depressed 13 year old with eating disorder

[concernedfriend]

Hello, my name's Sarah and I'm 15 years old.

I'm very sorry that I'm intruding into your forum, as a person who is not a parent, but I just didn't know where else to share this problem. I couldn't exactly find a forum for teenagers who need to support friends.

I have a friend who is 13 years old, and I've known her since she was about 6 or 7 years old. 2 of those years we were out of contact...

She is:
- depressed
- she cuts
- she doesn't eat...well hardly anything

In the past year or so I've been trying to help her overcome depression. Recently her parents have split up, which is taking it's toll on her, but she's also had some other stuff in her life which has influenced her. When she was about 10 one of her friends tried to commit suicide so that when she came back into the room with drinks...her friends was slitting her wrists. she's had various friends in the past with eating disorders, it's almost as if she's grown up with the influence of it.

She cuts herself, she is constantly depressed. At school she puts on such a show though. She isn't socially withdrawn, she seems happy and excitable at school, she's very fashionable and fairly popular aswell. But when I talk to her out of school her mood suddenly plummets.

Her mother has tried to make her go to councilling but she refused to. My friend is letting all the stuff from her past weigh her down. She isn't moving forwards at all....she's just....wallowing in the same state of depression which has got increasingly worse over the year.

I'm a very empathetic person, and I mostly understand her....last year I made a big mistake. I got tired of it all and i threatened her saying that if she didnt start eating I would stop talking to her. It was so stupid. But later we made an agreement...I would stop geting on her back about her eating if she promised to eat breakfast and at least one other full meal a day.

I know this must all sound stupid. You're all parents and I guess you're probably thinking that I shouldn't be dealing with this by myself, and her parents should be helping her, and she should get help and medication.

Unfortunatly, I just can't do that, I'm one of the only people she trusts - and she doesn't even trust me that much. I can't break it now, and she would never agree to going to a psychologist. Everyone notices her eating habits at school, but noone knows what to do.

She cries out for attention...and I give it to her. But I don't know what to do, I'm not helping her. I give her wise words and she seems affected. But the next day it's just the same as before...

She's started smoking regularly. I'm not sure how much she drinks, and I've heard she's done weed but that's not for certain.

Gosh, I just don't really know what to do. I can handle this kind of emotional stress I'm just wondering what to do now.

THe problem is is that she refuses to talk to me on the phone or in person. It's only ever by email or msn.

Please help me? I'm sorry if I haven't explained it all too well. But I'd be grateful if you tried to help. I'm willing to answer any other questions about it...

<3 xx

[Kaytee]

well first off you should not be handling any of this at all. I am glad that you are worried about your friend as you should be, but the first thing you need to do is tell an adult. Her parents or your parents to tell hers. An adult needs to know what is going on.

[concernedfriend]

i understand your feelings. and if i was an adult I would completely agree with you. I'm not going to try and come out with that 'you adults don't understand us!' stuff, because it explains nothing.

but I've always felt a personal responsibility to look after her. Apparently two of her friends told one of the teachers that they were concerned about her eating habits. So soon, she has to start talking to a few of the teachers. So, now some adults are partly aware.

She doesn't trust either of her parents, because they have split up. I don't know how she views it, but I remember her being very upset and that generally she seems to not be very close to them. I think her mum's been trying to help her, but my friend refuses to open up to any adult...including her mum.

I know that I shouldn't be dealing with this, but it feels like there's noone else to. Well noone grown up.

[Kaytee]

it doesn't matter hun, sorry an adult needs to be told. Tell the school teacher that she is talking to that it is much more severe then anyone percieves. If this girl has gone of the edge as much as you make it sound wiht cutting and such, she can be 1 hour away from suicide.

[concernedfriend]

i know that adults usually end up being right. but...teenagers can deal with alot more than parents figure. and...teenagers sometimes help other teenagers more with their problems than adults can. because we're all in the same frame of mind. adults have...grown up, they don't really remember what it was like (well quite a lot of them are like that). thats why i worry that a grown up wont be able to help. even though i admit that i dont understand her. i just wonder...what you would do if you were 15.


i may just do what you said and tell an adult. i may try it, thankyou for your advice. i'm sorry if i've been a little ungracious. I will think about what you said alot.

[Kaytee]

well I can give you a personal story from when I was 15 or maybe 16 but I think 15.
My best friend at the time, kelly, we were friends since 7th grade-9th grade. Right around 9th grade, her dad was being abusive. He would throw her against walls and was quite vicous towards her. She was so depressed but also acted like your friend, was fine at school.
One day we were at the library just hangin out after school(small town lol), and her mom came in screaming at her, she was obviously scared and humiliated. The next day she did not show up at school. At this point me or our other friend had told anyone what was happening to Kelly. But we were scared for her. We went to my other friends mom, told her that we were scared and that she had been beat by her dad before, her mom took us to the police station. We were both so scared that we were doing the wrong thing, we were teenagers we could handle it right? WRONG!!! We couldn't handle it alone.
Kelly did not show up for school for over a week. That night after the library her dad had beat her so bad that he put her in the hospital. The police arrested him and that is all we know. If we would have told an adult sooner, she would have not been beaten so badly.
The bad part of the story is, is when Kelly came back to school, she told everyone we lied and made the whole thing up. We had a rough semester that year. Everyone thought we were liers and well it was hard. BUT by the end of sophomore year, everyone that was mad at us realized that we had told the truth and that she was the one lying about it.
I will never regrett telling the cops that day, I could have saved her life. What would have happened when she got out of the hospital, her dad could have killed her.

Your friend sounds like she is on the breaking point, what will happen, God forbid she tries to cut herself a little more and dyes. You do not want to go through life thinking that you should have done more

[jenilouise]

I know whast you are going through is hard but you need to talk to an adult. When I was 14 my friend said she was going to commit suicide. I called a suicide hotline and together we called her mom. I'll be honest- after that she didn't talk to me and she wasn't my friend but she was alive. Talk to an adult you trust and they will be on your side and help you.

[Lissa]

I can completley understand your concern for your friend, but there is very little that you can do for her besides just be her friend and encourage her to get help. Speaking from a person with a history of anorexia, it takes professional help. Perhaps maybe someone can talk to her parents? It may also help if you go to an eating disorder website and read up on how you can help. EDs are very difficult to understand. The more knowledge you have, the more you can help her. Good luck!

[FooserX]

I have a totally different point of view, but everyone's else's opinions seem pretty good to me. You can never be too precautious about serious matters like this.

To me, it sounds like she's only after attention, and you give her exactly what she wants. It's unhealthy - for you! She's bringing you down. The moment you spend any significant amount of time fretting over someone else's problems...that's the time to seriously consider dumping the friend. You can't help her...but you can help yourself.

Find healthy friends.

[Kaytee]

harsh Fooser but true, maybe not about the attention part (might be might now be) but right about not being able to help her