Child-free auntie has behavior questions

[Sue Barashi]

Hi. I don't have kids and am not around them often, so I'm sometimes confused about my niece's behavior. Is it OK if I post questions here and get some perspective from those of you with experience?

[cybele]

Of course it is

Post away!

[Sue Barashi]

OK, here goes:

Can you tell me at what age I can hope for my niece to:

• chew with her mouth closed?
• wipe her bum well enough that she's not stinky at the end of the day?
• comply with requests/instructions from her mom with a minimum of whining, foot-dragging, outright refusal, or physical walking/running away?

That last item is especially important to me. Niece cooperates well with other adults, but when her mother (my sister) enters the picture, it's a complete Jekyll/Hyde switch. Makes for tension at family gatherings.

Thanks!

[Incogneato]

How old is your niece.. that's rather important?

[Sue Barashi]

My niece is 7 years old—turns 8 and starts 2nd grade next month.

This is part of my confusion: I don't know when to expect her to grow out of that mega-defiance stage. But I hope it's soon.

[Incogneato]

Originally Posted by Sue Barashi

OK, here goes:

Can you tell me at what age I can hope for my niece to:

• chew with her mouth closed?
• wipe her bum well enough that she's not stinky at the end of the day?
• comply with requests/instructions from her mom with a minimum of whining, foot-dragging, outright refusal, or physical walking/running away?

That last item is especially important to me. Niece cooperates well with other adults, but when her mother (my sister) enters the picture, it's a complete Jekyll/Hyde switch. Makes for tension at family gatherings.

Thanks!

In my opinion, your 7 year old (almost 8), should already be able to chew with her mouth closed. This particular action requires more work on the mother's part to instill proper manners and expectations during meal time.

In regards to bathroom hygiene, she is obviously currently physically capable of doing this action herself, it seems it just requires a more thorough effort each time, which again is more on the mother to instruct/guide her to do this. Although kids are going to be stinky no matter what, it is important that she learn to clean as well as possible down there to avoid any infections rash or other health problems.

Your last bullet point seems to be kids being kids and acting up...again this seems to be more of an issue of parental teaching what is expected of their behavior and working towards that goal. I don't think anyone can tell you an exact time for when to expect the defiance to stop.

[Sue Barashi]

Hmm. On the behavior issue: The tension between my niece and her mother is constant—at least when I'm around them, which is just every few months. If they're not fighting, they will be in a moment.

I'm uncomfortable with the constant wrangling—it's like going to dinner with a couple that bickers constantly. Is there anything I can do to help improve the situation? Do I just lack the "parent" filter that allows me to ignore such things?

[MommyMe4]

Well it's different for everyone but one could definitely assume that by 7 to 8 years old she should be able to complete all of those behavioral tasks. She should definitely be able to chew with her mouth closed. Maybe having a conversation with her mother about these issues your niece has would be helpful. At least laying down some guidelines for when she comes to visit you, letting her know the behaviors that are expected when she is at your house.

[Mom2all]

I think Mom needs to be addressing these things with a little more enthusiasm. Maybe you could tell Mommy about this great site you found for parents!

[Sue Barashi]

OK, so here's another thing I, as a non-parent, am ignorant about.

I don't know how my sister and her husband handle disciplining my niece on regular days, but when they're visiting me or I'm visiting them, Niece experiences no consequences for bad behavior. Well, there's the verbal sparring matches with her mother, but the kid usually wins those because her mother gives up.

So my question is, is "no consequences" a currently preferred parenting style? Does this approach offer advantages for the child? for the parents?

Thanks some more! I appreciate your insights.