difficult private matter with our pre-teen

[jtee]

I am looking for some input on difficult matter that is very hard to talk about with friends and family.

A few weeks ago I came home from work about a half hour early and found our pre-teen daughter having sex with slightly older boy. The boy is the son of a couple that my wife and I consider our closest friends. The two kids practically have grown up as brother and sister for the past 10 years.

There was no mistake made in what the two kids were doing (having sexual intercourse), which was confirmed the following day by our daughter’s gynecologist with the presence of semen within her vagina. The gynecologist informed us that there was no vaginal injury as the result of having sex because she has been maturing for 1-2 years; in a strickly technical sense capable of intercourse. From what little our daughter has spoken about it to my wife, it was consensual sex that started in February; it was infrequent, but they have had sex numerous times. I honestly think she doesn’t understand what motivated her to start having sex because she asked my wife why sex was so tempting when she was with alone with the boy.

The situation has put a strain on everyone and a part of me wishes I had never decided to come home early that day. Prior to me finding the two kids in our daughter’s bedroom, I had a wonderful and close relationship with my daughter, now she has a hard time saying anything to me. I think that because I was the one who found them having sex, that makes our relationship more difficult. As I reflect, she had been having sex occasionally with the boy, and because nobody knew, we all were happy. Now that they were discovered, life is very stressful all the time for everyone involved. It is hard to clear my mind and to think about the other 100 things I use to think about on a daily basis.

Our close friends feel very guilty as well because it was their son who was involved. I don’t blame them for what happened, and I am not too upset with the boy either because it was a mutual sexual attraction and exploration that had gone too far. My wife use to talk to them on the phone nearly every day, now she never talks to them. Nobody is angry with anyone, it is just so awkward that it is just easier not to see or talk to each other. Our daughter clearly feels guilty that things are so different now and stressful among people who are great friends. For a preteen girl, I know that is a heavy burden. My wife has tried to talk to her about it, but our daughter just starts to cry and apologies over and over and over promising that she will never have sex again. We don’t want to make her think or feel sex is bad, we just want to help her understand sex and hopefully she will make good choices in the future.

My wife and I agree our daughter is still too young to be sexually active, but it is also too late to put the genie back in the bottle. It is one thing to be having a sexual dialog with a 14-15 year old (at least mother - daughter conversations), but I don't think we can have that same conversation with a 11-12 year old, at least not with our daughter. She not worldly by any means and still very much a girl in her behavior and interests.

There is all kinds of information on the internet on what to say to teenagers who are sexually active, but it assume you are talking to a teenager of 14+. I have yet to find any information on this very difficult problem of pre-teen sex unless it is related to sexual abuse by an adult. There is information on what to say to pre-teens about sex, but is directed primarily towards pre-teens who are just beginning to become curious about sex.

I am sure in time we will come to understand this better, but we don't want to make matters worse as we progress forward. Sorry to make this so long, it makes me feel slightly better to write my thoughts down in an anonymous way. I just can't speak to friends or family about it for my daughter's privacy and well being; people that know her would start treating her different after they found out, and that would only make the situation worse for her.

[SageMother]

Preteen is young, but is she menstruating yet? How old is the boy? What have you decided about birth control?

You are right. This is awkward but there are the practical matters to consider as I don't think you are going to try to put the genie back in the bottle. What decisions have you made regarding her life with you between now and 18?

This is one of those instances where a family or group counselor might be your best bet. That is where I would go with this complication. When I read your post it shook me, not because of the sex, but because of the effect it is having on the adults in the situation. Any parent would be stunned.

You should, however, feel very proud of yourself for recognizing that this was consensual. You are over half way toward dealing with the situation effectively. Her being too young for sex is more a social construct than a physical issue in that your doctor said her body is capable. Pat yourself on the back for being concerned and approaching this in as orderly a fashion as possible.

[Kaytee]

I have to agree with sagemom, you may wnat to look into getting her on some form of birth control. I have a very young daghter so this has not come up in my experience, but if it was me, I think I would make sure that the child knows you are not mad at her, but very concerned for her. She needs to be told right away about stds and things of that nature. She needs to be told by you and your wife. I believe it is very important to keep the dialogue open between you all. I would also make sure my preteen daughter did not have time or oppertunity to be alone with anyone. Weather that be some for of afterschool activity or something. I also think that you need to try to repair your relationship with the boys parents. I amsure they are uncomfortable as well. But this is no ones fault right now, but turning it into something bigger may be devastating to your daughter. She will blame herself, thats just what kids do.

[tater03]

I would have to say that since she obviously know about sex now that you almost have to talk to her like she is a little older. It doesn't have to be graphic or anything like that but I would definently be talking to her about birth control and what all can happen having sex so early. I think you are being a very good parent that you are dealing with this head on and looking for how to go about it instead of just ignoring it which would be easy to do.

[jtee]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I mostly needed say something to relieve some of the stress. This is just something guys don't go about discussing among each other. I don’t know any guys who might try to take advantage of her in the future, but I think it is best keep this a private matter. I do think finding a good family counselor is in order to help get our lives back to normal.

