Teaching child to respect others

[lfedwards]

Seems like such a general request, but I NEED HELP. I have a smart, STRONG WILLED daughter that is about to turn 10 years old. She is in the gifted program at school, all A student but just does not like to listen to me when I try to teach her how important it is to respect others... friends, adults, etc. I need HELP

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by lfedwards

Seems like such a general request, but I NEED RESPECT. I have a smart, STRONG WILLED daughter that is about to turn 10 years old. She is in the gifted program at school, all A student but just does not like to listen to me when I try to teach her how important it is to respect others... friends, adults, etc. I need HELP

Respect is sort of a large theme, OP.
Could you perhaps define what "respect" means for you, and perhaps illustrate it with some concrete examples of recent situations in which your daughter has lacked respect, what she did, what was the context, and what you would have wanted her to do instead?
This would enable us to help you better.

[lfedwards]

Most of what she does, she doesn't even realize it. I will fuss at her for doing something, and she will say that she hasn't done it... and I just witnessed it! Examples are back talking me. We tried to get her to start saying Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir so that it would be habit for her so that she would say it in public to other adults and she just would not ever pick it up, no matter what we tried. She rolls her eyes at me, then says that she didn't. When an adult (that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all) speaks to her, she may not look them in the eye, or responds to them without saying Ma'am, or kind of looks at them in a snide way.. disrespectful. When I try to talk to her about it, she will respond like she hasn't done anything wrong .. and I can tell it just doesn't sink in.

[cybele]

Originally Posted by lfedwards

(that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all)

This is the one thing that stood out to me. That's not very fair. She gets to pick who she likes and who she doesn't, she doesn't have to like everyone. Do you like everyone you have ever encountered? You said she replies to them, she just does not seem to feel comfortable calling them 'sir' or 'ma'am' and if she honestly has a reason for disliking someone, as long as she is speaking to them and not blatantly ignoring them or snapping at them or being sarcastic, then thats fair enough.

[lfedwards]

You are right... she does have the right to choose who she likes, and who she does not. I just would like to teach her that, although she may not like someone, she still needs to show them respect. Is that teaching her "two-face" attitude? How should I teach her to reply to make both of us happy?

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by lfedwards

Examples are back talking me.

I am not sure I understand what "back talking" means?

Originally Posted by lfedwards

We tried to get her to start saying Yes Ma'am and Yes Sir so that it would be habit for her so that she would say it in public to other adults and she just would not ever pick it up, no matter what we tried.

There are many things here that come to mind, lfedwards.

First, do you say "Yes Sir" and "Yes Ma'am" to other adults when you meet them? If you ask your daughter to do something that you or her other parent won't do, you are sending this message: "Do as I say, not as I do". Yet children not only resent that, but they also learn mostly through modeling (doing what you do).

Second, would you say "Yes Ma'am" or "Yes Sir" to your partner / wife / spouse? Yet are you in a family relationship? Do you respect each other? I am guessing that saying "Yes sir" doesn't have much of anything to do with true respect. And I am guessing your daughter intuitively knows this. If she doesn't feel respected, you won't get her to respect you. The best you can get is a fake appearance of "respect". I am going to assume this is not what you truly want to teach her?

Originally Posted by lfedwards

She rolls her eyes at me...

Well, if you'd ask me to say "Yes Sir" when I speak to you, I'd roll my eyes at you too. Perfectly understandable reaction. Children may be little, but why would they feel differently than we do?

Originally Posted by lfedwards

...then says that she didn't.

If she had said "yes, i rolled my eyes at you", should would have gotten into more trouble, wouldn't she? She probably knows this. So she denies it. Again - it's perfectly understandable. One of the biggest intensive to lie for children is when they feel they cannot be understood by their parents.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

When an adult (that she may not care for - which I do NOT agree with at all) speaks to her, she may not look them in the eye, or responds to them without saying Ma'am, or kind of looks at them in a snide way..

Why is that?
Please, I am asking this in a very open and genuine way. I would like you to look inside yourself and tell me, very seriously, why children would not deserve as much respect from adults than adults expect from children?
They are not inferior. They are just growing, they are in development.
But they are full fledged people, with their desires, self-esteem, ego, and needs.

One more thing.
It's very dangerous to teach children to become deferential and obedient to any adult. They make easy prey for pedophile and child molesters. It is on the contrary critical to teach children to learn not to trust strangers, not to obey them, not to say "Yes Sir" and open the door when dad or mom isn't here just because that's an adult.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

disrespectful.

Why? How about simply teaching her to be herself, honest, open and authentic with adults?

Originally Posted by lfedwards

When I try to talk to her about it, she will respond like she hasn't done anything wrong .. and I can tell it just doesn't sink in.

So let me ask you again:
what is "respect" for you? For real - not just the appearance of respect?
Do you respect your daughter, too? How do you show it to her?
Do you respect other adults, too? How do you show it to them in front of her?

