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Old 01-23-2009, 07:37 AM   #1
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Default my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

I don't know what to do. My daughter 12 year old daughter, I'll call her Zoe, became good friends with a girl, also her age, I'll call her Ash, this school year.

Ash dresses in all black and dyes her hair black also. She considers herself Emo, more than anything else. I don't really know what emo is, but I wouldn't consider her goth.

So time goes by and they start coming over to each other's houses. When Ash is here, I pretty much just stay in the shadows and let the girls do whatever they want to do... movies, Wii, etc. I'm not great with interacting with kids, so I let them alone, but do monitor them. Usually after Ash has been here, her mother will have Zoe over, pretty much right away, like the next night, rather than the next weekend.

Here's the problem. When Ash is here, the mother calls up to six times. I was not real sure why the mother was calling. If Ash doesn't answer her cell phone, the mom will call my house phone. Last weekend I found out why the mom was calling. She called the cell phone, and they put her on speakerphone and I listened in. The mom called to talk about petty drama! They went on for at least five minutes about some boy - some boy that she saw when she was out or something... not some boy that Ash has interest in or anything! Well, what's his hair look like? I swear she went on for two minutes about his hair. So Ash didn't know much about this boy, and said that Zoe knows more about him than she does. So my daughter gets on the phone and was explaining this boy to her. Anyway, the mom was trying to find out who this boy likes and is going out with! I told Zoe to get off the phone and not to play into this crap. After the phone call, Ash tells me that her mom knows more about her friends than she does.

The next morning the mom called and was questioning her daughter about when/why she was on her myspace... ok, the kid brings her own laptop along with her when she comes here... is she not supposed to be on there? No, the mom had just seen that the daughter was on there at some point and just made small talk about it.

Can this stuff not wait til Ash gets home? It's ridiculous and I'm sick and tired of my phone ringing when she's here. When I picked Zoe up from Ash's house one time, this was the only time I had ever seen the mom, the girls were upstairs with a very close in age step sister, and Ash giggled. The mom yells up the steps, "Ash, what are you laughing at?" What??!! It was three girls on the Wii... are they not allowed to laugh?

So last night Ash and Zoe had planned to go see a movie today after school. I would go pick up the kids and take them to the movie, it was all worked out. About 9:30 last night the mom calls. I get on the phone and she says, "Ash can't come over tomorrow (pause, and I say ok) because she told me to shut up." It wasn't the words she said, it was the way she said that... just like she was 12!!! Then I hear Ash in the background screaming and crying at the top of her lungs, some rustling, and the mom saying I have to go, and she hung up. I was pissed!!!! Who does that to their child? The phone call was obviously made in the heat of the moment in the middle of the fight. How ignorant to do that to your kid!!

So the phone rings again a few minutes later. I picked it up and she says, "Ash can't go tomorrow." I say, "look lady, this has got to stop..."
Mom - what did I do - in that same 12 year old tone like she was talking to her parents and trying to act all innocent
Me - How can you do that to your kid? I don't need to know why she can't come. My phone has got to stop ringing because my husband is in bed trying to sleep.
Mom - Sorry
Me - click

I really don't know what I said to her, but it was something along those lines. I know I told her the part about my husband sleeping and not needing to know why the kid can't come.

So here's my question... If Ash is ever allowed to come over again, how can I curb the phone calls?

I realized why the kid dresses in all black, I realized why the mom is so quick to have my daughter over... it's not to be generous and return the favor, it's to keep tabs on the kids and annoy them.

I feel like I should call the lady and try to get permission to let the kids go this afternoon. But how does one deal with a control freak? And how do I get the phone calls to tone down when the kid is here?
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Old 01-23-2009, 08:13 AM   #2
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

if you don't like the calls don't let the kid come over...you have no control over what she does with her child and really it's none of you business. It doesn't seem to me that the mother is actually doing anything wrong, maybe just parenting differently than you do
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Old 01-23-2009, 08:57 AM   #3
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

I have to agree with Fallon, if you can't handle it, the friendship really has only one place to go and that's nowhere. But I have to ask...how important is this friendship to your DD? If it is really important then you are going to have to suck it up...not what you want to hear I am sure.

As to the Emo look, it is everywhere right know, it's almost like being a prep years ago, or a Madonna wanna be. It use to "mean" something but not anymore.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:14 AM   #4
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

So you're saying that if I don't like the mother then my daughter shouldn't try to be friends with her? That doesn't make sense. I was more looking for a way to work it out rather than just throw in the towel. It's insulting to have the lady call my house when her daughter is here, like she's calling to check up on her... makes me feel not trustworthy or something. I've never had a parent so obsessively call their child while visiting us. Yes, to be concerned is a good thing, but to smother your child... well, that is her business, but it's not appreciated in my household.

