7yr old doesn't want to apply herself

[beckster]

I have been in a relationship with this guy for over 3 years. We decided to move in together this past spring and are even discussing marriage. I do not have children of my own, but he has a wonderful 7 yr old daughter, whom he shares time with her mother. I am aware that many of her problems come from Mom vs Dad. He has been asking me for ideas of how to handle her (which is why I am posting this). She is a sweet girl, but we are having trouble where she doesn't want to mind her own dad (he is stern with her, but he doesn't always want to be the bad guy). The problems we are experiencing are that she refuses to want to do things like brush her hair. That one little chore gets blown out of proportion and turns into a big argument between them. I used to stay out of it, but he is asking for help from me now. She will listen to me to some extent (sometimes more than him), and she will confide in me sometimes about what upsets her. I will say there is a definite problem of her mom saying things to her to affect her relationship with her dad. A big concern we have is that she barely passed the first grade and her second grade teacher has informed us that she is very concerned about the child. She has many tardies and missed days already (due to her mom), but her schoolwork is suffering greatly. She knows the material, but refuses to act like she does. For example, she is learning number sequences... She could tell me 5, 10, 15, 20 and so on, but when I ask her what would come after 15 she can't give me a logical answer. She cannot call items by their proper name... She wanted to dry her hands and could not come up with the word "towel", she kept asking for "that thing that dries". I know this is something complicated, but I am really hoping for some tips or books or something that her father and I could do to improve on at least some of these issues. He is going to court to fight for equal parenting time, we're hoping that we can work with her more to improve her grades. I know puberty is approaching and I would like to try to get somewhere before then.

[AmyBelle]

If she's having severe memory issues, such as not remembering what a towel is called there could be an underlying medical condition.

[kansas dad]

I'm a big joker, try to make things fun. My daugher is also 7 and she is very slow to get dressed in the morning, i'll wake her up with a wisper in the morning and tell her we're going to suprise mom with how fast she can get dressed , WE'RE GOING FOR THE WORLD RECORD!! Little games go a long way. As far as the learning problems - GOOGLE is your friend, you can find info on anything.

[May]

I think she need more encouragement. His father is stern with her maybe is good for her. Of cause he want her to be good! But normally kids think things in very streight way,you suggest she do like this, but she just don't want. How we can handle this kind of situiation?

Maybe you can comunicate with her dad first, both of you need to be paitent with her , give her encouragement even she only got very very small improving.

Do more daily comunicating with her. reading books together with her etc.

[just M]

Your situation reminded me a lot of how my daughter acted after her father caused and incident and I had to take a restraining order out against him.

I strongly encourage you to suggest family counseling for at least your boyfriend and his daughter. You could be involved after a while if the therapist thought it was needed.

Your boyfriend also needs to draw the lines and set the rules and leave them there. His letting his daughter get away with things and being loos-y goose-y with the rules only makes her feel less secure in her life. She needs him to be her father and step up to the plate and parent.

One of the things that helped my daughter was to create a reward system using gems as points for rewards. It also helped her to have her own therapist to talk to. The therapist is a family counselor and sees us both when needed. It made all the difference for us. The therapist is also a resource for me when I need another perspective on things.

I hope that helps you out!

[jdjmh]

AmyBelle, children very often forget the names of things and it is not due to any medical condition. the reason is that they haven't developed the reading/writing skills to always recognize the right name for something. once you are used to reading and writing words, it's much easier to remember them with context. both of my children (9 and 12) still do this from time to time but it has gotten better as their writing skills continue to develop. it's the same thing if you're not a native english speaker, would you say a person learning english who forgets the word for something has something wrong with them? of course not.

to the op, it sounds like she has started to give up on school a little here. she may have stopped trying because she realizes she isn't doing as well as she should be. i think getting her a tutor or putting her into a program like at sylvan learning center would help. have her read a lot at home and use flash cards with her for math and sight words. a child that has not developed a love for learning will not excel at school, so help her find the subjects she enjoys most and go from there. good luck, hope this helps.