Need some advice...feeling like an unfair mom

[ZoeBlue]

When I had my got pregnant with my son I was 21 years old, in college with no parnter and no support. I moved back home with my parents and my idea of what I needed to do for the baby was keep him clean and fed. I was preoccupied with boys, shool, work, friends...I loved him but just wasn't ready for him. I was selfish. He spent far too much time with babysitters and in daycare so I could work and finish my college degree and have a social life. I loved him but I was not a great mom.

Now I am 30 and remarried to a wonderful man and we had a baby girl last spring (planned). She has everything her brother didn't. I stay here with her every day. My idea of what she needs is not just keeping her clean and fed. It's more than that. It's connecting with her, it's playing with her, it's getting down on the floor with her and showing her my undivided attention. It's being present, 24-7. I have a bond with her already that it took years to develop with my son.

I know I was younger when I had my boy, but I feel terrible. Zoe is being raised in a much better way. She is not dropped off with strangers while mommy goes to class or to a party. Mom is always here. Mom is always interested and mom is always present. Her brother never had that.

I am afraid I am setting my older son up for resentment and anger because of the different ways they are being treated. I'm not sure how to deal with this. Anyone else have ideas, or experience with this? Thanks.

[Dadu2004]

The only thing that you can do is deal with the relationship that you have with him now. Keep bonding and improving it. There's nothing that you can do to change the past...clearly you were a different person then. So, don't beat yourself up over it.

[ZoeBlue]

Thanks Dadu2004. I am really worried that my son feels he is getting the short end of the stick though. I worry this is going to turn to resememt which causes him to act out in a few years when he is a teenager. I was raised in a similar situation although much worse. My mom had me when she was a teenager and I was fairly healily abused. She told me regularly she wished I hadn't been born. When she was 29/30 she had my brother and it was like night and day. He is still a mamma's boy. Her relationship with me is vastly different than hers with him. I know better than to treat my older child this way, but I am afraid some of these feelings may unintentionally rub off on him and what can I do to prevent this?

[IADad]

congrats to you for recognizing this. It take a lot of guts to step up and say "I was not a good mom." and then want to do something about it.

My only suggestion is to be sure you have some one on one time with DS. Scheduled sacred time that's from for him and you. Whether you go to the mall, have dinner, hang out at a park, make it a top priority to have that time with him. Be sure he know what a blessing he is. Don't delve back into what you've done wrong, you know that, you've recognized it just be there for him, and that's going to mean prying yourself up off the floor from DD and letting dad take that time solo. Acknowledge that you relationship is going to be different, of course it's different. I think every parent has a different relationship with each of their children and that's part of the wonderfulness that makes them unique.

[ZoeBlue]

Thanks IAdad. I try to be concious of not spending all my time with the baby and focusing on her. I tell him every day how special he is to me and how much I love him. Money is tight, but we manage to get away once a month or so to go to the beach, visit the space museum (which he LOVES), go to his pick of lunch, just the two of us. I get him little gifts and pocket money that obviously his baby sister doesn't get. I just want him to know that she is not "replacing" him in any way. But you know how kids can be, especially sensitive ones. My son is extremely sensitive. Recently he stopped talking to me when he is upset and even going so far as calling mu husband at work to complain about me when he thinks I am not paying him enough attention instead of just talking to me about it. I don't know what to make of this. I am always open for coversation, I do not get upset easily and I like to listen and talk things through with him. I am really confused right now.

[bssage]

This may sound like a broken record to some of you.

IMHO let him read your post (or write one for him). Sometimes it is better to write things down. You don't get interrupted, Can be more concise, and are better able to paint your minds picture using the written word. Your post is such that it would be hard not to empathize with it. Your regret is clear. And you wish to do better well defined.

All of the help you are asking for is in your OP. Then I think you have to move on.

I think it would be a mistake to allow your guilt to guide you forward.

