Stay-at-Home Dad?

[River2Sea]

Good evening.

I am a father of a 20 months old boy with a second boy on the way (due early February). I live with the mother but we are not married. I lost my job in February 2009 and since then I have been working near full-time as a substitute school teacher; I have been otherwise very unsuccessful in finding meaningful employ.

I have fights about money with my partner. She is panicked at the idea of not being able to afford the $1,000 in monthly daycare expenses for two children if I do not find full-time employment in the coming months.

I offered that in the worst of cases, if I still do not find adequate work I could, as a temporary solution, become a stay-at-home dad with the children, while attempting to gain some form of income by giving private lessons in the evenings and weekends. Her response was very negative, and she informed me that her solution will be to split up and sue for child support since she finds the solution unacceptable. She seemed very threatened by my proposal. This would only be an emergency solution. She is not very happy in her job, and this has something to do in her reaction.

Is there a way I could bring it up with her, any arguments I could use without getting her upset? Especially for the women, what do you think about the arrangement? Does it threaten your role as a mother?

[Father_0f_7]

gain some form of income by giving private lessons in the evenings and weekends.

I dont really know what to say as I dont know how your financial situation was before you lost your job, or how it is now but I would like to ask what type of lessons you would be providing. And is she right? Would you gain enough to keep up with bills?

[Choppy]

Obviously I don't know anything about your relationship other than what you've said, but it sounds to me like she may not trust you in defining the situation as temporary and that she is perhaps a little afraid that it might become permanent.

Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with the idea of stay-at-home dads. She probably doesn't either, but I think there's a big difference between choosing/planning that scenario, and feeling like she's being forced into it.

[bssage]

You have seem to have taken a very appropriate first step. It sounds like your approach may have been a bit flawed.

I agree you need advise from some of the moms here. But her is my bit.

You need to do you best to have her reach a mutually agreed upon conclusion with you. I wouldn't approach it as a "stay at home dad" unless marriage is already agreed upon.

Taking the worse case scenario and moving on from there is one of the foundations of Dale Carnegie. Once you have done that, it can only get better. This is what you IMHO have done correctly.

In order for this to be succesful this should be done with the person you are attempting to unfluence. It needs to be her idea at least as much as yours.

If you have no immediate plans to marry these are some of the things to be considered.

primary care is expensive.

Finding someone you trust and who is on the same page as you can be scary.

Are there tax concessions made for a stay at home caregiver in your state?

How can making you get a lawyer (don't be a fool) and go to court generate any money in the immediate future? Or otherwise improve the quality of life for her children?

Sit together write it down. Don't, Don't try and work it out separately. IMHO this has to be done together. I think its OK for you to have a plan for your own employment. But that is just your piece of the puzzle. The puzzle needs to be a team effort.

Parenting, Care giving, Living in the same household, Are all team sports. Without that, its going to be uphill all directions.


I suspect there may be other issues here. If that is the case more info is needed

[Xero]

I don't think I'd appreciate a relationship with someone who at the drop of a dime threatened me with leaving and sucking child support out of me.

[IADad]

Originally Posted by River2Sea

Is there a way I could bring it up with her, any arguments I could use without getting her upset?

You did say she's a woman, right?

Sorry, couldn't resist....

Seriously - while I find her attitude more than a little alarming, I think there's some basis to her reaction. I'm guessing she see's not "exit strategy" to your saty at home dad idea. I think the SAHD thing only works when you have a mom, who's being compensated reasonably well, and at least likes her job.

One question - and not taking sides here, since you're willing to work evenings, why aren't you doing so on top of your substitute gig? A lot of in - roads to permanent jobs come from temporary jobs and part time - people hir people they like, so giving more people a chance to discuover your qualities can't hurt. I'm assuming you aren't limiting yourself to teaching jobs.....