[lfedwards]

I have often questioned my (and my husband's) parenting. I used to be the very gentle one... he the disciplinarian. You have asked many questions.... to sum it up, I do show everyone respect, but i do question some things that my daughter does see, being an only child... maybe some conversations that she may hear between adults... or hear me on the phone... that is definitely something for me to think about!!! One reason that I got on here and asked for help is because I do realize that our relationship (mine and my daughter's) needs help... and it scares me because she is only 9 yrs old. I know that I am impatient and I hate that! We are close, and we do spend a lot of time together. Reading your posts and questions, I am starting to wonder if she thinks that I DON'T respect her. Now... I need advice as to how to talk to her. Where to start to let her know that I do respect her. How to work on this. How do I define respect... you know... my mother was always really big on APPEARANCE .. what others thought... I never wanted to be like that ... but looking at this, it looks like maybe I am sliding in that direction. When I try to define what I think RESPECT is... it scares me to think that I want others to think that she is respectful.. I don't want others that think that she is disrespectful.

[lfedwards]

In my original post, I meant to say "I NEED HELP", not "I NEED RESPECT" ... sorry... that kind of changes the kind of person that I am ... LOL...

[parentastic]

Originally Posted by lfedwards

I have often questioned my (and my husband's) parenting.

I think that this is very healthy; the very fact that you ask yourself these kind of questions is already proof you ARE a great parent, IMO.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

I used to be the very gentle one... he the disciplinarian.

It's quite typical to see this pattern in families. It can cause tensions between the two parents, too.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

You have asked many questions....

Yes, sorry
Sometimes, I feel it's more effective than advices. It triggers a process, it causes us to revise our underlying mental models - the assumptions we have about how the world works, and that we otherwise rarely challenge.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

to sum it up, I do show everyone respect, but i do question some things that my daughter does see, being an only child... maybe some conversations that she may hear between adults... or hear me on the phone... that is definitely something for me to think about!!!

You know, I think that the key point here is not so much about how she should not hear these things.. because how realistic is that? I believe that authenticity is one of the most powerful thing in a relationship and in family dynamics. But how can one be truly authentic when we hide things from each other? In the reality, we are humans. And humans make mistakes and sometimes, we are not as respectful with everyone as we would like to show children. So I think the key is to be conscious of it and, when it happens, you can catch yourself, take a deep breath, and say "I am sorry". And now you can model what to do instead in front of your child, and then your child understand how she can also say "I am sorry" and accept it when she makes a mistake.
After all, if mommy can make a mistake, then so can I.
And mommy can be disrespectful, but she says what she thinks for real. And so can I. Yet when mommy is disrespectful, even if she said what she thought, she can go back and say I am sorry. And so can I.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

One reason that I got on here and asked for help is because I do realize that our relationship (mine and my daughter's) needs help... and it scares me because she is only 9 yrs old. I know that I am impatient and I hate that!

Same as above. Being impatient is okay.
What matters is how you are able to go back after, take your daughter aside, and apologize (yes, you are allowed to say "I am sorry" to her too).
And when she is the one who is impatient, remember how it feels when you are, and this acceptance will help both of you be more authentic so you can respect each other's needs.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

We are close, and we do spend a lot of time together. Reading your posts and questions, I am starting to wonder if she thinks that I DON'T respect her.

I would venture to say she may think this sometimes.
Most likely, however, it's unconscious. It may be, at times, more how she feels.
lfedwards, please remember nothing is set in stone. Your relationship with your daughter is evolving every day, and will do so for all your and her life. It's okay to make mistakes. It's how you handle these mistakes that makes all the difference in the world. Each new mistake is really, in reality, a great opportunity to model the wanted behavior and to reconnect even deeper with your daughter. No need to feel bad about the past. Your relationship with her is ahead of you, not in the past.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

Now... I need advice as to how to talk to her. Where to start to let her know that I do respect her. How to work on this. How do I define respect...?

She does not need to hear it. She needs to LIVE it and FEEL it.
I would start by reading this credo for respectful relationship, as it was written by Dr. Thomas Gordon.:

You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. We are also two separate persons with our own individual values and needs. So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.

When you are experiencing a problem in your life, I will try to listen with genuine acceptance and understanding in order to help you find your own solutions rather than imposing mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.

At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, whenever some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other’s losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine–neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.

I believe this is a very powerful credo to live by in a family.

Originally Posted by lfedwards

you know... my mother was always really big on APPEARANCE .. what others thought... I never wanted to be like that ... but looking at this, it looks like maybe I am sliding in that direction. When I try to define what I think RESPECT is... it scares me to think that I want others to think that she is respectful.. I don't want others that think that she is disrespectful.

I think you are touching on some deep and important aspects here.
Are your choices for your daughter driven by your own relationship with your mother? (this is very common.. and it takes a conscious effort to dissociate from it and take decisions for yourself, not because of what underlying assumptions and mental model were ingrained in you from your own childhood). The fact that you are already making that link.. it's all the kudos to you. It's a powerful first step. Let me know how I can help further, I'll be happy to assist.

[lfedwards]

Thank you so much. I will look over all of this, and work on it. It looks like a lot of great information. Next, it will be welding together the two different parenting styles (mine and my husband's). I was the loving, comforting one. He was always the "stop crying, be more independent" one. Now that she is 9, and being the only child, she has grown up fast and is more independent. She doesn't really do things independently (like going out to feed animals - chickens, dogs) because she is only child. All of our friends have more than one child. They do things together.. I just don't have anything to compare to. He thinks she should go out and pick the garden alone. Help with this?