My son not making progress

[TCMG]

My son seems to be ostracized in his cross country team. The kids do not invite him to their homes. They don't ever accept his invitations. I brace myself when I pick him up from track practice. I can see that they are laughing at him. I need help. He's new in this school and he had problems in his other school. Kids picked on him there too.

I thought it would help if I hosted the end of season lunch here. It looks like almost no one will attend. I guess this backfired. I still have another day to collect the RSVPs.

I am at a loss. The best interaction he can get with the group he wants to be friendly with is that they text him and tell him the web site of some You Tube Videos that they made. They want more people to view the videos, that's all.

Luckily he has a friend here in the neighborhood that he hangs with on the weekends.

We are new to this area. What should i do?

[Father_0f_7]

Why is he being picked on, does he know. This may sound mean and in no way do I intend to offend you but kids pick on their peers if they dont look a certain way, have the wrong hair cut, bigger than they are, wear different types of clothes? Does he have any of those problems? What other type of stuff is he in to? Does he do other types of sports or is he just a one sport kind of guy?

I would also like to add that I think he is choosing the wrong people to want to hang out with (does that make scense?) All I'm trying to understand is, why would you want to be friends with people when all they do is pick on you and use you? (in this case the using be to get more hits on youtube).

[TCMG]

I thought about it last night and now I think I understand the situations better. My son usually picks a kid who he wants to be friendly with, and then when the kid becomes friendly with other kids and not my son, my son hates this. He selects the wrong sort of kid. He's done it before and he seems to be doing it again. He is selecting kids who have a mean streak, maybe.

The team is starting to reply and say that they will attend the end of season event at our house. Maybe we can just host the event and move on.

For cross country team, may son was the only freshman who trained during the summer (very hot summer- we live in Florida). The training was unofficial and voluntary. He missed a lot of practices and did not bond with anyone. (sad to see him running by himself) The older kids (about seven kids) got into a habit of calling him "Shiffy" My son complained that it meant something derrogatory but he didn't know what it meant.

I didn't realize this until months later. If you look it up in Urban Dictionary.com Shiffy means shit faced. My 9th grade son doesn't even come close to anyone who might get buzzed or get high. The coach told my son to iust ignore this. This got under my son's skin, since he was running in the heat and his team mates were faster since they were older. He couldn't keep pace with them and he was eager for the begonning of school, when freshman would join the group.

How is my son different? During the summer and into the fall my son had a bad case of acne, especially on his nose. Mountain zits by mid July-October. We went to a dermatologist and it has been under control since October. Also, he lacks coordination. He had a vision problem that was undetected until he was ten where both eyes didn't always work in unison. He went through vision therapy for three months and finally he could write sentences without omitting valuable words by mistake. He fianlly could play sports with some level of competence. He had been isolated /rejected before that, since he was unable to ever make field goals aor baskets when he palyed sports. He did play b=ball at the Ymca all those years, and soccer, but he was bad.
In 2007 we moved to a new state for my husband's job. He attended a private religious school.

At the private religious school, my son made a loose friendship with a kid that had a mean streak at the private school. Thid's mom, a doctor, encouraged the friendship with my son, sending them to the same summer camps. Yet the kid never invited him to the house, yet we gave the kid a ride home from school. Then it became clear that the kid bullied my son. We reported it to the school but the school said that our son must report it. Then a kid on my son's lacrosse team shoved my kid to the floor in the locker room while he was getting dressed. I complained to the school but they met with other witnesses, who claimed my son was "overly sensitive. " The guidance counselor told the offensive kids "not to have any contact with my son". During the a month of school after I complained about the bullying no one would sit with my kid at lunch. I asked the guidance counselor to help and she convinced some kids to sit with my son at lunch for the last month of school. We had already announced that we would not return to the school.

Back to the present, the ninth grade public school cross country team ...One kid (the one he targeted for friendship, also new 9th grader and also new to the area) was rebuffing my son's attempts to hang out on the weekends. When this kid kept rejecting my son every weekend for about 4 weeks, I told my son stop trying to contact him. I told my son that this kid may have family problems and that I heard that his dad lives in a distant state while his mom just moved here with the five kids.

Fast forward about six weeks...One day the kids were sending texts to my son and I guess they were semi- rude. A few kids all sending texts to my one kid during the afternoon after returning from a meet. My kid must have felt as though they were attacking him, especially the "target friend." My kid lashed out and wrote obscene things to this kid. Saying "Say it to my face you P _ _ _ y." I am trying to piece it together but I think my kid sent texts back to this kid telling him a) to stop insulting my mom 2) your dad left you because of your stupidity. The kid sent text messages in return saying that he wanted to kill my son, that he had the eye hand coordination of a tree and that he wanted to meet before practice and kill my son.