Guilt, Shame, Remorse are for looking back. Not looking ahead.

[Xero]

I agree with what has been said. Yeah, its sad the way things went down when he was little and its sad that his sister will have things much different than he did and he'll probably know it, but you can still make up for lost time. Do your best to let him know that you care about him as much as you clearly do and like others said, keep emphasis on the one on one time. Don't focus on the baby too much, because he is still your first baby. Just show him you care, and he'll know. When he's older, you can explain it to him better and apologize better, but I don't think at this age that he'd really understand if you tried to lay it out like this for him. It might even hurt his feelings at this age if you pointed all of this out to him. It will probably just have to be a subconcious thing for you. Always remind him how much he means to you and how much you love him, and always be there for him. Its all any of us can really do for our kids. None of us are perfect parents, none of us can do it all right. We're only human. Feeling guilty wont change anything. You know what happened, and you regret it, but you can't change it. I'm sure if you do your best to have a relationship with him, he'll always know how much you cared about being close to him in the longrun and that's most important. Hope you feel better.

Edit: Oh, and about him being sensitive and calling up step-dad to complain and everything like that, I'm sure its just a little jealousy towards sister and his way of looking for extra attention and that is COMPLETELY and utterly normal for any kid with a new sibling!! Just give it time.

[singledad]

Originally Posted by ZoeBlue

I was raised in a similar situation although much worse. My mom had me when she was a teenager and I was fairly healily abused. She told me regularly she wished I hadn't been born. When she was 29/30 she had my brother and it was like night and day. He is still a mamma's boy. Her relationship with me is vastly different than hers with him. I know better than to treat my older child this way, but I am afraid some of these feelings may unintentionally rub off on him and what can I do to prevent this?

You are not your mom. If you were, you wouldn't be on here asking for advice about this. Others have given you some good advice in this thread, so I won't repeat it.

Try to think about this... if your mother had made sure that you knew that she loved you, if she didn't say those horrible things to you and abused you, would you still resent your brother? Do you feel the way you do because your mother treated him better, or because she never treated you the way she should have? See- the difference is that unlike her, you recognise your mistakes, and are prepared to make up for them. If insanity is to repeat the same action and expect a different result, can't we turn that around and say that doing something different and expecting the same result, doesn't make a lot of sense either?

For the record, my parents wouldn't win any awards either, so I understand your fear. Its frightening when you see your parents in yourself, and you look at your child and wonder if they'll grow up looking at you the way you look at your own parents. But if you think carefully, you know what not to do, so you won't repeat the cycle.

Originally Posted by bssage

Guilt, Shame, Remorse are for looking back. Not looking ahead.

Amen to that. We all screw up - that's called being human. Its no use going through life beating yourself up about it. Take what you've learned from your mistakes, draw a line in the sand and start over.

[IADad]

I'm going to disagree slightly with Bryan, I don't think you should let him read your post, at least not the part about you feeling guilty. Yes, it's okay for him to know that your concerned, that you don't want him to feel neglected and you don't want to inadvertantly neglect him. I agree that it's okay to let him know your concern and even to let him know you're not perfect, but I'd hold off letting him into too much of your feelings about the past, for the same reasons everyone's (including Bryan) said.

Your time dedicated to him, doesn't have to involve any money at all, go for a drive, walk to a park, have a game night, just with him. IMHO, once a month is too infrequent. Once a week will keep a lasting impression going. Maybe you do something extra special once a month like you said, but I don't think that's a replacement for weekly one on one time.

[ZoeBlue]

I talked this over with my husband, and we agreed that my son and I need a day that is just for us once a week. We picked Sundays. Whatever he wants to do, just the two of us. I think that will give us an opportunity to stay close, for him to feel important, and for me to get a break away from the house and the constant caring for an infant. Thank you so much for all your advice here!! This is a tough time, it's great when others have been through it or are going through it and can share their wisdome. Thank you everyone!