adult parent and independence

[16th ave.]

how do you teach an adult parent independence?

the short of it---dad is terminal with numerous blood clots all over his body and in his brain. he's in-n-out of it, going from delirious to lucidity all through out the day. he's just waiting to die and could at any moment though he aint on life support. he's just being made comfortable 'cause that's all that can be done now.
my mom went from her parents' home to her sister's home to marrying my dad and has never had to depend on herself to live. she's always worked but there has always been someone there to decide what bills to pay and when, if/when to buy a car, what sort of budget for groceries, etc.
the family is offering support but most would take advantage of her if given the chance. some already have tried.
my mom is a tough ole lady and has no problem speaking her mind but when time comes for making serious decisions she's used to having a man make them all and is coming to hubby and still asking my dad when he's lucid and just seems to not know what to do.

so how can dh and i help her learn some independence without making her feel like we are pushing her away? we love her but she needs to be able to live the life of an adult and be able to make most decisions that come along with it on her own. how can we help her?
she not only has do grieve but also has learn how to take care of herself on her own.

[fallon]

how old is she?

[PaterFamilias]

Whew...that is a tough one, 16th.

Depending on how old your mother is, I'm not so sure it is possible to teach her independence at this age. You're dealing with (if she's as old as my mother) more than 70 years of patterned learning. If your mother is elderly, she may have neither the inclination nor the verve to learn independence at this age. After a certain age, people become more and more helpless as they get older because the world is so different to them than when they were young, and they haven't the physical energy or, hence, the exposure to the world to learn how to deal with those changes. I hate to say it, but it may be the case, at this point, that you and your family might need to change your own focus from trying to teach her independence to trying to deal with her loss of it. I hope that's not the case, but it may well be the reality at this point.

[IADad]

well, one way to be sure family doesn't rip her off is to put her assets in trust with some disinterested fiduciary (like a trust officer at a bank). They'd set up an allowance and she can go in to balance her check book etc. and they'd have to approve any extrordinary expenses. So, that would protect her, but not really teach her anything. You could just take event by event with her, you know setting up a budget, deciding on major purchases, understaning the difference between a CD and indian casino bingo...there might be elder services or a human service agency around, who might have some resources to help. Sometimes they want a third party to teach them so they don't have the embarrassment, sometimes they'd rather have family because the feel they can trust, depends on your mom.

[16th ave.]

my mom is 60 and my dad is 70. my mom is able bodied and works full time normally. she's just never been on her own before and is also dealing with grief while watching her husband slowly die and yet go on living. so she needs to learn how to set the budget and make sure certain bills are paid and when and all that sort of stuff. ya know--the things ya learn in the first year or two after h.s. graduation.

there's a half-sister who is a crackhead that's already done her best to talk my mom into letting her stay with her. the woman stays doped up and was only after the drugs in my mom's home.
then there's also my oldest brother (her son) who refuses to hold a job for more than a month or so at time that has always had my dad "take care" of his bills for him. he's tried to get my mom to let him move in with her b/c he's out of a job now and has no income. he has a habit of trying to boss everyone around and blowing up if they don't do as he says which he recently did with my mom. jumped all over her b/c he got upset with me.

my sister and other two brothers their spouses and us are trying to help her out as much as possible without her getting too dependent on us but not push her away. its important for her to be able to be a woman for once without someone else making her do things that she hasn't had a chance to think about.

the rest of my dad's kids don't even bother with any of us since they never liked my mom anyway.

a couple things that have happened to give ya an idea
the registration renewal came for the suv. she couldn't tell which of the "trucks" (we call the suv a truck since its as big as one) it was for and when it was due and how much was owed. she didn't know how to read it and didn't know which sticker is which on the suv. worried herself sick about it all day and needed help with it when she got home.
another is that when she needs gas in her truck (a real truck not an suv) she waits until she's home and asks for one of us to go put gas in it like she's scared to get gas.

its like she doesn't know what to do or when or how since there has always been someone there to make most of the decisions.
but physically--nah. it will hopefully be a loooong time before she's ready for a home. she danged sure aint worried or embarrassed about asking for help with something.

[16th ave.]

oh and we certainly don't look at her as elderly. she could hold her own in a fight if she had to.