jump' her. However my daughter didn't want the kids to get in trouble and hate her do when the counseler questioned her she denied everything and got angry at me for 'ratting'. Because my daughter wouldn't admit to it the kids only got Detention.

[IADad]

okay, I don't really get why they needed your daughters side of things to get better discipline, I mean YOU witness the lynch mob waiting for her.

But, you're probably not going to change the minds of the current "haters." and realize that she may have brought some of this on herself.

That being said, it seems like this is a time to try to build friends one at a time. Do you know why the arguments start with the recent friends? Does she do any other activities outside the home? (gymnastics/cheerleading, softball, karate, soccer) maybe a team would allow her to find a place she fits in.

[Petsruleme]

Yes I witnessed it (I had to chuckle hearing it referred to as a lynch mob though) that is why the kids were punished. I did contact a few of the parents but I did not even know most of the kids and my daughter refused to tell me their names (which she obviously got punished for).

We realize that she brought most of it on herself. She knows this as well. She admits that she lies a lot and she cannot give any reason for it other then to feel more important, to be the center of attention, to create a conversation, etc.

We have tried the one friend at a time approach and introduced my daughter to some of our friends Tweens but the same thing happens each time. A typical friendship with my daughter goes like this...

They introduce themselves.
They become friends
My daughter starts frivolous lying (it can be something as simple as "I had bacon and eggs for breakfast" when she actually had cereal)
The friend catches them lying
The friend doesn't want to be friends with someone who lies
My daughter say something like "if you come hang out we can go to the store and buy something" or "if you come hang out my parents will take us to a movie" or something alike
The friend starts realizing that she can get 'stuff' by being my daughters friend
Someone tells the friend not to be friends with my daughter
The friend listens and is no longer my daughters friend

My daughter is in a bunch of sports (softball, gymnastic, basketball, competitive swimming, and hockey). She Also volunteers at the humane society, the local zoo, the YMCA children's center, and a retirement facility.
She has become friends with most people on her teams at some point but has ruined every friendship with this lying issue.

[Xero]

You say you don't have money for her to see a psychologist (which in this case seems like its really probably necessary considering she can't even go to school anymore because things are so bad), and yet you have all of this money to hand out to your daughter for her to buy her friends this and that like crazy. To the point that it is causing a problem. Honestly if you know what she's doing with the money is wrong, then stop giving her money. What does she need it for? If she needs stuff then buy it for her. If she's going out give her just enough money for herself and ask her for receipts to explain what's gone when she gets home and get back the change. And most importantly, save all this money she's spending on her friends to get her some professional help. If it were something physically wrong with her, I have no doubt that you would find the money to have her treated no matter what. Psychological problems are just as important. Especially when it's so bad that she can't even go to school, she has people wanting to beat her up, can't control lying, and can't keep healthy friendships. And you would literally sell your house and move away before trying a psychiatrist? Please get her some help.

[Mom2all]

I would be more apt to get her back in school somewhere and work to pay for her to see someone and help fix her compulsive lying. High school will pass, her behavior may not. This may be a problem that follows her forever unless she gets help. I feel for you.

[Petsruleme]

As for the money. It's not like she was spending a bunch of money on her friends. It's little things she buys like something from the local dollar store or a chocolate bar or whatever. She gets $5 a week spending money (we buy everything she NEEDS) but she will take that and buy something for her friends instead of herself. Or she will ask me to get her something and without us knowing she will give it to her friend.

We actually had her in therapy twice a week for months. The therapist couldn't stop her lying. We have emptied our savings account paying for it and nothing good came out of it. The only thing that happened is my daughter started covering up her lies better with more lies.

As for putting her back into school. I do not feel comfortable with her going back to school because of everything that has happened. If I don't feel safe with her going to school then I don't know how she can feel safe.

We have played with the idea of putting her in private school and me going back to work to pay for it but we didn't feel this would solve the problem in the long run.

[bssage]

There are a couple of things we as parents struggle with. One is teaching financial responsibility. And the other is how to interact with others. Some of are naturally better than others. But even people exceptional skills can stand to learn a little.

My theory is what we learned most of us learned how to interact with others at the "school of hard knocks" or from parents and peers.

Absolutely one of the best classes and without a doubt the most valuable I have taken in my adult life was "Dale Carnegie's "How to win friends and influence People." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_...fluence_People

I was introduced to it as part of management training. While a few of the people in the class had poor "people skills" most were adult professionals looking to be more successful. It was kind of expensive at the time but has never stopped paying me dividends. The book and the class are both very easy. And have little practice portions after each chapter. This helps you understand the point and become proficient at using the methods. I really completely changed the way I look at other people and myself.

There is a teen version of the book. I bought it for my son then promptly lost it before he was at a age he could read and understand it. I asked the clerk at BN and she steered my toward a book that is an offshoot of the original that is specifically for teen girls.

For you daughter and maybe you can read it together. That would make the exercises more like fun.

Its rare I really get behind this type of thing. But in this case I am confident when I say it has the potential to be a "game changer" It has been in circulation since 1937. And is still a very popular class/book today. It is extremely powerful.

I will try to find a link for the teen version. I believe it was written by someone else for teens using the Dale Carnegie book and methods.

I hope this helps

Ps: I recommend this book for everyone. Need it or not. And not my book. Its about worn out. From Loaning it out and my own use. Get your own.

[Petsruleme]

There is definitely no harm that can be done by looking checking out the book. I will go down to chapters with my dd tomorrow and see what we can find. Even if it doesn't help it still will give us some time discussing things together.
Thank you very much for the suggestion