Our daughter turned 11 in January. The boy involve is Mike and he is 13. They are like a close brother and sister, our daughter Jill refers to Mike as her God brother and always enjoys spending time with him. One moment they might argue, and the next minute it is all forgotten. To see them together it is clear they have a close bond and truly enjoy each other’s company, it has always been that way since they been very young and has gotten stronger as they have grown older. I have never thought of it other than a brother - sister relationship and I don’t think anyone else did either. They act like brother and sister and it is easy even for us as two separate pair of parents to forget they aren't related.

According to my wife, Jill has not had her first period yet. The gynecologist estimated 1+ years. Jill is a petite girl, but she started wearing a bra when she was 10. My wife, who is also petite, has educated me that Jill is more physically mature than I, as her dad, realize. She says Jill’s small size compared to other girls her age gives the illusion that Jill is not as developed as they are, when in fact she is further along than girls who are naturally larger than her. The gynecologist told us Jill is as physically mature as an average girl 1-2 years older; a stage capable of intercourse without physical difficulty.

I am going to leave the sex talk between my wife and our daughter. I wouldn’t know where to begin, or what to say. Mother and daughter have had some discussions about sex prior to finding the kids together, but even my wife was caught by surprise by all of this. According to my wife, the discussions were on par with what a mother would discuss with typical 11 year old girl who is developing. The topic of using protection never came up because the subject of intercourse was only discussed in the abstract. In hindsight, my wife admits Jill was indirectly curious about sexual feelings, but it was never framed in a manner that directly connected it to something she was feeling herself, which apparently she probably was feeling.

I am personally torn about my wife discussing the issue of birth control with her because of her age. I know I’d be reluctant even if she was 14-15 years old and we were in the same situation. My wife is leaning towards having that discussion in the near feature because Jill has had sex several times since February, and did so by choice. My wife feels Jill needs to know that the boy’s semen was found in her vagina (Jill has not been told about this yet), and despite her young age, she needs to understand she should be taking precautions for that not to happen again. At a rationale and logical level I understand this point, but emotionally as her dad, this is hard to accept. Maybe women understand this better, and don’t have the same problem accepting the realities of this kind of situation because they were once girls. In a discussion last night my wife told me that I perceive Jill as physically still being a “girl�, when she is physically more of a “young woman� than I realize. It is just hard for me to perceive any 11-12 girl as being anything but a girl just because she developed enough to start wearing a bra and other such things.

One thing is for certain, I was not prepared for anything like this to happen. I know it could have been a lot worse, and should thankful that it is not, but it still doesn’t make the current situation easier to deal with knowing of worse cases which are truly sad for young girls.
Sorry for another long post, just can't seem to condense it down to a few words that says it all. I am just trying to sort it out for myself and getting a little feedback is helpful.

[Kaytee]

I don't think anyone can be prepared!!! At any age for that matter. But you are right in getting your wife to talk to her, but also you are right in being extremely concerned for her. I can't imagine how hard this must be. And believe me it is equally hard for a mom to deal with, we just deal differently then a dad does.
It sounds like you have the situation under control for the most part!! Good luck and keeo us updated. We have a few dads here who are regular posters and could always have a few more!!

[newdad06]

Jtee, I want to applaud you for handling this far better than I would have. If you were to ask anyone that knows me to describe me, the first thing they would say about me is how calm I am. It is probably my most described trait, yet I belive I would have gone off in your situation. It must have taken some amazing restraint. To tell you the truth, I instantly had a horrid shudder about walking in on my own daughter and got very angry with her and the nonexistent boy. The thought frightens me. It probably has to do with all the pregnant girls that are in my class. Every month I get another student in my class that is pregnant. It's really starting to unsettle me, especially the whole casual approach these kids are taking with sex. My students aren't afraid to tell me what medicines they are on for various std's etc.. They know so much and so little. Most still believe they could spot someone with aids. Sheesh...

Anyways, now that I've had time to think about this. It seems to me, that it is a little different with your daughter. I think that with her and her friend it is closer to playing doctor than anything else. They probably find the sensation curious, and don't really think of themselves as having sex, like an adult would. Obvoiusly they know what sex is, but I don't think they know what being sexual is. Is that making any sense? They probably didn't even think they were doing something wrong until they saw an adult reaction. I'm betting that she is really sincere when she says she won't do it again.

Still, I don't think anyone should pretend it never happened and birth control has to be addressed.

Finally, I'm no expert, so take my advice on this matter with a grain of salt and listen to the counselor.

[jtee]

There are certian things I should have handled better, and my comments posted here are watered down to help reflect how we are trying handing it now, not so much how we have handled every specific interaction since I discovered them having sex. There have been some "bad" moments in terms of judgement, but no serious errors.

It does appear that our specific situation is related to sexual exploration gone too far. I might have more to say, but I want to carefully think about what I should and shouldn't say.


Here

[jtee]

Originally Posted by SageMother

You should, however, feel very proud of yourself for recognizing that this was consensual. You are over half way toward dealing with the situation effectively. Her being too young for sex is more a social construct than a physical issue in that your doctor said her body is capable.

SageMother, Could you expand on this a little futher. I think I understand what you are saying, it is insightful and it something I had not considered before.

Thanks

JT

[SageMother]

Originally Posted by jtee

SageMother, Could you expand on this a little futher. I think I understand what you are saying, it is insightful and it something I had not considered before.

Thanks

JT

Which part would you like me to expand on?