Self Harm in a 7 yr old?!?

[AmynKayla]

I'm not sure I can get into specifics on this forum, but Kayla came home from Daycamp today. The councillor I talked to said today was a pretty good day, but at one point Kayla had to be removed from the other kids and spoken to about using inappropriate language (a battle we've been having at home too). She was taken to appologize to the concillor she had used the language with, and other than that, things were fine. It was dealt with and she appologized and things continued on.

I interrogated her a bit on the ride home as this is something we've been addressing at home as well. I wanted to make it clear that it wasn't okay for her to use her mouth that way. She asked me if she was in trouble and I told her no, but that it wasn't to happen again. She appologized to me saying she was sorry and we changed the subject. Really, it wasn't made a huge deal of.

THEN we get home. I'm not sure what happened or if this particular event had anything to do with it but that's one of the things that entered into my mind. She headed for her bedroom but didn't appear to be in distress really at all. I simply thought she was taking her backpack and putting it away and doing the same thing she does nearly every day... playing with her lego. I left her for a few minutes (no more than 10) and thought it was odd that her door was shut so walked in. I didn't knock, just openned the door and walked in.

She was sitting on the floor playing with a pearing knife from my knife block. I didn't know when she latched onto it but I was sure it was in the block the night before. She tried to hide it when I walked in the door but didn't do a great job of it. She had cut herself with it but said it was an accident but when I asked her what she was doing with the knife, I didn't get an answer.

I do have an understanding of SH/SI but she's 7. I've not got experience with it in someone so small. It wasn't deep or a large gash. She knows knives are off limits for her (I often dont even give her butter knives). I've put in a call to the voicemail of emergency services. Lost at how to approach this one and scared at the same time. Amy

[singledad]

Oh Amy - I'm so sorry to hear this.

I have to admit - reading about her continued problems with staying dry, it has occurred to me that her peeing behaviour showed a dynamic that seemed eerily similar to SI. It has the same contradictions of shame and defiance, denial and threats, repeatedly causing discomfort to one-self, manipulation, attention seeking, etc, etc... and when I read your thread about how she has taken to punishing herself, it actually occurred to me that this was something that has to be addressed, or it could escalate into SI...

I didn't want say anything before, because she is so young, and because I am under the impression that she is in therapy. I was hoping that therapy would prevent things from going that far.

I don't really have much advice to give, other that to make sure that she stays in therapy, and to make her therapist aware of this new issue that has shown its face. This is a sign of very deep distress, and it breaks my heart to think of an innocent little girl dealing with so much pain. Please make sure that her therapist is helping her find better ways to cope.

Oh and lastly, and most importantly - don't EVER punish her for injuring herself... you will just fuel the flame.

[AmynKayla]

Well, I'm still waiting on emergency services to return my call. I hate to say but I dont trust her a whole lot right now so have been kinda hyper diligent. I dont really think of it like stealing, but I completely tore her room apart today while she was at daycamp, searching for anything that ought not to be in her room and I found a few things that I've taken back. I didn't quiz her about it, just for fear of losing control of my own emotions (I'm not sure whether I want to scold her or cry... neither of which is of any help and would just make things worse). I've told myself that I may have to turn her bedroom upside down on a regular basis to make sure she's not stashing things in there. If I dont get a call back tomorrow morning, I am going to call again (gotta love summer holidays). My head is spinning but I'm trying very hard not to lose it completely. I've got her with a sitter at the moment (been working nights which is nice because I put her to bed and then leave for work) but I cant be sure she's not getting up and taking things while the sitter's asleep (or while I'm asleep for that matter) and there has been several nights I've come home and she's asleep in my bed and been playing with my skype. Not a huge deal as I simply move her back to her bed and go to sleep, but I know she's been up when that's the case. For right now, I feel like I'm just trying to get through the moment. Amy

[singledad]

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

I didn't quiz her about it, just for fear of losing control of my own emotions

I wouldn't quiz her about it at all... or scold her, or let her see you cry. Just let it go. If you want to cry (and heaven knows, I understand that you want to. I would too, in your shoes) do it in private, where she can't see you. The last thing she needs right now is more guilt and shame.