My daughter seems to stick to one person each school year to be good enough friends with to have over. This year it's Ash. I'm supposed to tell her not to be friends with her? Nope, I won't do that... this kid is alright... it's the mother that isn't. So my daughter and Ash, for that matter, should be punnished for her mother's obsessive behavior? It's not making sense to me. Ash will resent her mother even more then. I feel like my house is almost a safe haven for the kid... even if the mom calls every other hour.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:18 AM   #5
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

if my daughter is at friends house I call at least once to check on her, why wouldn't I. Nobody is saying you shouldn't let your daughter be friends with her but you need to let this mother handle her own daughter as she sees fit. Either accept that the mother is going to call a lot or don't have the child in your home, that's really all you can do
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:27 AM   #6
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by bhappy3 View Post
So you're saying that if I don't like the mother then my daughter shouldn't try to be friends with her? That doesn't make sense. I was more looking for a way to work it out rather than just throw in the towel. It's insulting to have the lady call my house when her daughter is here, like she's calling to check up on her... makes me feel not trustworthy or something. I've never had a parent so obsessively call their child while visiting us. Yes, to be concerned is a good thing, but to smother your child... well, that is her business, but it's not appreciated in my household.

My daughter seems to stick to one person each school year to be good enough friends with to have over. This year it's Ash. I'm supposed to tell her not to be friends with her? Nope, I won't do that... this kid is alright... it's the mother that isn't. So my daughter and Ash, for that matter, should be punnished for her mother's obsessive behavior? It's not making sense to me. Ash will resent her mother even more then. I feel like my house is almost a safe haven for the kid... even if the mom calls every other hour.

I see fallon posted just I clicked on this, so I will repeat a little of what she said. I think you misunderstood, which is why I asked how important the friendship is.

You are left with 2 choices, deal with it, or the friendship has to end. The other mom can parent however she wants and you parent how you want, but it is her DD and if she want's to call her DD there really isn't anything you can do. Except suck it up.

I call my children all the time, and they are to call me whenever they are going from one place to another, plus they call me to say good night. I want to know where the are at all times...a little control freak...maybe...but they are my kids, that is my parenting style. Because I trust NO ONE with my kids, I respect the fact that 90% of the adults in thier lives are not going to let anything happen, but I will not be one of those people who later down the road go "well I really didn't know, I trusted??? to do the right thing". Now I have to admit the mom calling and asking stupid questions would get annoying, but what can you really do?

I have no clue how to fix it, I don't know that you can say anything without coming across as rude, cause nobody likes thier parenting style questioned.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:38 AM   #7
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

Nothing really more to say here...it's not your kid. The child's mother has the right to parent in her own way, and it's no one else's business to say otherwise. Either answer the phone every time she calls or don't have the kid over. Plain and simple.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:38 AM   #8
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

Quote:
"Ash, what are you laughing at?"
Maybe she was just curious to see what they were laughing at. My mom used to do that to us all the time, not like we "werent allowed to laugh"

Quote:
"Ash can't come over tomorrow"
Okay, big deal...it's her mother's choice where her child goes.

Quote:
because she told me to shut up
If any of my kids told me to shut up, they wouldnt be going anywhere for a week.
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:51 AM   #9
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

My daughter knows better than to say shut up to me as well. But some parents pick and choose when it's alright and when it isn't. That's when it's confusing for the kids. Last week when the mother called to find out about the boy, she had initially called to tell Ash that she was getting rid of her cat b/c it got in the cupboard and made a mess of somethingruther. The kid says, "mom, if you get rid of my cat I'll kill you." Ok, yes, not something you want to hear a kid say. But it's also a term that kids throw around. Ash said it in a whiney manner. I'm sure it's been said in the household before. The mom acted like the kid was serious and started whining and almost pleading for her life or something. It was pathetic.

True, I can't decide a parents style for raising their kid. That is their business, and not something I'm trying to change. What I want when Ash is here is a little peace and quiet. The kids don't appreciate her phone calls any more than I do, and I'm quite certain they'd appreciate it if I'd deflect the calls.

Well, since the dad is always the one to drop off the kid, if she ever comes back I guess I'll just talk to him about it because he seems equally annoyed. Men are much easier to talk to than women. I'll say something like,

I know it's not really my business, but is there some kind of condition that I should know about with the phone calls? Is she OCD? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to interpret her calling so frequently, as I've never come across someone like this before. And see where that leads me...
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Old 01-23-2009, 10:59 AM   #10
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Default Re: my daughter's friend's overbearing mother

Quote:
Originally Posted by bhappy3 View Post

Well, since the dad is always the one to drop off the kid, if she ever comes back I guess I'll just talk to him about it because he seems equally annoyed. Men are much easier to talk to than women. I'll say something like,

I know it's not really my business, but is there some kind of condition that I should know about with the phone calls? Is she OCD? I'm not sure how I'm supposed to interpret her calling so frequently, as I've never come across someone like this before. And see where that leads me...
I probably wouldn't take that approach. If you feel you MUST address the situation, I would probably be a bit more subtle. Like "Hey, does she have a cell phone that she can send along with her?" Something to disuade the communications off of your phone and onto another one.
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