Why teens are nice to friends but not parents

[etceterae]

X-posted from Teens on Parenting

I'm in JROTC, which is a military science course. Last year, I had a leadership position (cadet First Sergeant) that put me in charge of around thirty people. Though I don't dare say that my job was anywhere as difficult as parenting, there's something in common with the two that I've noticed.

It's the use of anger.

I remember that one of the lieutenants in our battalion had a legendary temper. Never once was his face a shade of normal tan, never once was his demeanor calm. Sometimes during his rants against the poor corporals, spittle would fly out of his mouth. In the beginning of the year, the freshmen cadets were terrified of him. But by the end of the year, nobody took the lieutenant's anger seriously at all, and ignored most of his orders. So although we obeyed him quick as anything when we were unused to his anger, we soon enough thought his rants were stupid and silly.

And then there was a captain, who I must admit, was extremely nice. Everybody loved her because she just let things slide, and we could be silly idiots and she'd never get upset. The effect of this was that whenever she actually needed us, we took forever to listen. We got lazy around her because she never got angry, or even upset when we messed up.

Parents can behave in almost the same way. If you want us to improve and get angry every time we make a mistake, we'll eventually stop listening because we'll get used to your temper. Subconsciously, we'll think, "Oh, Dad's throwing another temper tantrum. I'll just look at the ground and pretend to be sorry." You don't want to have that effect on us. But you also don't want to let everything go, because we'll just behave like bigger and bigger idiots when we think that you don't disapprove.

The trick, in my opinion, is to openly show disappointment. Not necessarily anger, but just disappointment that we haven't lived up to what we can be. Save the anger for when we're really stupid, not when we're a bit careless or forgetful.

This month, try to "really blow up" at your teen just once. I know that for some of you this may seem ridiculous, but you still can use our mistakes to show disappointment - which at times can be stronger than anger.

[jazili]

The question certainly back to us why we are so understand to our friend but not to our child....

[etceterae]

Lol, that's rather interesting. Never thought of it from that point of view....probably because I don't have kids yet XD