Need some advice about 7 y.o. daughter..

[sunbaby]

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum so bear with me please. My daughter is 7 years old. When she is with other members of the family or with friends parents or at school, my baby is an angel. She is well behaved, respectful, basically as perfect as a child could be. But when she is at home she is a holy terror. She hits, kicks, tries to bite, screams, says she hates me, calls my husband and me names, throws things. She is outright defiant. If I ask her to do something, she will just say no, I don't have to. She is very easily annoyed. It seems like every little thing sets her off. Or if you ask her to stop doing something, she will continue to do whatever it is. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am at the end of my rope. We have tried time-outs, taking away privleges, restraining her in a "bear hug" to keep her from hurting herself or us. If anyone has any advice or has been through anything like this, I welcome your advice or input, please. We have an appointment with her peditrician in a few weeks and maybe we will get some answers then, but until then.... HELP!

[fallon]

This is a very hard situation, I'm sorry for you. I have to tell you what I would do but my daughter is only 4 so the advice I can offer is only what I think I would do. I would take everything fun out of her room first of all, that way when she has to sit there she doesn't have anything to do but think about why she's there. Second I would cut off any play dates, outings, trips to grandma's, whatever she might do for fun. If your child is going to treat you poorly you shouldn't feel bad about taking away her things. Maybe if you show her the consequences of her actions is a harsher way (by taking away everything at once) she will see what happens if she chooses to disrespect you and your husband. Tell her why you are doing what your doing, repeat to her what she did so you know she knows why, and what for. Since she's still young you can't expect that she knows. Make her spend the day in her room, give her a book or have her right sentences so the time is being used well. Like I said this is just what I think I would do. Good luck with the Dr. (maybe have her lead levels checked, the side effects can include behavior changes, and irritability, with all the recalls lately it wouldn't hurt to check)

[Kaytee]

I agree with most of what Fallon said. Sounds like you jsut need to come down hard on her and take away all the fun in the world if she can't behave. I also do not have older children so ... take it for what it is worth

[TAR]

I agree with fallon and Kaytee, but I don't think taking away all of her stuff at once is right... I also only have young children so I can also only offer a suggestion. I would start with the things she enjoys the most and everytime she acts out take 2-3 things away at a time, now it sounds like she is acting out a lot during one day so in a couple of days everything would be gone. That way she can see it go and see that she caused it to be taken away, if you take everything away at once I think she'll put the blame somewhere else instead of on herself for her things being taken away. It's good your going to see the Dr. that is always a good thing to do. Good luck...

[tater03]

I have a seven year old but don't have this exact same problem. But I would have to agree try taking the things she likes to do away first. I know there are only a few things that my son hates when I take away them and when I do he knows I mean business. Please let us know if you don't mind what the doctor has to say. I am curious as to some of the ideas he might give you in dealing with this problem.

[sunbaby]

Thank you for the advice. I have to say that taking away everything at once seems a bit extreme. She is an extremely smart child and would probably find something or someone else to blame for that happening, but a few things at a time would let her see that she has the power to control what fun things she keeps in her life. We go to the doctor on the 14th, so I will let you know what Dr. says. Anymore advice is certainly appreciated. Thanks!

[fallon]

sunbaby, I'm sorry I miss read your first post and thought you had said you have tried taking away her things a few at a time (really it said privileges). I agree that taking everything away at once would be to hard on her if you haven't tried just her favorites. When I thought you had done it before I was thinking it was time to come down harder but as a start I would begin with things like TV, games she likes, maybe her bike, or outside play time.

[dad_of_son]

sunbaby, I agree with taking things away from your daughter for the bad behavior. What also needs to be done is to reward her when there is good behavior. If she goes through a day without kicking or hitting, give her back something that was taken away and include a hug or some other form of praise from you. This way she'll learn that good behavior results in positive reactions.

Good luck and I feel for you.

[fallon]

Originally Posted by dad_of_son

sunbaby, I agree with taking things away from your daughter for the bad behavior. What also needs to be done is to reward her when there is good behavior. If she goes through a day without kicking or hitting, give her back something that was taken away and include a hug or some other form of praise from you. This way she'll learn that good behavior results in positive reactions.

Good luck and I feel for you.

Good point. We use charts to help my daughter see how her behavior improves and as a reward system. The "rules" are clearly spelled out for her, and it almost becomes a game. That works well for us but my daughter is 4, you may need to modify the approach a bit to fit her needs. I like the sounds the point system you spoke of in another thread dad_of_son. I would be interested in hearing more about that.

[TAR]

Oh yes rewarding good behavior is a good thing... With my 4 year old, I have time outs if she is put in time out 3 times in one day something (outside play, toy she likes) gets taken away for the rest of the day and the next day. Every now and than she get 3 so that happens but usually she does pretty good and only get sent to time out 1 time. Now if she is good we do extra arts and crafts during the day or we'll bake something or something you weren't planning to do that day, it makes them enjoy you making extra time for them. They get to see what attention each behavior brings...
I know a family that only pays attention to their son when he is "bad" I don't like to use that name for it because he is not yet 2 years old, but he knows that if he misbehaves that his parents will pay attention but if he is doing something he is supposed to or just playing they wont pay any attention or just even say " what a good boy, your playing so nicely with your toys, that makes me happy" (I tell my girls that a lot when I'm doing dishes or a little busy). So he acts up gets into things just so that he can get the negative attention he don't care it's attention! He don't know the difference between nagative attention and positive attention.. Thats sad....