When to end the pacifier

[seeeker]

Hi,

I am actually divorced, my ex and I "share" parenting over a very long distance, although it's mostly her. We are in fundamental disagreement, always have been, about how and when to ween our boy off the pacifier. He is 2yrs, 9 months. The habit is that he relies on the pacifier during sleep in his crib. He knows in the morning, away from the bed and sleep time, that the pacifier stays in the bed, so at least it is isolated to that. But he needs it during sleep, he calls out for it and will instantly tantrum at the slightest hint of being denied the pacifier.

I think it's about time to toss the thing. When I was little, I used to sleep with a nightlight. I was terrified and I needed it. One day the bulb broke and I had no light - I was so scared of monsters and all that, and I remember vividly staring out from under the sheets waiting to be eaten alive. Then after a day or two that fear faded and everything was fine no more light.

That is my philosophy here - he might freak for a couple days, but he'll be fine.

She on the other hand does not believe in any form of denying him something. She believes it would be too upsetting for him, and there is always an excuse why now is not the right time to upset him. In a couple months he comes to stay with me for a month. I said "well, we'll straighten out this little problem when he stays with daddy." And she said "maybe that's not the right time, when he is in a new environment..."

It's always something, some reason to prolong it - and it's really driving me up the wall. My attitude is ok, he's almost 3, if not now, when? I don't want him to be one of those dependent spoiled little boys who NEEDS the thing, prolonging it, with whatever emotional impact... I don't know if I'm over reacting though. So that is my long winded way of asking what are the generally accepted practices regarding the timing of weening off the pacifier?

thanks.

[Father_0f_7]

I was actually 4 and my parents lied to me. They were having no luck getting me off the pacifier, I think I just liked chewing on things...I still do. Anyway, we were going to the beach and my dad said "Seir (he was the only one to ever call me that, and the only one who ever will), you better enjoy that for the entire car ride because they dont allow pacifiers at the beach." My dad said I sucked on that thing for the entire ride there and when we got there I didnt want to get out.

But yes, I think 3 is an appropriate age.

[Xero]

I took Eli's at six months, before he could get too crazy over it. But now he's obsessed with his sippy cup, so I don't know. I think kids just need something to comfort them, whether it be a sippy or a pacifier or a blanky or a stuffed animal. I don't see the big deal if he only has it in bed. What's it hurting? I hate toddlers running around with a pacifier hanging out of their mouth, but if it's just to help them sleep I don't see it being too bad of a thing. Three sounds like a good age I'd say, past then it's a little much.

[Dadu2004]

This is an issue where my fiancee and I disagree. She tends to be one who will put an age limit to cut them off...for example, age 2 to cut out the pacifier with some compromise to the child's feelings. I'm kind of the opposite. I believe that every child is different, and you'll know when it's time to remove the pacifier from the child. Delaney I think was about 2 1/2 when we got rid of it. I'm not a big subscriber to the theory of putting ages to things...they're ready when they're ready. Of course, that's not to say that I'd let my high school daughter go to school with a pacifier in her mouth...

[Nikita]

My son was two when we took away his pacifier. Bascially, we went cold turkey. It took about a week with him crying for it each night, but finally he realized he wasn't getting it anymore.

I'm actually glad my second one never took to the pacifier, I don't have to go through that again.

[millerscow]

Originally Posted by Xero

I took Eli's at six months, before he could get too crazy over it. But now he's obsessed with his sippy cup, so I don't know. I think kids just need something to comfort them, whether it be a sippy or a pacifier or a blanky or a stuffed animal. I don't see the big deal if he only has it in bed. What's it hurting? I hate toddlers running around with a pacifier hanging out of their mouth, but if it's just to help them sleep I don't see it being too bad of a thing. Three sounds like a good age I'd say, past then it's a little much.

To the parent seeking help:
The paci. should go asap. It hinders the childs speach development And
The way the teeth and gums align with each other as the child grows. Granted the child is not using it when he's up playing, but even at night while sleeping the teeth and jaws and gums are still slowly but surely developing and setting in motion how his mouth works in general and how his "big kid" teeth will grow in. This Does affect speach developement later and the wisdom teeth and the rest of his teeth too b/c of the alignment of the teeth and gums and jaw. If the child uses the binky too long when his mouth is still developing it messes up how his mouth will work later on. This makes the child need speach therapy and braces and such later on as he grows into a school age child and further up and can affect how he feels about himself--his self image. It can also lead to cavities. The constant sucking on the binky at night forces more saliva into the mouth which causes things to get broken down so the saliva can reverse the very early stages of tooth decay, where acids in it have caused slight demineralization of the tooth surface, but before actual cavity formation occurs. whcih of course means it can cause cavities even though saliva is mostly good.

XERO:
You got a lot of sense and I like the things ya give as advice. YOu do good. I think you've got a good head on your shoulders from just reading some of your posts. but i'm surprised ya'd say that about the binky.

