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Old 05-16-2008, 07:49 PM   #1
Polly
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Default How do I bring peace back to my house?

My oldest son who just turned 16 a couple weeks ago moved in with me and my family last summer. He was born when I was young. Since his father has his life together, we decided it was better for him to live with his father. I see him couple time a week until his father got a better job that required a lot of travel. I end up seeing my son once every couple months and stay in touch with him.

Last year, his father got sick and is unable to work any more. So my son moved in with me and my family. Ever since that day, everything has been a chaos.

My three other kids are happy to just stay in house and play video game or watch television and only play in the front yard. My son is just opposite. He cannot stand being home for more than an hour at the most.

He's always running off to nearby forest, river, or downtown. He'd spend hours there. We often tell him to not go in forest by himself or stay in downtown late. He always complains that if anyone goes in the forest with him, they will just slow him down or worry about everything he did. He often takes tools such as rope, flashlight, knife, and other things with him when he goes. He say he usually go cave exploring, rock climbing, and other things.

He also says he hang out at coffee shop or bookstore at late because he doesn't want to be with other high school students and prefer to be around college students.

He also want to do martial arts but he refuse to attend any dojo that my husband's friend recommend. Once he went to one and at sparring, he kicked a black belt in thigh and the black belt has to sit out for the whole class. Then my son says this isnít the right place. He keep ask to go to one where they train cage fighter but we donít want him to be around those people. Especially since he have got in a lot of fight just a couple months after he moved here. Almost all of the fights are with men much older and bigger than him.

During weekend, he often will go to farmer market or coffee house and spend hours there socializing with people. We have got on him about this, he keep say that this is a normal thing in other part of world.

He also doesn't really get along with many people unless they are from other countries or theyíre interesting to him and able to carry intelligent conversation. In school heís in advance placement program and get good grade, but heís very aloof toward pretty much everyone who isnít foreign students. The teachers reported that he often speaks with other students in foreign languages.

Lately he has been in a nasty mood because we refuse to let him travel the world by himself this summer.

I donít know what to do any more. Everybody is fed up with him. He just seems to think he can just ignore everybody and do his things. He doesnít even seem to understand what being grounded mean at all either.
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Old 05-16-2008, 11:56 PM   #2
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

I'm sorry but it sounds like you are trying to make him be exactly like your other kids and he isn't. He has had a completely different life than the other kids, he enjoys different things. Why can't a 16 yr old kid go downtown alone or go into the forest alone? I did when I was that age, and younger. I think you need to stop trying to make him into a carbon copy of yourself and your other kids and let him be himself.
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Old 05-17-2008, 05:10 AM   #3
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

I have to agree with Kalli. He sounds like a fairly normal sixteen year old boy to me. I would probably be encouraging the other children to be a little more social and physically active than they are...sitting around playing video games and watching television isn't good for them to do all the time.

As for the martial arts, if he wants to do training as a cage fighter, and you don't want to pay for that, sugggest that he get a job and then pay for it from his own money.

Traveling the world? I'd offer, if you can afford it, to give him a trip for the summer after he graduates from high school....something for him to look forward to and work towards. But I wouldn't think that going this summer would be a good idea.

All in all, though, it sounds like you have a pretty good son. Relax, let him be who he is, and get to know him without trying to mold him into who you expect him to be. He's already become pretty much who he's going to be, and he seems, from what you say, very comfortable with himself. That in itself is a HUGE accomplishment for a teenaged boy. Be proud of him, and let him KNOW that you are proud of him.
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Old 05-17-2008, 07:32 AM   #4
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

He sounds like an amazing kid to me.
If he was stealing your things, doing drugs, being disrespectful I'd worry.
He's a free spirit and sounds very smart.
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Old 05-18-2008, 01:22 PM   #5
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

The reason I don't let him go to forest is because he'd often go cave exploring or rock climbing which isn't exactly safe. He even asked for a climbing rope that cost $200 for his birthday. Also couple weeks ago he left as soon as the sun raised and didn't come back until late night. He says he went rafting down river and got stuck in other city and have to walk all way back here. He says it's no fun if he calls for help.

As for downtown, he usually go when there's farmer marketing or a event.