In fact, I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I would restrict any interference to the point of keeping her safe. Don't judge. Don't even go to extremes to stop her. I know its scary as hell to think of that little girl playing with knives etc, as long as she doesn't give herself any serious, physical injuries, I would let her be. My guess is that even if you remove all sharp objects from her reach, she will resort to other ways to injure herself. The sad truth is that once a kid has gone there... they don't just stop by themselves.

And contact a professional. Let someone with the necessary skill and experience address the psychological cause. It is very, very important. Calling the emergency services was a good start, definitely call them again if they don't come back to you. Or talk to her therapist. Or go to your local hospital and ask for a referral to a psychologist who specializes in treating little kids who have been traumatized, and SI. This little girl needs professional help NOW, before her self-destructive behaviour escalates further...

Lastly - besides this forum, do you have any other kind of support system for yourself? Someone you can talk to, vent to, and who can provide emotional support? You really should try to handle all of this by yourself. It is a huge responsibility, and without support, you will only wear yourself down to the point where you have nothing left to give to Kayla. Please remember to also take care of yourself! She needs you to be strong and grounded...

[AmynKayla]

Originally Posted by singledad

I wouldn't quiz her about it at all... or scold her, or let her see you cry. Just let it go.

That's really been my plan of action. I mean, what do you say? There's nothing really that I can say... That in itself is slightly frustrating but is a fact of life right now, I guess.

Originally Posted by singledad

In fact, I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but I would restrict any interference to the point of keeping her safe. Don't judge. Don't even go to extremes to stop her. I know its scary as hell to think of that little girl playing with knives etc, as long as she doesn't give herself any serious, physical injuries, I would let her be. My guess is that even if you remove all sharp objects from her reach, she will resort to other ways to injure herself. The sad truth is that once a kid has gone there... they don't just stop by themselves.

That's really been my experience too... they dont stop on their own, regardless of how much they would like to. I dont think she's using this as a sole coping mechanism but my fear is that it can escalate to that. But in all honesty, allowing her to stash knives in her room isn't something I'm prepared to accept. I feel somewhat like I'm on a raft, out in the ocean, and am at the mercy of the currents to determine my direction.... completely powerless.

Originally Posted by singledad

And contact a professional. Let someone with the necessary skill and experience address the psychological cause. It is very, very important. Calling the emergency services was a good start, definitely call them again if they don't come back to you. Or talk to her therapist. Or go to your local hospital and ask for a referral to a psychologist who specializes in treating little kids who have been traumatized, and SI. This little girl needs professional help NOW, before her self-destructive behaviour escalates further...

Her regular psychologist is back next Tuesday so they've went ahead and booked her in and we'll go from there. I'd love for her to get in sooner, but the reality is they'd have her see somebody she doesn't know, has no relationship with, and has no trust in. I guess its better this way.

Originally Posted by singledad

Lastly - besides this forum, do you have any other kind of support system for yourself? Someone you can talk to, vent to, and who can provide emotional support? You really should try to handle all of this by yourself. It is a huge responsibility, and without support, you will only wear yourself down to the point where you have nothing left to give to Kayla. Please remember to also take care of yourself! She needs you to be strong and grounded...

Well, for some things, yes. I do have a support network, but for things like this, I'm not sure I'm comfortable bringing it up without judgement. The thing is, there are many people that will judge. They judge the behaviour and think they know the child with absolutely no understanding of the flip side of the coin. Its easy for people to look at her and decide they dont want their kids to play with her or that she's a mouthy sassy little brat. People like that, I would feel as though I'm giving them more ammunition. For regular, general, every day stuff, I do find a level of acceptance, but not for stuff that is a bit over the top. I have my mom, who has been a God send on occation, but at the same time, she views a lot of this stuff as a behaviour problem that good discipline would fix. By discipline, she means punishment. She is good with Kayla and all of that, but if I told her that Kayla's taken to playing with knives, I know the angle she's take. I do have people that will take her so I have time for myself or will watch her while I'm off to work and things. That tends to be my "me time" for the most part.

