Opinions Wanted

[coach3099]

Hi,

I'm having an issue with my ex involving our 16 year old daughter.
Just recently I found out that my ex used some of our daughter's personal money that she worked for to buy toilet paper, dish soap, laundry soap, and some other household supplies.
She told our daughter that this was a "contribution to the household" and has no plans on paying her the money back.

Also, my ex plans on having our daughter babysit her younger sibling (2 years old) during her summer break from school.
This will be Monday through Friday 8+ hours a day without pay.
My ex says it's a "contribution to the household".

I have my own opinions about this, but I figured it woud be a good idea to seek other opinions as well just in case i'm way off base with mine.

Please give me some of your thoughts about this.

Thank you very much for your thoughts and time,

Coach

[jtee]

Coach, How does your daughter feel about this?

[coach3099]

Thanks for the reply.

I just had her with me this weekend, and we talked about it.
She doesn't like the idea of spending her summer break away from school babysitting. She loves her baby sister very much but she doesn't thinks it's fair that she doesn't have a choice in the matter.
She says "even if I got paid" I don't think I would do it if I had a choice.

Also, she was pretty down about having to use some of the money she earned (through a temp job) to pay for supplies in the home.

She brought these concerns to my attention.

[evilbrent]

depends on the financial situation - but as a general rule you'd have to say that a kid's earnings are their own to spend or save how they like - they're certainly not available for 'requisition'.

I think it's reasonable to expect that a 16 yr old be able to look after a 2 yr old for limited periods of time ("Mind the baby while I nick up the shops for some milk would you love?") but, again, her time is her time.

I would suggest that if your ex-wife wants to enter into a 'husband-housewife' type relationship with your daughter - the ex-wife going out to work while the daughter stays home and looks after the family - then the daughter gets to have a say in how the household is run, what money is spent on what (does mum smoke???) and what time mum is going to be home from work.

you either get treated like an adult or you don't. 16 yr old's shouldn't have to be treated like an adult.

[musicmom]

New post on next page.

[Ari2]

What is your ex's financial situation? Perhaps she is in financial trouble and is scrambling to find ways to pay her bills. If this isn't the case she needs to treat your daughter more fairly - it is unreasonable to expect a 16 yo to babysit (with sole responsibility) all summer without pay unless there is no other option available. If she can't afford a babysitter, she needs to talk to your daughter and the younger child about the situation and find an alternative so the 16 yo doesn't feel dumped on and resentful toward her sibling.

[coach3099]

Thanks for the replies again.

Evilbrent, you have summed it up pretty well about how I personally feel about it.
It's good to give your kids responsibities around the home such as chores (which she has), but to have them contribute in a financial way and/or forcing them into adult (parent) responsibilities can't be healthy on a childs mental state?

My daughter lives with her mother & step father.
They aren't bad people, but they don't seem to understand that they may be doing more harm than good.
They currently pay for full time daycare which I fully understand is expensive, but I think they are going about it in the wrong way.

My daughter has already expressed to me many times that she doesn't like it there & can't wait to get out.

In my opinion, I think that is exactly what they are teaching her.

[coach3099]

Thanks for the reply Ari2.

They live in an upperscale neighborhood in a 200,000+ dollar home.
The mother and step dad both work full time jobs.
They are currently paying for full time daycare.
I don't know what their finances are like so I guess it's possible they may be struggling a bit.
Even if they are, I don't know that this is the right way to go about it. Seems logical, but I just can't seem to shake that it isn't right.

[EHB]

Coach, I definitely do not mean this as a mean response to your post, but may I suggest that you kick in additional child support for your daughter to cover this deficit. As children get older, they become more expensive to keep in food, clothing and the like.

I also do not agree with your assessment that your daughter contributing a very small portion of her earnings to the house is out of line. As a working youngster, back in the day, it was an expectation. I don't think I suffered mentally from it. In fact, it taught me early that I needed to budget and save and that all of my basic needs had a cost.

I'm suggesting that you rather be supportive of this, than angry at your ex about it. You could be contributing more, so that she doesn't have to or you could also be explaining to her that it is important to learn the value of money and that contrary to what we have managed to teach our children in this generation, the day will come, all too soon, when they will have to support themselves. It is not a lesson learned too early.

I am embarrassed to say that two of our oldest daughters have not learned this and are struggling to budget and be responsible with their earnings and I do take it as a personal failure that they did not learn it from us. They are now forced to learn it the hard way, by struggling to make it on their own. They have both told us that they believe we were too indulgent and we allowed them to have a false sense of us always being available as a safety net and them never having to spend their own money on their essentials.

As for the babysitting for no money. I cannot agree with that. There should be some compensation, even if it is not equal to the amount currently paid for the daycare. That said, I do and have told my older children that I do expect them to perform the odd baby sitting (when we go out to dinner occasionally, or I need to go shopping for an hour or two) as a way to contribute to the family. I don't have an issue with that. Full-time baby-sitting, however, should be paid for. My 22 yo watched my kids over a weekend when my husband and I had to unexpectedly head out of town to visit a dying relative. We paid her and made sure we left money for anything the minor kids might need in our absence.

The point is, I think there is a balance that can be found here. It is not a bad thing to expect a child to contribute either partially financially or in time, but it has to be in a reasonable and non-punitive amount. It should not be seen as a punishment, either, but as a valued contribution by a loved and valued member of the family and as an appreciation for all the other things that are being provided. It's a good lesson to learn, so long as it is lovingly applied.

I really do encourage you to consider increasing the child support a bit. I speak to you as a woman whose ex husband paid virtually nothing for the support of our child and who together with her husband decided that it was better for our children if we paid the full court-ordered child support to his ex-wives even though we were raising the children, because it was in the best interests of the children that they be raised in our home. The cost was immaterial when weighed against the needs and best interests of our children.

[evilbrent]

there's a difference between being expected to contribute - I mean, in some parts of the world there's 14 yr old kids working full time for their family - but in the west there's a difference between contributing and - yoink - having your money taken without reason or warning.