Aging Parents

[SageMother]

I am in my early 50's with parents in their late 70's and 80's, who have been divorced for many years. My faiher's health is failing but he remarried and with two grown sons. His last years will be taken care of by his new family. My mother has never remarried and has mental and emotional problems that are not getting any better. Her care will fall to myself and my sister.

I am starting to think about my mother's care during her final years and see that we will probably have to place her in assisted living of some sort. She is impossible to have around on a fulltime basis. I have no guilty feelings about this but am also concerned that our ability to place her in an appropriate setting, when the time comes, might be difficult.

I am wondering if anyone has met with this issue yet, and if so, how have you dealt with it?

[Sam]

Its really hard to deal with this and its something that you have to face, if you feel comfortable getting someone such as a home health aid, then you should do so, but its ot going to be easy, also you can look into adult homes.

[jmeyer3131]

I've been there to some degree. Though my folks remained married, my mother had a number of chronic illnesses for several years and my dad did not cope that well with it. December 2005 we started looking around for assisted living facilities. She gave us her blessing on this because she knew she needed more care.

I'm not sure how you plan to finance this. We went through the county and discovered a program where they would take care of it because my parents' income was fairly low. It was actually cheaper for the county to pay for assisted living than it was for Medicare to pay for a nursing home.

All I can suggest is to visit every home you can. A lot will depend on the type of treatment she needs; some are for people who are still pretty independent, others are more like a nursing home with private rooms. One of the ones we looked at had the philosophy that all possible medical treatment would also be given at the facility because after awhile residents considered it home. In other words, if someone needed medical care but didn't want to go to the hospital, they would do their best to provide care there. I liked that idea a lot.

I can't tell you that it worked out because unfortunately one of Mom's chronic illnesses became fatal two months later. We didn't have a clue she was that close to passing when we were looking for a place for her that December.

Ultimately I'm glad she got to stay in her home. Still, she had spent some time in nursing homes for rehabilitation after repeated pneumonias, and she hated them. She liked the thought of assisted living much better, realizing she wouldn't have to be in a regular nursing home again.

Good luck. This is a very difficult time.

[penguinmama]

My husband and I have talked about this. We intend to have a way to have ailing parents stay with us if it comes to that. He worked in nursing homes and is very against sending anyone to live in one unless it's absolutely necessary.

In your case, that is more difficult, since your mother has issues that make her impossible to live with. I think I would also like the idea of a good home with good care. I agree with the lady above who spoke of visiting several and I would try to talk to some of the patients and their families, as well, if possible. The staff will, of course, put the best possible light on anything they tell you, while the patients and their families are more likely to give you "the real story" of the place.

God bless.

[mamab]

I don't envy your situation. My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s. They live in a different state than I do, so I'm sure their care would fall to my brothers who live near them. I dread even thinking about it. We live close to my in-laws, so it's likely we'll have to care for them (They're in their mid/late 60s). I'm not looking forward to it. Both of them can be cantankerous now, I can't imagine what they'll be like when they have to have someone take care of them.