In need of advice about 12 year old!

[dwt77]

We have had a real uphill battle this year with our 12 year old son. To give a bit of a back story... My wife and I have primary custody of him and his 9 year old brother. There have been a lot of issues in the past with their biological mother not being in the picture due to many problems she was having over the past 4 years. (Including drugs) But over the past year or so she has been in the picture more and more and now over the past 3 months they have been going over to her house for regular visits from Fri to Sunday. I don't feel that they are in "danger" at her house but the problem is that she is and always has been their friend more than a parent in my opinion. She is completely uninvolved in school related things and school has never been a huge priority with her even when they were with her in the past. Well now my 12 year old son believes he is 30 years old (going through typical changes of a kid that age.) and has now decided he wants to live with his mother. He has been slipping on school and increasingly being more and more disrespectful in his attitude and behavior. We don't demand that he gets straight A's and B's but we do expect that he actually does get his assignments from his teachers and do the work he is required to do! We also do not tolerate bad attitude like smarting off or acting disrespectful! I don't feel that I am asking too much! I just want him to do the work he is supposed to do and not talk to me like I'm a moron when I ask him simple questions like "Have you finished your homework?". But now he has expressed to his mother that he feels like he cannot communicate with us without getting in to trouble and he hates being here and basically he has told her that he wants to live with her. It seems pretty clear to me that with the lack of rules and responsbilities at mom's it is certainly a more appealing choice to be there and when I was a child I would have taken that route in a second if I could!
So should I respect his 12 year old feelings here and allow him to live with mom full time or should I hold my ground and force him to stay here even though he clearly does not want to be here with the horrible monsters that make him do homework? In my mind it is pretty clear that he needs structure and discipline and I have always tried my best to balance that with love and I am quick to tell him when he does a good job and reward that! I don't want to damage our relationship irreparably by forcing him to be here but if he goes to his moms he can pretty much do whatever he wants and she doesn't stay on him about school so I'm sure school would become a low priority for him there. What should I do?

(Sorry if this is a repost... I think I accidentally posted this in the wrong forum)

[bssage]

Sounds like a trick bag. Dammed if you do, dammed of you dont.

You probably have a better chance of getting this crap shoot correct than anyone else since you know everyone. But this is what I would do.

Sit down at the table, meeting time. Two sheets of paper, with two collums each. papers are labeled your home, Ex's home. With the collum headings benifits, negatives for each home. I would try and do this with him and let him be part of the process. He may have things that you did not think about. It an might also help him understand the logic behind your decision. He might have some negatives about your home that you can change or "quick fix".

I dont think you can have the perfict answer for this. IMHO the best you can hope for is keeping the risk of him going south at a minimum. Good luck

Try real hard to let him say his peice with judging. He might just talk himself out of it if you let him.

[Aunt]

This is tough! He may learn that living with another kid is not all it is cracked up to be when dinner consists of cereal for the 5th night in a row and he has to do his own washing. So it could be an idea to let him see if the grass is really greener. Or you could go with bassage's idea which is a good one.
regardless of this situation with mom it sounds like time for a family meeting anyway. Come up with ground rules together. One thing we instituted in my house when mine was getting a bit lippy was a swearing and attitude jar. After a hard day i can swear like a sailor!!!! One buck is deducted from her allowance for every time she back talks or rolls her eyes and i put a buck in for every undesirable word. Money goes to a charity of choice.

[bullystopper]

I am a mother of six and a stepmother of six--total of 12! Yikes. It is my experience that children placed in this situation of parent and step parent will try to play both parents to their advantage. I believe that children need firm rules and guidance. I also think that your step son needs some interaction with his real Mom as hard as it is--and believe me, I know! If you teach correct principles in your own home, he will be smart enough to realize the importance of getting good grades and being responsible. I think that the more you try to keep him away from his own mom, the more he will resent you. It is very difficult to talk positively about his Mom when there are negative feelings. Remember, though, that half of him is her, so you actually damage his self esteem by trash talking her. I know it is very hard but it will pay off in the long run! Good luck!