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Old 06-10-2008, 07:04 AM   #1
jldaniels79
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Default How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

I am losing my mind. My 11 year old daughter is out of control. She will not take no for an answer and by me saying she will not take no for an answer she makes everyone's life miserable. She is very disrespectful towards me. She back talks and sasses me. When I discipline her she crys and whines and says hurtful things. I don't know what to do. Last night I sent her and her younger sister (8 years old) to their room (they share) for being disrespectful at the dinner table. She was eating with her fingers and mocking me when I told her to use a fork and my 8 year old (who is hyper) kept getting up from the table and wouldn't eat her food. I finally had enough and told them to get up from the dinner table and go to their room. This was after repeatedly telling them to behave. My 11 year old fought with me for 2 hours after that and it finally ended up with me bawling my eyes out and looking like an idiot in front of her. She would not let it drop. She said everything from I am mean, she hates me, she wants to live with her dad, I am not her mother, she has a horrible life and much more. As I was in her room getting the baby (who crawled in while I was trying to reason with her), she threw a stuffed animal as hard as she could at my head. I did end up using a belt on her. I had enough of hearing myself talk and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Even then she fought back and made this overdramic scene that I hurt her so bad and she was going to call the cops because she had a mark on her leg. I don't know what to do anymore. She has no respect for me or appreciation for what I do. How can I get control of her. I know I am wrong by arguing with her but she keeps on and keeps on and when I tell her to do something she outright refuses to do it. She is only 11 and I can't deal with this for 7 more years. I can't even take her anywhere because it is embarrassing if she doesn't get what she wants or doesn't get her way. It is really bad when her and my 8 year old daughter team up against me. Trust me, I am the lady you see at the restaurant with the bad kids everyone is looking at shaking their heads thinking "she needs to control her kids". I am trying. I know I'm doing something wrong though and I need some advice on what to do right. My 8 year old has started going to counceling for hyperactivity and adhd which is where most of her problems are coming from but I need help with my 11 year old desperately.
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:16 AM   #2
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

A few questions if you don't mind...

1. Does her father have discipline issues as well?
2. Do you have a male in the home?
3. How long have you and the ex been separated?
4. Have you hit her with the belt before, and if so, how did she react? Did it correct the behavior (if at least temporarily)?
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:33 AM   #3
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

I don't mind. Her father is what I call a disneyland dad. He lives 5 hours away and sees her maybe once a month and a month in the summer. He just has fun with her which I guess is expected because he never sees her so she thinks of his house as fun and that is it. No rules, no responsibilities, no discipline. A little more of our family history though......... me and her father seperated before I ever found out I was pregnant. We were never married though. I got pregnant with her at 17. I married when she was 3. I was married for 7 years and we I went through a divorce beginning of the year. She really didn't seem effected by the divorce as her and my ex husband never got along and in my opinion he was too harsh on her at times. My boyfriend just moved in a week in 3 days ago because I was on the verge of foreclosong on my home and he wanted to help save it. My daughter loves having him there because she really likes him and they get along great. He doesn't discipline right now. It was his idea that I discipline for now since the divorce is still fresh and he is still getting to know them. I guess he didn't want to cause any resentment right now. He gets frustrated at how my daughter talks to me and the effects it has on me but he stays out of it. He makes suugestions to me like taking the tv out of their room or taking stuff away from them but it is hard when they share a room because I don't want one being punished for another's bad behavior and I've tried that before and it doesn't seem to work. My 11 year old has always been mouthy. I may not have noticed it as much because my ex husband could control her. As said though, I thought he was too harsh at times but now I wonder if that is what he had to do to get to her. I have used a belt on her before but no, it doesn't seem to work. But nothing does. I make her write sentences, I take stuff away, I spank her, I don't know what else to do. Spankings even with a belt don't phase her. She will make a big dramatic scene when I do it but she still acts out and like I said sometimes she will fight back. I will say that she is on the verge of puberty. She has to wear a bra know and is growing hair in areas but she hasn't started her mentsraul cycle yet. I am sure that causes some hormonal changes and I understand that. I jusy want her to respect me and obey me.
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Old 06-10-2008, 07:45 AM   #4
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

My parents divorced when I was 5...I saw my dad on the weekends. My mother remarried when I hit about your daughter's age, which caused alot of anger issues to arise. I ended up in couseling and after a while things were better. I would certainly start thinking about counseling to find the cause of these issues. Yes, kids are by nature rebellious, but it can be controlled by behavior changes. It seems to me that there are deeper issues here that need to be addressed. By the fact that you said that you almost lost your home, it seems that finances may be a concern...if it is, there are counseling services that will work on a sliding scale, basing their fees on your income.

I would keep the boyfriend out of discipline at this point, but if your daughter is physically hurting you, then he needs to step in and stop it. Also, be careful with the belt. Belts, switches, rulers were ok not long ago, but in this day and age it may be considered abuse.

