Summer's half over? Hard to believe its been a year already.

[AmynKayla]

I hope you all are having a great summer so far. Lots has went on here with I and Kayla. Some good and well some days I think I'm about to go crazy.

She is in a summer daycamp program and they've been wonderful. Every day I pick her up, she has a story to tell of what they did that day, who did what, what she did, etc. When she starts to act out, they are very quick to redirect and its rarely a problem. They're very diligent about taking her to the bathroom and she's only had one accident (last friday) the entire summer while in their care.

I wish I could say that our time together at home has been so productive. In a lot of ways she's really struggled but she seems to be more testy when she's at home. She really struggles to tell the truth and her new favorite phrase is "get out of my face" when I catch her in a lie and try to talk to her about why lying isn't okay. Even something so simple as "did you brush your teeth?". Or when I ask her to pick up her things, another big one is "do it yourself". I am hoping the sassy attitude is a phase.

I had her to the ped last week and she hasn't grown at all really in the last 6 months. She's in the 43rd percentile for height and the 40th for weight. She wears a size 5 and it has me concerned a bit. The ped isn't concerned but she's a very picky eater and seldom finishes her meals. She doesnt' eat junk... I dont really allow a lot of junk food in the house but she'll go to grandma's and get chocolate or something and then refuses to eat when I feed her dinner. I'd by lying if I said I wasn't a bit worried about that.

Something I find rather odd for a 7 yr old to do, but when she's done something she knows is unacceptable, before I even realize it sometimes, she will go sit on the stairs and when I ask her what she's doing, she will tell me "I have to have a time out". I'll ask her why and she'll tell me "I (insert broken rule)". She's usually upset about it, as though I had taken her there and disciplined her for whatever she did. She will often cry and say things like "I dont want a spanking". Its as though she's carrying out an entire conversation but if I interfere, she gets visibly agitated so I generally wait it out. My mom is convinced she's doing this as a way of acting out some of the things her mother did to her and putting herself in a time out is better than getting a beating and she figures if she punishes herself, then I wont or something like that.

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't frustred with her sometimes or the situation she's in. It scares me sometimes (especially when she does this self punishment thing). I wonder sometimes how it came that I bit this off and am really doing the best I can with her but sometimes it feels like its not enough. And yet, then she goes off to this daycamp and they tell me how good she was or if there was an issue, it was really minor. I see that good kid too, but sometimes she tries to hide her from me. I'm trying to relax but sometimes I just dont know what to do. But I also see how far she's come in the last year and know that I did the right thing.

Amy.

[parentastic]

Hey Amy
It's good to have news from you and Kayla. I am happy to see things have generally improved; I remember where you guys were 6 months ago and I can see it's been really improving.
Kayla needs a lot of love to compensate for what she has gone through; she has suffered a LOT of really solid abuse, so you have to give yourself major Kudos for how you are handling it. It's working, it's just a question of time.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

Something I find rather odd for a 7 yr old to do, but when she's done something she knows is unacceptable, before I even realize it sometimes, she will go sit on the stairs and when I ask her what she's doing, she will tell me "I have to have a time out". I'll ask her why and she'll tell me "I (insert broken rule)". She's usually upset about it, as though I had taken her there and disciplined her for whatever she did. She will often cry and say things like "I dont want a spanking". Its as though she's carrying out an entire conversation but if I interfere, she gets visibly agitated so I generally wait it out. My mom is convinced she's doing this as a way of acting out some of the things her mother did to her and putting herself in a time out is better than getting a beating and she figures if she punishes herself, then I wont or something like that.

Yes, I think your guess is good, at least in part. Abuse leaves very deep marks in a child, and it will take a lot of love and time with unconditional love to "cancel" the effect of so many years of maltreatment.
When she puts herself in timeout like this, she is telling you many things: that she is scared, that she is associating her behavior with who she is (kids have a hard time to learn they can be loved and lovable even if what they do is unacceptable; when the child has been abused, the self-esteem can be so low that each self-punishment is a way to tell herself she is not worth it). But as you say, it's also a defense mechanism as she can control how she is punished.

If she does this again, perhaps one thing that can help is to let her take her timeout, but take it with her (sort of a time-in, so to speak). Go sit with her on the stares, and just spend some time there. And if she is okay with it, you can also hug. This will maintain the connection until she comes down and relaxes and after that discussion about what happened can really happen and be more productive - but the message will be: okay, you can take a time out, but I am still here, I am not going anywhere, I love you no matter what you do.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't frustred with her sometimes or the situation she's in. It scares me sometimes (especially when she does this self punishment thing). I wonder sometimes how it came that I bit this off and am really doing the best I can with her but sometimes it feels like its not enough. And yet, then she goes off to this daycamp and they tell me how good she was or if there was an issue, it was really minor.

Yes. Children are usually "worst" around family and parents than around strangers when you do your parenting job well, because it's safe to let your guard down when you feel loved. Hence, it's actually a good news, even if it's hard.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

I see that good kid too, but sometimes she tries to hide her from me.

If you see the "good kid" side too much, maybe you will attach more, and then she will attach more, and then when you "get rid of her" and "abandon her" like she is used to, it's going to hurt more.
(that's not true of course, but that's the idea behind it).
It's an unconscious defense mechanism. It slows down the attachment because the more she opens up to you, the more she becomes vulnerable if you turn out to act like her abusers after all.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

I'm trying to relax but sometimes I just dont know what to do.

Just go on as you are doing. You are doing wonderfully well.
Don't lose faith. The only really big advice I could give you is how important it would be for her to regularly meet a child psychologist, specialized is childhood abuse / trauma. We have already had that discussion and I understand the financial constraints, so I am only outlining that this remains eventually a very significant step to do.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

But I also see how far she's come in the last year and know that I did the right thing.

Way to go!

[NancyM]

AnK it sounds like your doing a great job to me. There isn't much I can add to Parentastics post except don't worry to much about Kaylas diet, kids do eat oddly.

As long as her doctor isn't worried than she's ok. If the doctor thought she wans't healthy he/she would let you know.

As far as lying goes, IMO it depends what she's lying about and why. I know other kids including my son, use to tell 'white' lies, brushing teeth was a big one too, and the reason why is because at one point he had many loose teeth at one time. My son had too many teeth and a small mouth so they didn't fall out like they should have, and it hurt him. (the dentist told me this) another reason was because sometimes he just didn't feel like it. lol

The loose teeth thing was also the reason why he wouldn't eat everything. Once he had a few teeth removed, and they straightened out he told me he didn't know how easy it was to chew! So he didn't realize it himself that he had teeth problems, and just naturally avoided chewing things that were hard for him to chew. Meanwhile I was thinking he just was being stubborn.

It's normal to feel frustrated with her too. It's a big job and a huge responsibility raising another human being. Give your self a break, your doing fine.

[AmynKayla]

Thanks guys for the boast of confidence.

Re: the child psychologist - The lady she sees through the school year, she would see twice a week and is (thankfully!) subsidized, but she's taken the summer off and is in Europe until mid September. I do have an emergency contact number if needed to have her see somebody else that is covering but we're trying not to have to go that way unless absolutely needed as Kayla has developed a relationship with this lady and with so much else on the go through the summer, I'm hoping that we can "get by" for the next month without anything super major.

Re food - argh! That's all I can say. lol. No really, she'd much rather play than eat and its almost like a punishment to have her sit with food in front of her at the moment. I never thought about the loose teeth thing though as she is at that age and has lost a few of her teeth. Maybe I'll try her on some other things like applesauce or mashed potatoes.

Thanks again Amy