Behavior problems of 19 mos. old

[janna57]

Hi, I am Janna and this is my first post. I was looking for a few tips about my grandson. First, of all my daughter is worried about him turning into a little bully. When she took him out today, he ran up to neighbor boy and took the drink out of his hand and ran away and laughed. Also, problems with her next door neighbor's little girl. My grandson will hit her and be mean, but her neighbor says that he is only like that when my daughter is with him. The neighbor has babysat my grandson a few times, and said that he is not mean to her daughter when his mother is not there. Sometimes, my grandson will start throwing his toys around and at people, even me.
Here is what I do when he is acting like this. I will pick him up, put him on my lap and in a hold after I have scolded him. He will yell and try to hit, but I just continue to hold him, then he tries to kiss me. I will act mad for a little while and ignore him. After he quiets down I will let him go. Then he will come up and hug me, and I kiss him and hug him. I have argued with my daughter about smacking him. She says, that just tap his hand or his but and not hurt him. I told her that it makes no sense. I have hit my kids on a "few" occasions, and if I had a second chance to raise them all over again, I would NEVER hit them. I am totally against hitting. even my mother thinks that I should smack his hand when he gets agressive e.g. hitting, biting. I don't agree with the old school of discipline. I believe that I am more educated now and am totally against hitting. But, what do you do with a child that does not understand reasoning? Also, I have pointed out to my daughter that my grandson has his tantrums when he is overtired, and it is not "his" fault that he is not getting the rest when he needs it.
I told my daughter when he is mean to neighbor, pick him up and bring him home. She says that he goes to door, bangs on it, and has tantrum. I said, so what's your point? I believe that she just needs to remove him from situation, if she can. e.g. bring him in the house and let him have tantrum.
Any comments?

[janna57]

Thanks Mindy. You are going to be a great parent. Are you working in childcare field?
Although, I never hit him and discourage my daughter not to. She just started hitting him, as this is what his dad does. I really get mad about it. His dad thinks there is nothing wrong with hitting. My point has been that he is still a baby!! Really too young for a timeout. However, my timeouts with him, are just putting him in a hold on my lap. I am a nurse and worked in psych facility. On our children's unit, we would put children in timeout chair, for one minute for every yr. of their age. If they would act out during that time, the timer would be re-set.
Another thing that my daughter has done is smacking his butt, if he runs out into road.(well her parking lot in apt.complex) I told her that was totally unnnecssary to hit him. He has ran out on my road.(I live on a non-busy street) I would pick him up and bring him in the house. I did not hit him, but I did yell at him. I feel that was all that was necessary, as he was so upset and threw a tantrum. I am not sure if he is really getting the message, that if he goes into road that he loses his "outdoor" playtime privilege. But, I think he does at the time. He loves to be outdoors and bringing him inside is sure punishment to him.
Oh well, there is not much that I can do, as I am not the parent. And, my daughter does not go around hittting him all the tme. And, it is just one tap, but I think that it is ridiculous. I believe that it is just teaching him to hit. Also, I believe that hittting is lazy parenting. I have done it "seldomly" when I raised my children. But, I tell my daughter that I was WRONG! But, others disagree with m. As I said before, my mother thinks there is nothing wrong with smacking his hand or butt. Also, my husband thinks it is okay.

[Xero]

I think you're right about a lot of that. I don't see anything WRONG with tapping a hand or butt, but I personally plan to never use hitting as a punishment on my son. Hitting kids teaches them to hit. Basically they learn that hitting is used as a punishment when something doesn't go your way or you don't like something or something makes you mad. So that's how they use it!! Monkey see monkey do, you know? I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I don't want to hear complaints when your little one doesn't understand that hitting isn't ok. You know what I mean?

I agree with taking him out of the situation. If he can't be nice, then he can't play. If he throws a tantrum, watch him to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or break anything lol. Oh and he probably doesn't hit the little girl when mom isn't around because the little girl's mom probably doesn't let him. She probably uses some kind of unwanted and yet harmless kind of punishment, so he knows he can't get away with it. When mom is around, he can get away with it because she's the boss and the neighbor isn't at that time.

Oh and when I was talking to my mom about trying to keep Eli out of things he shouldn't get, or anything else bad, she suggested I tap him on the hand or whatever. I said "well I don't really want to hit him, what about time out?" and she said "Well I think he's too young for time out". Am I the only one that thinks that's the most retarded thing ever said? Like that doesn't make any sense to me. "He's old enough to be smacked, but not old enough to be sat aside in a playpen harmlessly when he gets in trouble". OOOOKAY.

No way, I obviously can't let him run amok, and I refuse to hurt my child physically, so when I think I need to do something about his behavior, I have a playpen in the livingroom that I pick him up and set him in for MAYBE one minute. He cries, but it doesn't hurt him. I pick him right back up, tell him no to whatever thing, calm him down, and put him back down to play. And it works!! The other day he opened up the cupboard under the kitchen sink three times in a row and each time I told him no, and the last time I even moved him over to play with something else, and next thing I looked and he had it open and a couple cleaners out and I put him in time out for not even a minute and he didn't go NEAR it ONCE for the rest of the day, and every time he goes for it since then I tell him no and he listens to me.

They obviously wont sit in a chair, but they get the point when they're in a playpen. Especially for me, since I don't use the playpen for any other reason. Basically I just think the idea of a kid being too young for timeout, but old enough for hitting, is stupid.

If they don't feel bad about hitting their baby, they shouldn't have a problem plopping his butt in a playpen for a minute and watching him throw a tantrum so he at least gets the point. (That if he can't act appropriately while moving around, he'll lose his priveledges to move around!! haha)

[lily_angel_love]

When my daughter corylee was about that age, she is now 4, she would throw these terrible tantrums and would hurt anybody she could reach. She would bite kick sctratch throw stuff, anything to hurt people. After exhausting all of my resources i finally decided she needed to be talked to. So i would kneel down to her level have her look me right in the eyes and I would tell her that "she is not allowed to get that angry. She can get upset but not that angry." I would explain to her that it is completely natural to be upset, but shes not allowed to get that angry.
When little kids get mad they fuss, but when they get angry and try to hurt others they scare themselves and then they loose all control. When they get angry they get scared which makes them more angry and it just turns into a vicious cycle. Another thing is be consistent that way the child knows that it is always ok to be upset but never ok to be that angry. If the child is still trying to hurt people after having it explained sit them on the bed and wait in the door way. Sometimes it is hard to think that the child will understand you but they do, just as the understand candy or park. I am currently going through this same thing with my 19 month old daughter and with any child it is repitition. Be consistent at first it may not seem to make a difference but slowly the fits will get less often and less severe.

[evilbrent]

At 19 months I reckon this is "age appropriate behaviour". I don't think it's anywhere too late to start teaching this kid to be respectful to others - and that's always something that you do by being respectful to the kid.

Somewhere along the line this kid is frustrated by intrusions into his own boundaries and it leads him to not respect other's boundaries. The more aware he becomes of the feelings of others, and, more importantly, aware that other's feelings COUNT, the more gentle he will become.

The more compassion your grandson sees, the more he'll be able to exhibit.