Thank you for understanding! Amy

[singledad]

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

Her regular psychologist is back next Tuesday so they've went ahead and booked her in and we'll go from there. I'd love for her to get in sooner, but the reality is they'd have her see somebody she doesn't know, has no relationship with, and has no trust in. I guess its better this way.

Yes. I wasn't aware that her regular Therapist was away. I though that maybe there is a reason why she couldn't help Kayla with this. But since that isn't the case, I agree that it would be best to wait a few more days, and not introduce Kayla to a new person. Rather let her talk to her regular therapist who has already gained her trust.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

I feel somewhat like I'm on a raft, out in the ocean, and am at the mercy of the currents to determine my direction.... completely powerless.

Originally Posted by AmynKayla

Well, for some things, yes. I do have a support network, but for things like this, I'm not sure I'm comfortable bringing it up without judgement. The thing is, there are many people that will judge. They judge the behaviour and think they know the child with absolutely no understanding of the flip side of the coin. Its easy for people to look at her and decide they dont want their kids to play with her or that she's a mouthy sassy little brat. People like that, I would feel as though I'm giving them more ammunition. For regular, general, every day stuff, I do find a level of acceptance, but not for stuff that is a bit over the top. I have my mom, who has been a God send on occation, but at the same time, she views a lot of this stuff as a behaviour problem that good discipline would fix. By discipline, she means punishment. She is good with Kayla and all of that, but if I told her that Kayla's taken to playing with knives, I know the angle she's take. I do have people that will take her so I have time for myself or will watch her while I'm off to work and things. That tends to be my "me time" for the most part.

Yes, people do judge so easily. Especially with things like this, that are so hard to understand. Its so sad and so frustrating.

Have you considered talking to a therapist yourself? I strikes me that talking to someone who truly understands and who can give you real advice would help you a lot. Give you a sail and a rudder, so to speak. The feeling of being at the mercy of circumstances is a terrible place to be.

I believe that I understand, at least in part, what you are dealing with, and you are definitely welcome to PM me at any time if you need someone to listen, but I am just a stranger on the other side of the world - I can't be there for you all the time, even if I want to. You really need someone closer to you who can support you.

[Mom2all]

Amy.. I juat wanted to say that although I've read your post and have so much sympathy for you now, I've not responded because it is simply out of my experience. I'd be scared to offer advice on something so serious. But.. I am thinking about you and Kayla. Bless

[Xero]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I agree with what Singledad has said, all very good advice. This whole situation just breaks my heart, and I am sure it is tearing you up inside. Have you considered inpatient care for her at all? I don't know if your local hospitals have mental/behavioral children units in them? They do here, and extreme cases like this a lot of the time will be admitted for some serious treatment/evaluation. I would just keep an eye on her, and if she does anything like this again, I would look into that option if it is available. In the mean time, I agree with taking her to her therapist and not blowing up on her or crying or anything. Check through her room regularly, and keep all of your sharp objects (kitchen knives, needles and safety pins, shavers, etc) locked up or at least very much hidden and out of reach. You can't be too safe. My heart goes out to you during this difficult time. I was that child once.

[NancyM]

Amy

I'm so sorry to hear about Kayla I agree with everything SingleDad has said, I wish I knew what to say but I really don't think I can say anything more since I don't have much experience with this type of thing.

I would like to say that your doing everything right, and I think your very brave and loving to take such good care of her.

I'm wishing both of you the best.

[Mom2all]

Originally Posted by NancyM

Amy

I would like to say that your doing everything right, and I think your very brave and loving to take such good care of her.

I'm wishing both of you the best.

Agreed