That night I saw that texting was being done and not homework. At first my son was laughing at some of the texts and then he was getting agitated. He had tests the next day. I took away the phone. Usually my son doesn't get any texts from these kids, only from his cousin or his neighbiorhood friend. I began to suspect foul play. I grabbed the cell phone and saw this message:
"Yah like i rped ur mom last night. Lets go after practice so I can kill u sooner. "

I replied to the kid , using my son's cell phone, and said to "stop b4 I call the police. " He sent another message and I said "This is Mrs. ___, I just sent you what you sent us. Think about waht you sent. I thought you were a nice kid". I forwarded the coach this message ""Yah like i rped ur mom last night. Lets go after practice so I can kill u sooner. "" on his cell phone and sent an e-mail to him and to his mom. (Still do not have her phone number) . She replied saying she was very upset with her son but that I also had problems, since my son sent texts to her son with bad language. She was very mad tabout the fact that my son said that her husband had left the family "because of her son's stupidity." She said the whole team does not like my son. I requested that we speak by telephone so we could clear up ongoing misunderstandings. She did not reply.

The coach said he talked to the team and that the problem was not with the team but with our two sons. He talked to them both and said what happened was stupid. Fast forward about six weeks..

Last week this mean streak kid was talking about my son to the others in a loud voice, calling my son Shiffy over and over again. My son walked up to him and said "F. You". The mom wrote me an e-mail saying that she wanted "no contact between the boys" and that my son had gone up to her son and said "FU" to her son, even though her son "did nothing to my son. " I asked for the opportunity to meet with both boys and parents present and to clear up the "ongoing misunderstandings." I got no reply.

Yesterday, my son tried to ask the target kid why he had missed practice. The target kid said "F___ Off" and then palled around with the other kids. The other kids basically stopped talking to my son. They laughed and had fun.

My son was furious when I picke dhim up. He cried alot last night. He demanded that I send an e-mail to the mom of this kid.

This is the e-mail I sent:
When we met (name witheld) we were optimistic that (name witheld) could be friends with your son. We gave him rides to meets and we invited you and your family to our house when you first moved here.

Today there was a negative interaction among our sons. We wish for a different outcome. I do not agree with your current approach of cutting off communications. I would rather see peace. I want communications among team members. I want peace and respect. They are on the same team and they should all be able to speak to one another. Can we achieve this? Can we speak to each other rather than write e-mails? The e-mails are not working.

So, there you have it in a nutshell. The target kid has the friends that my son wants. There are o other kids on the team. The end of season event will be held at our house (just a lunch with pizza). I expect that the team will end up attending this event, but we will see.

I told my son to consider lacrosse but he wants to stay with track. He said he likes to run. I don't know what to do. When I get involved I make things worse. I hated writing the last e-mail last night, but my son was crying and was angry and he wanted me to do this.

I doubt you can help, but at least I have vented out this stuff. Sometimes it just feels better to vent. Thanks for reading all this stuff.

I need to a) make sure his acne is under control b)make sure his clothes seem normal c) make sure he does not explode form this tension and isolation.
If I hire a therapist it sneds the message that he is a mental case. Suggest this if you want, but I am not going to do this.

I am opne to your thoughts and suggestions, if you have any.

[Father_0f_7]

Yeah, I live in Florida too, I know how hot it can get.

If my son ever said that someone's dad left because of their stupidity I would understand why the other kids were picking on him and he would be severely punished...there is no excuse for saying something like that.

only thing I can tell you is the people who are picking on him are just insecure and hurting someone else makes them feel better.

I think at this point you should let him make his own decisions....maybe ask him why he wants these people as friends...but let him handle it. I know it's hard but you have done all you can and let him try and work it out on his own.

Second, I understand about you wanting his acne under control, but you dont have to "make sure his clothes seem normal", he should be able to wear whatever he wants.

[TCMG]

How would you punish him? Isn't it punishment enough that her kid is ganging up against my kid? That my kid has no one to spend time with? That no one calls. That no one is kind? That he is an outcast, again? Tears...

I know what he said was wrong, but it temporarily stopped the kid from picking on my kid for awhile.I am glad he said something cruel to this bully,although I didn't believe he was capapble of understanding what counter attack would be the cruelest. My son felt as though this kid was taunting him. He was in counter attack mode. He was the victim of bullying.

Now the mom is falsely accusing my son of taunting her son. The reality is that the kid has bullied my son and contimues to do so.

I must help my son. I am at a loss. My husband will lose his job and his parents are dying. Tears..

I am not sure what to do. ..

Here is the thread that just occurred:
[FONT='Times New Roman','serif']Terry,[/FONT]
There is no need to talk - or meet. It really is quite simple. Yes, when we met we thought a friendship would develop. Unfortunately, it did not. You and Mike need to let this go. Why are you making so much of this? Let it go!
Just so you know, since my last email, Mike has approached Derek twice asking "why did you tell your mom" .Today, Mike again approached Derek. Derek ignored Mike's condescending comments, then he said something like "are you going to tell your mom again".
Enough is enough. They are never going to be friends. Let it go!
Peace will come when Mike stops taunting Derek.
I will not hesitate to go to the next level if Mike chooses to continue antagonizing Derek.
I also do not appreciate you trying to insult me, my parenting or my family.
Dianne

I wrote:
When we met Derek we were optimistic that Mike could be friends with your son. We gave him rides to meets and we invited you and your family to our house when you first moved here.