The thing here is the pacifier and what harm is it to let the baby keep it even at three. Let me tell ya'll this first so's you can get an idea of where i differ. I haven't taken my kids to the dentist--yet. I see no need because I know what needs to be done to take care of their teeth and mouths. they will, it's just not time with insurance issues.
But one used a pacifier and one didn't. There's a huge difference in how well the kids teeth work with one another--their own and how the teeth align. and what it does to their speech development and what if any cavities they have and may develope. Ya see they both need speech. One is getting it since she's in school now. The other can, but my work is so messed up I can't put her in it.
They both need speech therapy, granted for different reasons but still they do need it.
The reason one of them needs it is because she used the binky way longer than she should have. The other because she didn't really get to spend much time with others her own age and wasn't given the chance to "grow with others" which is not the opportunity the one who used the binky had. The one who used the binky did have the opportunity to "grow with others" but ended up with a speech problem because of the binky and using it way longer than she should have.

So ya'll see? Using the binky does cause problems and there is problems with letting a child use it for too long even if the binky is only used at night when the child is in bed.

We bought binkies every other week b/c we gave in to the demands and it did affect our child in ways we didn't imagine they would.
finally when we knew it was just way past time and something had to be done we made our child take responsibility for the binky. (I sound cold and mean I know, but you can only let kids get away with so much if you want them to be the good kids you know they are.) She had a habit of loosing the binky and leaving it where it didn't belong and wasn't supposed to be so we made her take responsibility.

So a solution for getting rid of the binky: Every time you see one if the child is not looking---get rid of it. When the child hollers for the binky make him find one. the next time he's preoccupied with something else and leaves another binky alone--get rid of that one too. Do this until all binkies are gone. Also, tell the child he has to take care of the binky himself,especially if he has a habit of loosing the binky, and that if you find it in a place it's not supposed to be that you will get rid of it yourself and make sure you get rid of it. This makes the child not want to bother hunting it up and gets him to understand that it's time for the binky to go bye bye. Remember the less binkies there are the quicker it works.
Also, if the child has buddies--point out the ones that aren't using one and ask the child if he wants to be a big boy. Point out to him that "big boys" don't use binkies and don't need them. Make him feel like he's like you now--a big boy.

As far as the mother--that's another topic and I have no clue what to do for it. Except for that you could point out to her what it will do to the child's developement if the use of the binky doesn't stop and A.s.a.p.

Also, depending on where you live--if the child ends up needing speech therapy it can end up costing some money. Some insurances probably wont pay for it and some public school districts probably don't have a speech program, not to mention the cost of braces later on due to binky usage and what it did to the child's developing mouth.

[AmyBelle]

I never used them on Bek, nor will I use them on the new baby. Theyre off limits.

Millerscow has an excellent point in speech difficulties and tooth alignment. They really do screw around with those things.

personally, id be getting it off him as soon as possible.

[Xero]

millerscow - No I agree with you!! Why do you think Eli was off of it at six months? I know what happens when you let them keep it. You have a two year old that can barely say mama, a three year old throwing tantrums over not getting to keep it, a seven year old with messed up teeth, and so on. I know all that! I've seen it! Granted, I know it's not always true because my sister had one till she was two and she could have a complete conversation with you at a year old and sing her ABCs and she has perfect teeth.

AND I have never had a binky and (though I've still never had one cavity), I had to have braces due to overbite. I talked really well though. I'm just saying you never know.

But I wasn't about to take chances with mine, so I let him keep it till six months and then I took it. But the problem is, after that, he needed SOMETHING to help him sleep if I wanted to avoid an every night terror scene. For a while he had nothing. Then around 11 months I let him have his bottle in bed and he slept like never before, and now it's a cuppy that he sleeps with. He really can't sleep without it. People would say that could give a kid bottle mouth, you know? But what can I do? I mean which one is better, cup or binky? It's irritating to me that it's so hard to make your kids comfortable without having to worry being a bad parent and hurting their health somehow? It's totally true, but I hate it.

What I'm trying to say is what do you do? I can't deal with letting him cry it out over everything, it sucks. You just have to choose the lesser of two evils I guess.

I'm anti-binky. But I don't think there's any real correct solution.

[millerscow]

I git ya! It was hard for us to figure somethin' out for ours too. Unfortunately our solution for the sleeping wasn't a good choice---we put 'em in our bed! they're out now. but it sure did make for some rough nights--a foot in your butt or an elbow in your eye. lol the youngest--she took it pretty well when she figured out what had to happen with the though we did have a few rough nights. we never really gave our oldest one except in the first 3 weeks and then we lost it. when we did get another she didn't like it so we were lucky not to have an issue with her about it.
we did making sure ours had their very own special blankies from the very beginning. (they still use them.) and they would sleep good if/when they were made to sleep in their own beds.
I was more affected by them sleeping in their own beds than they were. I got too used to having them with me and listening to them sleep. Still don't sleep too well unless they've snuggled up next to me. the feet and elbows bother me less than they did their daddy.
I git ya---ya gotta find something that will help them. It's never easy.