my 18 year old daughter has a very bad temper

[tessera]

Hello,
I'm back again and depress. I just wanted to talk to someone out there about my BIG problem. My daughter got mad at me again (as always). I was just asking her about the job fair at the university and started yelling at me really really loud and she could not control her anger. She said bad things to me such as I'm a VERY BAD MOTHER, that I always put her down, that I always make her feel sad. I cannot talk to her or ask any questions without her getting mad. Like I said before from my previous letter, she has a lot of anger inside. She's a very shy girl and she blames me for thsi. Why me? Ever since she was young I tried my best to build her self esteem and make her happy but she's a ver rebellious child. She doesn't do drugs or drinks ans she's surrounded by her good friends and her very nice boyfriend. Anyway, I was so scared today that I could not control her. she grabbed her car key and wanted to live but I did not want her to leave upset. She was very strong and told her brother(11 year old to call the police) but her brother was very upset and scared so I called her boyfriend to help me. I told her that she needs counseling but everything that I tell her will say it back to me. I did not tell her father about this because is very sick although he was the one of the reasons why my daughter turned out like this. Her dad came very sad because he just found out from his doctor that he has a cyst on his back and needed a surgery. We both cried and my 11 year old son was so very nice to comfort me. I don't know how to handle my daughter anymore. She came home afer 2 hours talking to her boyfriend. She aplogized to me for yelling at me but did not apologize for calling me a bad mother. She was very cold when I hugged her that I can tell that saying her sorry was not coming from the heart that she just saying it to listen to her boyfriend.(she's done it before, it's always hard for her to say sorry to me or to say I love u to me). Anyway, I told her that I will leave her alone from now on that she's an adult now, but I thnik I was wrong for saying that, because she still leaves with me sand I still support hero she has to follow the rules. Am I wrong for telling that I will leave her alone? I just wanted her to be strong, independent and to learn how to stand on her feet that's why I always give her advice, but she always take it the wrong way.

Please help me what to do.

Thanks again

[MidwestMom]

I'm sorry that she is putting you through this. The fact that her father is sick, could have her very scared, but its still no excuse for her treating you this way.

She is going through a stage, I believe, that she's old enough to do what she wants, and doesn't have to listen to you.

I went through it with my oldest, and am going through MORE than this with my youngest right now.

The one thing that humbled my oldest, was getting out on his own, and realizing how hard it is to make ends meet out there.

I agree, she has to follow the rules while living under your roof. If she can't you may have to show her the door. We had to do that with our oldest, and within 6 months, he woke up and realized that he didn't have it so bad at home.

He was terrible, would tell us that we couldn't make him do things. That he was 18 and he was going to do what he wanted to do now.

He's been shown, through life experience that the world still has rules, even if he's not living at home, and that no matter what, he has to follow those rules.

As long as she's living under your roof and not following your rules, you not doing her any favors. Read about my other son, and you will see why I say this. Every child, no matter what age, needs boundaries. She's no different, she's just going to be difficult about it.

[Dadu2004]

Agreed. She's in your house, therefore she abides by your rules. I'm not sure why she would explode on you though just talking to her about a job fair. It seems to me that she needs to get into some counseling.

[etceterae]

Like Dadu2004 says, you're not that clear on the details. I'd like very much to help, but could you explain what led from a simple question from the job fair to an explosion?

Also, you need to:

1. Realize that you're not supposed to control her. You're supposed to influence her - there's a world of difference there.
2. Be firm about house rules. Kick her out if she doesn't follow them (she is an adult now with her own resources, and not a defenseless teenager anymore). You need to show a bit of tough love and if she can't appreciate by now, even in a nebulous sense, what you're giving her, then just don't give it to her at all.
3. Realize that when you told her that she's an adult so you'll leave her alone, you were completely right. The way you're describing her - it almost sounds like she's begging for attention from you.

[tessera]

Hi
Like I said before from my previous positngs, my daughter has a lot of anger inside and I feel like she hates me. I asked to tell me why she's always angry at me or write me a letter but she won't do it. A year ago I wrote her a letter about 3 pages long and asked her to write ll her worries, or what's bothering her any complain about me. I am not a very strict mom in fact I'm a cool mom with them. My daughter is a very shy girl she has a little bit of sociophobia but she's in denial.
I cannot make any conversation with her or ask any questions without her getting very angry. I tried to give her advise or tell her things that I know it's good for her but she always take it the wrong way and think that I am controlling her. Today I am going to talk to my sister in law about my problems with my daughter and then she will talk to her and also talk to my husband. I am not sure if thing will get better or it iwll get worse.

Thank you.

[roxnne chilpsyc]

hi tessera.

your duaghter needs to see someone. she needs to talk about her feelings and things that have happened. most teenages feel like they cant talk to they parents, they wont understand or they will be angry. she needs a space where she can talk in private and know that the person she is talking to is on her side. i promise once everything is let out instead of being bottled up inside of her and she can work through here problems she will start to improve. i think its just a cry for help.

hope everything works out!

[tessera]

Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it very much.
AS I have said from my previous post that I will talk to my sisiter in law(husband's sister) about my issue with my daughter. After my sister in law talked to my daughter, boyfriend, husband, and me (one on one), things got worse in the house. My daughter still not talking to me and her boyfriend seems very cold to me today. My husband is not talking to me either. I've learned my lesson today that never ask in laws for any advice regarding family problems. I don't know what to do now. Should I give up my pride and start talking to my daughter as if nothing happened. But if I do this she would think that what she has done (disrespect, yelling, snap and talking back)to me were okay. I am depress right and cannot sleep at night anymore which affecting my job performance. My husband is very sick and really wanted to stop this kind of relationship with my daughter but I don't know what to do anymore.