Extreme teen trouble

[Pink]

Hi,

I'm really hoping someone can offer some advice. My youngest child, a daughter has just turned 13. In the last 6 months or so she has turned into the child from hell. She is refusing to go to school, stealing money and cigs, drinking, taking pills (I think, as she took some of my medication that is a controlled drug), and possibly self harming. Today my eldest son came home and told me she is now bullying someone at school. I had hoped in the early days that this was a phase and she was copying others but I have since found out that she is a leader not a follower. She has been in hospital as she drank so much it almost killed her. The police have brought her home on more than one occassion. Then last week she turned up at school drunk, so I was informed not by the school but the education dept. I'm at a loss as to what to do, I ground her, she jumps out of the window. I take her phone, she steals it back when I'm asleep. I try to talk to her and she swears at me. The last couple of days have been hell, she asked to go out I said no as she had refused to go to school. She launched a cup at me then threw other things at my door, breaking all of them. I have no idea what to do. I have contacted our local cams dept (they are child phycologists) they have not got back to me dispite several calls. I have tried social services, they to have not got back to me. I feel there is nothing out there that can help and I'm terrified that she will really hurt herself or someone else. I feel as though I'm going insane and can't think what I've done to make her treat people like this. I have 2 other children, both boys and older, it is effecting all of us. Any advice is welcome.

[SageMother]

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like your daughter has emotional issues that may necessitate her being placed in some form of residential treatment.

I don't know what the logical consequences are with this sort of behavior where you live. In your shoes, I would not allow her to remain in the home with me and she would be living elsewhere on a permanent basis, even if it meant that was juvenile detention. My fear is not what she might do to harm herself, but what she might do that will harm you, since her boundaries are gone and she has no qualms about doing as she pleases while you are sleeping.

While you are waiting for different services you might start finding out what happens if she gets drunk or picked up by the police and she is not allowed to return home. If you find the alternatives preferrable to her being in the home with you, purely from a safety and mental health stand point for YOU, then you can be ready to refuse to let the police deliver her to your home.

I know it seems harsh, but there is no reason to allow her to continue this path of destruction in your presence. If she wishes to behave in this manner, then the logical consequences should be that she live in an environment that is a bit more punitive.

[dad_of_son]

First--- I really feel sad for you. I'm sure it is a very difficult time for you.

This might sound harsh and insensitive, but, next time she starts throwing things at you (which might seriously injur you), call the police. She might end up in juvenil hall - but that may be what it will take to straighten her out. I know if must be very sad to see your child go away.

Keep us posted what happens.

[Kaytee]

I agree with pp's. I hope things resolve soon for you. I would be scared of emotional problems as well and physical that have happened to her. Was she previously a good kid? Kids act out when something traumatic happens to them. Things such as rape, abuse from boyfriends, molestation. I hope and pray that none of them are the case, but I would seriously have her get some help, maybe even a private counselor if you have insurance.
Hang in there!

[Pink]

Thankyou for all your advice. Things have escalated since I last viewed. My daughter refused to get up for school this morning and after trying to get her up she hurled something at me. My eldest son went mad with her and I ended up seperating them. She then locked herself in the bathroom and smashed up things in there. I am now making arrangments for her to go and stay with her grandparents for a while. Hopefully she will agree to this as we could all use the break. In the UK you have to visit your doctor and be referred for counsilling, all this takes time and we have been waiting weeks. I feel as a parent I should solve the problem and not pass it on by putting her in the system, ie having her arrested. I have tried everything to find the cause of this behaviour and at the moment it looks as though drink and/or drugs could be responsible. It was an overnight change, very dramatic. She used to be such a loving caring girl, I can only hope the system doesn't take to long as each day that passes it will be harder to get her back. Thankyou again for all your support and advice.

[Kaytee]

(((HUGS)))) I will pray for your family and daughter that things will settle down and your lives a=will all go back to normal!

[newdad06]

Sheeshh... My prayers go out for you and your children. I hope some help comes soon. I do have a couple of questions.

1. Outside of turning 13 have there been any major changes in her life recently (divorce, marriage, death, moving, etc?)

2.Be brutally honest with yourself...Would you say that any of your actions or words shows a favoritism toward your sons? For example, do you find yourself saying anything along the lines of "So and so has always been my good one/smart one/responsible one."?

[helpforbusymums]

It does sound as though you need to be quietly persistant in trying to get some support for you and your daughter. As has been already said your daughter is acting out something in her life...and is very angry about it.

My youngest daughter who I often fondly refer to as my high management child west through a particularly difficult time when she was about 10. One of the things which apart from talking to the school, your doctor and any other professsional body is to try to get her to express how she feels.

We bought my daughter a nice journal and wrote in all the things we liked about her. I think we may have gently questioned some of her behaviours and certainly our worries for her. She was a little younger than your daughter but it really helped her. She would then write in how she was feeling - which we could respond to.

She used to look at all the positive comments often. Just a thought....something maybe to try while you track down some support for you and your daughter.

[Pink]

It has been a while since I posted an update mainly due to things becoming so bad my mind won't function properly. Last week she attacked me and smashed up the bathroom, this time I did call the police. They arrested her for criminal damage and assult. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it had to be done. She cannot get away with behaving like this anylonger and needs to know what happens when you are violent towards others. As it was her first offence they cautioned her, so it won't stay on her record once she is 18. It has done some good in the sense that we are now recieving the help that I have been screaming for. Hopefully the future will be brighter but I have a sense it won't be. She is still staying out and hanging with the wrong 'crew', as well as smoking and drinking. The difference is that she is hiding it from me, before she didn't bother, and she is nicer to me. I can tell its an act as she has great difficulty in in being nice...almost through gritted teeth. In answer to did I spoil one above another, maybe but it was her not the boys that got the praise as she was always so good and helpful. There has been no change or up heaval at home, I have been single for 5 years, prefering to concentrate on the children. So the answer would be no, there has been no major events or change at home. I feel it will be a very long road before there will be any noticable change, but at least help is on its way, as it were. The police were very good, they have been the ones that have set up the help we need. Its just a shame things have to get this bad before they think its urgent. Thankyou again for all your advice.

[Sillygurl2l8]

Lord bless you, Pink. My prayers are with you!!