Where's the middle ground?

[happy2bg33k]

One thing I find myself grappling with lately is the disparity in my daughter who is almost 11. On the one hand she is very mature in some ways and looks and sounds a lot older than she is. But on the other hand she seems a lot more naive and immature than some of the girls her age. She's going into middle school next year and I worry about her ability to handle the...well, meanness of it. I don't want to force her to grow up too soon but I don't want her to be lost in the shuffle either. No easy answers, I am certain but anyone have any advice or even a "I've been there" for me?

[jmeyer3131]

Yes, been there, very much been there.

Middle school can be awful. My daughter is in the eighth grade and it's gotten a lot better, but sixth and seventh were pretty bad.

I'm not sure how you mean she is naive and immature, and I don't know anything about your school system. I can tell you that in the school my daughter goes to, the kids are typical in that they make fun of anybody who doesn't try to be like the popular kids.

In my daughter's school, dressing sexually is in. Pink is in. Doing what you need to do to fit in is in, which is typical in middle school. Kids at that age all talk about individuality, but they want to conform to fit in.

My daughter is definitely an individual. She's very focussed on her future. She's a singer and a strong Christian and proud of both. She plans to be a rock singer professionally and dresses quite a bit like some of her favorite female artists. The style suits her. I think she looks great, most teachers love her, and even my Mom (in her late seventies) thought she dressed well.

However, it's definitely different than the other kids dress. She's been called Satanic (despite wearing several crosses and clothing with a definite Christian message.) She's had people run up to her and touch her, then proclaim "I touched the goth!" Her first two years she had a lot of classes where she had no partners when teachers wanted them to pair up, even though she is one of the better students. The first two years kids would just come up and make mean comments.

She used to say that kids were afraid of her, but I couldn't believe that was true. I knew she felt it, but knowing what a compassionate, caring kid she is, I thought it was just her imagination. Then I talked to the principal and guess what? Kids were afraid of her.

Then there's the "guy" thing. She's attractive. One of the boys who clearly needs some guidance tried to force a kiss on her in sixth grade. This isn't just some recess-time playing around. This kid literally chased her and cornered her while she was pushing him away, telling him he's going too far, scared out of her mind. (He's a big kid.) She came out of school in tears that time, and you'd better believe I called the school immediately.

Then there's the boy who acted as though he was going to kick her in the face. (He was on a table.) He barely missed her. When I called the school they handled it well, but when I mentioned that this kid had been mean to her all year the teacher commented that he knew the kid and the kid had a crush on her.

In other words, some kids will just be mean, and others will be mean because they like your daughter.

It's important to let your daughter know she has to remain true to who she is. She also has to be able to let kids know she won't accept their bullying. With my daughter we did a lot of role playing. Some of it is in knowing what kind of comments to make when people say things. Some is in knowing when it's best to just show you don't care. Some of it is in knowing when it's bad enough to report it.

If your daughter tries to fit in with the rest, she probably won't get so much bullying, but I'm not sure that's what you want. I'm quite certain that my daughter won't ever conform to peer pressure when it comes to drinking, drugs, sex, or anything else. She knows herself and her values. She has shed a lot of tears over things that happened, but she feels strongly about her values and figures that people need to accept her for herself or not at all.

This year there has been a dramatic change. I don't know if it's that the kids have matured or if it's something else. She doesn't have a great deal more friends or anything, but people treat her much better. One guy who had been a friend in early sixth grade stopped hanging around because he wanted to be with the "popular" crowd. The kidsd in that crowd told him he couldn't be friends with both them and her, so he dropped her. Now he's back, and quite obviously has a huge crush on her.

She says that everybody talks to her now, even the "popular" kids, even though she isn't part of them. She says that she feels the kids this year actually respect her.

The last time partners were chosen for a class, two kids argued with each other over who got to be her partner.

I'm just shaking my head at the changes, but I think a lot of it is because she stood strong. The cool thing about this is that even when bullying was at its worst, the friends she did have tended to be really good kids.

Just help your daughter stay strong. Help her to always realize that bullying eventually ends. It is much more important for her to face meanness than it is to conform just to avoid it. Make sure she has a strong sense of what her values are and sticks to them. Let her know you're proud of her when she does.

Tears can actually make you stronger. My daughter really feels good about herself these days. We had some dark days for two years, but it's so much better now.

Does she have any special interests, like sports or music? It helps if she's involved in things she loves.

Good luck.