On weekend night, he often will go and meet some people and go to their house or something. Last week, a car pulled up by the house and he came out. When I asked him who it was, he says it was an famed art collector he met at a art exhibition. He went to his house and talk about arts and history. When renaissance fair was here last fall, he went out with history professor to get coffee and talk about history. He has done this with others as well. My father has spotted him hanging out with punk girls. I don't want him to be around those types of people.

As I have mentioned, he also get in fight a lot. He would always try to find biggest man he can and test their temper. If he sees that they have a bad temper, he’ll provoke them in seeming innocent way to get them start a fight. I found this out through a couple of my kids’ friends. But I never really believe them until after he broken his hand and feet a couple time and the doctor keep say that it look like he broke it by hit or kick something hard. When we confront him about this, we got the whole story. Basically he just says they shouldn’t have picked a fight with him if they don’t know how to fight. He says that when he trained, he never got in a fight because he got it all out in the dojo. He says his father use to leave him at a dojo after school everyday.

He’s a pretty good kid but… It’s just so frustrating with how he doesn’t seem to follow any house rules. As I say he doesn’t know what being grounded mean. When we told him he’s grounded, he’d just give us an odd look and in a couple hours or next day he’d be out running around again. The best we can do is telling him to go to his room and to not come out for rest of the night, that’s only thing he really understand. Also he seems to think we’re silly that we are worried about his safety and say if he has done this thing his whole life, he must be doing something right. He expect us to let him live the way his father allows him to. Our other kids often complain that he always get away with everything and do more than they.

I and my husband believe that for most of his life, he never really has a home. He’d just stay in one house or hotel for a couple weeks then move when his father got other job. So he isn’t use to living in one place for long time.
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Old 05-18-2008, 01:34 PM   #6
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

Still sounds like you are trying to make him into someone he isn't....and that's going to drive him away if it continues. Other than the fighting, I don't really see anything he's doing that is all that upsetting. Perhaps if you let him have the freedom to be who he is, to be friends with the people he wants to be friends with, you can convince him to curtail the fighting. Compromise can be a good thing.

If the fighting continues, then I would insist on him seeing a counselor. Family counseling, or at least counseling for you and him, might not be a bad idea anyhow.
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Old 05-18-2008, 01:43 PM   #7
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

What about paying for a gym so he can work out to eventualy cage fight? Let him pick the karate place. He sounds very independant, he doesn't sound stupid by any means. Some kids grow up faster then others. All you can do is point him in the right direction. Maybe Junior deputy or Airforce for young kids? Along those lines? Anything that will hold him responsible.
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Old 05-19-2008, 09:33 AM   #8
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

He sounds exactly like me. If I was in your situation, I would let him be free BUT set a few ground rules and absolutely enforce them. Like no leaving the house after a certain hour, and every even hour on the hour call you with a status update. Things like that will show him that you trust him to do what he wants and be safe, but you're still an authoritative figure who he must at least partially submit to.
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Old 05-19-2008, 10:16 AM   #9
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

Your son sounds almost exactly like my brother at that age with one exception, he would never pick a fight, but if you picked the fight, one thing is certain...you're going down.

He seems somewhat angry, you may want to deal with that before he picks a fight with someone like my brother. Not my area of expertise though.

I would however, like to defend Punk Rock Girls (reference post#5).

Scrape off the make up, remove the piercings, return the hair to a cute look and slap on a school girl outfit and you have exactly what you started with.

Someone's beautiful little angel.

I was a long haired metalhead in my teens and into my late 20's, and I'm sure my girlfriends parents called me one of "those types". But when they got to know me, they found out I am a completely normal kid with an Iron Maiden T-shirt.

Being Punk does not mean they do drugs, or steal, or are bad people in any way shape or form. Believe it or not, I'm sure some of the lovely ladies here were Punk Girls way back when, and there are currently some Goth's here, and they are great people. Sure there are exceptions, but don't pigeon hole them all.

Punk is merely a choice of music. That's it, that's all.

Not meaning to be rude, but if my DD wanted to hang out with a child who picks fights for the sake of being tough, I would say "I don't want you hanging out with those types".
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Old 05-19-2008, 10:32 AM   #10
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Default Re: How do I bring peace back to my house?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Music-dad View Post
Being Punk does not mean they do drugs, or steal, or are bad people in any way shape or form. Believe it or not, I'm sure some of the lovely ladies here were Punk Girls way back when, and there are currently some Goth's here, and they are great people. Sure there are exceptions, but don't pigeon hole them all.
Very good point.
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