Today there was a negative interaction among our sons. We wish for a different outcome. I do not agree with your current approach of cutting off communications. I would rather see peace. I want communications among team members. I want peace and respect. They are on the same team and they should all be able to speak to one another. Can we achieve this? Can we speak to each other rather than write e-mails? The e-mails are not working.


Sincerely
My name
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']There is no need to talk - or meet. It really is quite simple. Yes, when we met we thought a friendship would develop. Unfortunately, it did not. You and Mike need to let this go. Why are you making so much of this? Let it go!
Just so you know, since my last email, Mike has approached Derek twice asking "why did you tell your mom" .Today, Mike again approached Derek. Derek ignored Mike's condescending comments, then he said something like "are you going to tell your mom again". [/FONT]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif'][/FONT]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']My reply:[/FONT]
[FONT='Calibri','sans-serif']You misunderstand this situation. Things are not as you think they are. You are in my thoughts and orayers.
Peace be with you,

Enough is enough. They are never going to be friends. Let it go!
Peace will come when Mike stops taunting Derek.
I will not hesitate to go to the next level if Mike chooses to continue antagonizing ____(name withheld)I also do not appreciate you trying to insult me, my parenting or my family.



[/FONT]

[zeitgeist]

You see your son - Mike, is it? - as the victim in the situaton, but it sounds as though the other mothers and children all see him as the antagonist. If your kid is the victim of continuous bullying, why is he still trying to befriend his agressor?

I can't put my finger on it, but there's something that doesn't sit well about the story of the chain of events here. Is there some chance that you're not getting the whole story from him?

[Xero]

I'm a little confused, and I have to say it's hard to understand when I'm not there. It's very unfortunate when parents refuse to believe their kids are doing something wrong (the other kids mom is who I'm talking about). But I really don't know.

Honestly, the only thing I can come up with, is homeschooling. Some kids just can't seem to work things out at regular school, and I mean this is the second school that you've described him failing socially at... Sometimes in order to keep your kid from being bullied or getting stuck in bad situations year after year, you have to homeschool them. He can make friends if he finds them at other activities, but he wont be forced to deal with everyone that doesn't like him.

I'm sorry you have to go through this....

[Father_0f_7]

Homeschooling is an option...I think I would try and let my kids work it out and them after a week or two ask them if it was still going on and what they wanted to do.

And for the record, yes I would punish him. I would assume being bullied is hell...but in my personal opinion that doesnt give him the right to bully back. It just makes things worse.

[TCMG]

Guess what. My kid is OKAY! I was so worried and so stressed but last night and my son said he wanted to talk to me. He assured me things were OK. He spoke to me and told me how his day went and what he did and who he talked to. He is NOT relying on this kid for friendship and he will not say anything to this kid except friendly stuff. He knows something weird is happening in this kid's life. He feels sorry for him. He said this school is better than the last school. He talked about sitting with kids at lunch and joking around. He talked about being in gym class and playing basketball and laughing. He's making friends elsewhere.

I NOW must rethink everything and remind myself that this mom is a bully's mom. News flash! Bullies Lie! He has lied to his mom. She believes him. She is already faced with some other difficulties and it just may be too much for her. They moved from out of town but the dad is still in another state. She has five kids and is looking for a job.

When I wrote the initial e-mail to her, (let’s call her the Bully's mom) to let her know her kid had threatened my son's life (He explicitly said he would kill my son n a text message), her first reaction was silence. Odd, huh? She replied a few days later by writing something that sounded empathetic, but was anything but that. Her very first response was that she "thinks it is horrible and she does not know [FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']why[/FONT] the kids do not like my son" . The insinuation is that somehow, my bullied child provoked trouble and that people dislike him or her. She was discrediting me and my child. It's the old "deflect and redirect" strategy. There is never any excuse to threaten a child that you will kill that kid. Period. No excuse whatsover.

She hated it that I had already contacted the coach, and sent him irrefutable evidence that her child was an aggressor.

Now we must just have peace. We have role played at home what my son should do when/if he says things, like calling my son Shiffy. We tell him he MUST be imperturbable, like Barrack Obama was when he was bullied as a child in Kenya. He seems okay, for now. We will continue to keep up the communications.

When he is bad (says cruel things ) we will continue to punish him. Advice taken. We have said to him "let us not become that which we despise".

Thanks for all the opinions and help. I appreciate your kindness.

[Xero]

Great!! Good luck to you and your son then. It's an awesome when you can teach your kids good coping skills.