I don't know your relationship with your ex, but you may see if you can draft his help to talk to her about her bahavior. If he can back you, it would be a big help.
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Old 06-10-2008, 08:33 AM   #5
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

Employing any kind of retaliation such as using a belt or yelling isn't going to work. Retaliation invites further retaliation and it leads to the child feeling hurt, resentful or rebellious. The goal of parenting is to teach children what's acceptable and what's not, among other things, and not to send the message of "I'm the adult, listen to me or else". The parent must control his/her behavior before the child can be expected to control his/her own.

A good first step would be to apologize for using the belt on her and tell her that you'll use other means of discipline. She'll be surprised that you're willing to admit your own mistakes, and at least some of her bitterness and resentment towards you will evaporate, even if she's not willing to forgive you.

Outline the punishments for each kind of behavior and stick by it via any means necessary, but make sure they are fair and make sure you don't use a nasty tone, raise your voice, or say things like "I told you so". When implementing your punishment, your message should be, "Don't you see? You broke rule X, and your punishment is Y. I understand you're upset, but there's nothing I can do."

If she doesn't eat her food, and assuming it's not food that she absolutely cannot stand, then say in advance that she's going to have X minutes to finish her food or you're going to take it away. It's likely that you give in a lot when she demands something. You have to learn to live with bad behavior for a small while and be resilient. Tell her in advance that if she demands something instead of asking you respectfully, you're going to flatly refuse, and stick by it. That kind of behavior will stop. There's no point kicking the vending machine if nothing ever comes out.

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Old 06-10-2008, 08:38 AM   #6
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

As pointed out above, consistency surely is key, but so is finding out the root cause of the problem. No consistency in the house and she'll walk all over you.
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Old 06-10-2008, 08:46 AM   #7
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can very much relate. I have twin 15 year olds. They have gone through quite a few stages of rebellion (one more than the other). It's very difficult.

I can tell you in our house I've learned that hitting and shouting does not work. I have switched gears and remain very low key but consistent. First off - when i've had it (straw that broke the camels back) I take EVERYTHING of any importance to them away and they then have to earn it back one by one. Anything and everything - no tv, no phone, no computer, no going out with friends, no ipods.. nothing but reading. It's tough at first cuz she will have a major freak out. Just have to tell her too bad.. if she wants her things and privileges back she needs to change her ways and that's that. With your other daughter you will just need to get creative on how to allow her to do things while doing this. Perhaps allow her to watch tv in another room or something. The biggest key is to not give in. Only when you see some attitude changes then you give one thing back.. then a little more after some more progress. I've even gone as far as to take favorite items of clothing away because I know that would really upset them.
You have to keep your temper and remain calm. Carry a 'tough luck' type of attitude.. it works a lot better than screaming and letting her ruin your day. She's the one with the problem - you're the one with the power.. remember that.

Hang in there. I know what you are going through and it's not easy. Stay cool and consistent and you'll start to see improvement.
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Old 06-10-2008, 10:38 AM   #8
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

I haven't read anyone elses response so sorry if I am repeating.
When discipling the girls do not keep them together. They plot against you and you lose ground.
Sorry to sound mean but you sound like a push over. No child should be able to make an adult cry.
Your daughter wants your attention and she is willing to get it even if it's in a bad way.
If I were you I would focus on her. First have a heart to heart and let her know that you both need to change and respect each other. Find something that she is good at and compliment her on her achievements. Something that she doesn't share with her sibling.
It's going to be hard to undo what you've already created. If it were my daughters there rooms would have nothing but a mattress and a sheet. The tv's would be all taken out. They would have to earn these privledges back.
Somehow you need to let them know YOU are the adult and "demand" respect.
If they act like they don't care about their things then they stay away longer.
Let Disney dad stay that way but as long as they are in your home, they will behave.

Send them to my house for a week. I'll have them loving you.

Good luck.
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Old 06-10-2008, 10:51 AM   #9
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

I agree with Cthru's post :-)

Be consistent and don't show weakness.
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Old 06-12-2008, 08:23 PM   #10
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Default Re: How do I get my 11 year old daughter to respect me?

She is at a difficult age, there have been some major changes to the household & she has a determined nature. So you have a lot going on. i agree with all that has been said about setting down the rules before hand. I would also allow her to work with you on devising the rules. This way she has some ownership. I would dispense with physical punishment immediately as it seems that it usually happens when you are at the end of your rope and it seems to escalate the drama not calm it. I would also get rid of the TV in her room not as a punishment but just because it is not a great idea. The girls could be watching late at night without your knowledge. They could be overtired as well as everything else.
As to the food, i would take the battle away. if she refuses to eat, don't make her. However make it clear there is nothing else that she will be getting for dinner & that once the meal time is over she wont be able to resume it late in the evening. If she chooses to go hungry i am sure she will only do it a couple of times. i would also at 11 give her some responsibilities. Sometimes rebellious kids respond well to this as they have alpha personalities. Have her make dinner a couple of times a week. This way she is in charge so it less likely to be a pain about eating it. Have her earn her pocket money. Get the 8 year old in on this too. Perhaps consider seeing a family counsellor all together. Don't make it that she is the family scapegoat but get some independent advice on how you can all live together a little better.
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