Intimacylessness

[evilbrent]

Hi. This is a seroius question - is it possible, or even reasonable for me to stop wanting to have sex or stop wanting to be touched by my wife?

I dunno if you remember any of my story now, but my wife has basically shut down on me - no hugging, no kissing, no touching her in the bed, no witnessing her getting in or out of the shower, no watching her get ready to go out (oh, yeah, between us we go out 2-4 times a week... but never together for about 4 months now), no holding her hand, no nothing.

Needless to say she makes absolutely no movements towards me.

I'm feeling really distressed by this complete barrier - this total lack of affection or even comfort. I don't need her to stick her tongue down my throat (well... I DO but that's a different need) I just want her to put her arm around me when I get in bed, or kiss me goodbye or hello, or give me a hug when I start crying - instead of just sitting there saying "I don't know what to do now."

She shows plenty of affection to the kids, hugs, kisses, and I asked her why them and not me and her answer was "Because they're not a threat".

----

So. Aside from sending her off to see a cognitive therapist (2nd session this week, it's taken about 4 months to get this organised) the only thing that I can think of to save, if not our relationship then at least our marriage (you know, the assets, the house, the fact that we're two parents) is for me to stop wanting to be touched by her. To stop wanting to touch her.

On the face of it, it ought to be easy, according to her, because she's really very obese. But for some reason that doesn't affect my level of desire even a little bit. I'm beginning to understand _how_ a person might cheat on their partner - imagine going through life being assaulted by these feelings and desires for a person that you KNOW you shouldn't have. You can't just turn this tap off.

Can you?

I can think of three ways:

• Prostitutes
• an affair
• anti-depressants for me. Don't they suppress your sex-drive sometimes?

I know that there's drugs they make pedophiles take which destroy their ability to be aroused - I don't quite want to go that far.

I just want to be rid of this aching. I want to go through a single day without obsessing about being touched. I want to wake up and feel happy, or at least wake up and not be brutally aware that I'm lying 6 inches from a woman who will not let me put my finger on her.

She says that her skin gets so hot that it feels like it burns in the middle of the night when I even put my hand on her, let alone try to spoon with her (it's winter here by the way. We've got 2 blankets on and our thickest pyjamas.)

----

Last night she got home too early, and I wasn't asleep, and the only thing I could think of to alleviate the feeling of frustration was to just put some stuff into a bag and go stay with my parents. I'm that close. I really am.

I don't think she gets it. I don't think she understands that I don't know that I'm going to last through the year, let alone next year. I don't think she knows the urgency of her situation, how much worse her life is going to be when I leave her.

----

Can I do it? Can I stop wanting to be touched so that I can save my marriage? I don't want prostitutes, and I don't want an affair. Like I said, I know HOW people could cheat, because I've now experienced powerful desire that I WANT to stop, but the only person I've EVER felt that pull from is my wife. It's our 10th anniversary in January. I'll be shattered if it's not celebrated.

[1dayatatime]

Evil I'm sorry. I can only hope that the therapist will be able to help. From all the posts I've read from you, you seem like a pretty normal guy. You can not turn off those feelings. Just as it will VERY difficult for her to allow herself to open back up. You have a good point though...does she realize what her shut down is about to cost her? Honestly its selfish IMO. It hard for me to understand how any wife/mother can put themselves before their family. I pray that you will both find a way.

[evilbrent]

Originally Posted by 1dayatatime

Honestly its selfish IMO. It hard for me to understand how any wife/mother can put themselves before their family.

"Lie back and think of England" huh?

Why not? I'm thinking of putting myself before my family.

[1dayatatime]

O Big Ben. LOL The difference is haven't you made every possible effort to keep the family together?

[mom2many]

Personally I think that you are being selfish, you know that their is something wrong with your wife, that this goes beyond what would be considered the norm, for any woman, most woman are just to tired to care about sex, but intamacy is something that even they like to have in their lives. Her weight I am sure is a big part of it, how is she supposed to believe that you find her attractive, when she doesn't? You can say it a thousand times a day and she won't believe you, cause she hasn't found herself worthy of the praise. I KNOW she looks in a mirror and thinks to herself..."Is he seeing what I am seeing, cause if he did he would be repulsed!". Know add to that the issues she is having mentaly, who has hurt her so badly that she can't trust you when you tell her that she is beautiful to you?

I get that you are feeling horney, and regected, most men would, but know isn't the time to be ruled by your urges, know is the time to let being a father be #1 on your list. What would you teach your children by looking outside the home? What would you being saying to your son? How about your DD who in the future may run into some mental illness and her husband thinks like you?

All of this is stuff you need to ask yourself, affairs and divorce effect the children a heck of a lot more then parents think.........

BUT don't stick around if you can't be the man they need in their lives, it isn't fair to anybody. I am not saying run out on your kids, but to think VERY hard before you do anything drastic!

[evilbrent]

.

[evilbrent]

double post.

[evilbrent]

well that was weird. I managed to delete my post.

I think I basically said "Thanks, I'll take it on board and I'm grateful for your time."

[Skyburning]

*hugs* Are you two going to counseling together or is it just her going? It might not hurt for you two to attend a session or two together and get things out on the table calmly and try to work through one thing at a time.

[fallon]

I'm sorry Brent...I agree with oneday, I think your wife is being selfish. I wish I had some advice for you. I don't think hookers are the answer though...way to many germs...lol