Going on holiday, not taking daughter, how to tell her?

[JimmieHowe]

I am the main carer, well currently the only carer, of my 9yo daughter. My girlfriend whom I have been with for 9months and known for around a year beforehand is taking me to Queensland in May this year for 7 days. We debated whether to take my daughter along also, and finally came to the conclusion not to, after speaking to both of our parents about it. I love my daughter to bits, but she has no appreciation or respect for anything at all, nothing is ever good enough. We have spent entire days doing things with her, going to movies, events, carnivals, the beach etc just to have her ask "Is this all we're doing?" or get upset because we can't buy her a certain thing, when we've just spent $100 on the day's outing. She operates at a million miles an hour, everything she does only takes up to a few minutes, even colouring a picture or making a special card, and then she's bored again, and any parent would know what boredom results in.
My point is, if we took her with us, the whole trip would become about her, keeping her happy, which we know we will fail to do because of the way she is, my girlfriend will have spent thousands of dollars just to feel it's not appreciated one bit, we'll get stressed out with her and it won't feel like a holiday at all, effectively defeating the purpose. Both mine and my girlfriend's parents think we need to get away alone for a while, have some time to ourselves, also because we never get to spend time alone without my daughter, and the break would do all of us good. It will give me time to destress and come back and attack issues between my daughter and I in a more positive and therefore effective manner.

Sorry about the long intro to get to my point of this post ...
My problem is, how do I tell my 9yo daughter we're going away on holiday, but sorry you can't come?

[bssage]

I agree with your parents.

Is she OK with overnights at your parents?

If you tell her its about her behavior its opening the door to begging and false promises.

If you explain that it wouldn't be fair to your girlfriend she will likely resent that and will also be a problem.

If possible I would paint the picture that if she is good she can spend a week at the grandparents like a little vacation for her. Maybe have some things they could do, or visit. Try and build enthusiasm. I am not recommending lying. Just leave part of the story out until the right time.

When you do explain that your going to take a little trip explain its an adult event. Very boring stuff for 9 yr old kids. I would keep the girlfriend out of the conversation as much as possible without lying.

Now if she doesn't like going to the grandparents then its a whole other story. I would have to rethink my answer.

Whats the story with "Mom"? has she been bad or something that would preclude her from covering for a week?

One more thing is to make sure your in the proper state of mind before you have the talk. Kids are like dogs, and can sense your fear.

IMHO

[JimmieHowe]

Her mum had her after we broke up, and it wasn't a very good situation there. The tv/dvd player was a permanent babysitter, when the kids weren't at daycare (my ex has 3 other children, Cat & 1 other are mine) and any time they bothered their mum they were told to "shutup and f... off" etc and from what I can gather my daughter Cat gets a lot of the blame when the kids fight or something is done wrong. In 2008 my ex said to me "If you don't take this ... kid, I'm taking her to welfare." Since then, her mum has only seen her when I've managed to get hold of her and said spend some time with your daughter, and even then she either spends an hour or two with her before shipping her off to a friend's or relative's house for the remainder of her visit, or within 1 - 4hours of Cat arriving, her mum is ringing me saying Cat's out of control, kicking screaming being violent and breaking things and I have to come and get her RIGHT NOW. It is never a good experience when she goes to her mother's house, and nearly always comes home in tears. One time I heard that a certain friend's house she stayed at, the parent would give the kids some kind of 'medicine' to make them go to sleep. Call me paranoid, but how do I know these people aren't doing something to them after they've effectively drugged them??
There is many other things associated with her mum that would take too long to write, but which have led me to the point of ceasing all contact between my daughter and her mother now.

The grandparents ...
Well, I live with my dad and his partner, his partner has 2 school age boys also and so we help each other out getting to school and back. My daughter absolutely adores "nan and pop" and Dad is a strong believer in attending school. The trip would be during schooltime which is one reason he said she should stay. Obviously dad's is where my daughter lives also, so the only thing that would change for her is that for a few days I won't be there.
My girlfriend's parents are awesome and my daughter likes them too, and we're currently in the process of having my daughter spend more time there by herself working towards an overnight stay.

I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill with all this. I just know I've made a lot of mistakes in a lot of areas when it comes to my daughter and I'm having a real rough time at the moment with things, and don't want to go making any more mistakes.

She has already shown resentment to my girlfriend at one point. I found a diary of sorts and she'd written a few things about how she doesn't like her That hurt, but kids are kids I guess. What gets me about her not liking my girlfriend is that I am unemployed, and if it wasn't for my fulltime employed girlfriend, Cat wouldn't have hardly any toys or clothes, and definitely wouldn't get to go any of the places she has, like the zoo, museum, movies, dinner, or have the awesome birthday party she just had. If she had a problem with anyone you would think it would be me! I'm the one that says "No you can't ring your mum" I'm the one that says "I can't afford to buy you that" I'm the one that disciplines her etc ... I really don't understand kids one bit lol.

I'm rambling too much again :S Sorry.

The only problem with telling her it's an adult thing and very boring for kids, is she is very smart, smarter than me a lot of the time :S She'd say something like "How can it be boring? You're going on a holiday. Won't you be staying in a hotel? And going out doing things? Going to movies or dinner?" etc ... We've all 3 of us stayed in a hotel a couple of times so she knows the general way of things lol.

[bssage]

I was just curious the status of your ex. She was bad would suffice if you dont feel comfortable.

I think my Op is ok with the exception of swap out the importance of school instead of the "Adult" stuff.

I also think that your DD (dear daughter) having resentment toward your girlfriend is pretty common. I would suggest a new thread and involve some of the girls here to make suggestion how to lesson the impact of that situation.

And I dont think your making a "mountain out of a molehill" Its good to have a plan. especially with pre-teens and teens

IMHO

[JimmieHowe]

Yeah school commitments might be the way to go I think. Thanx for all your advice

[Xero]

I agree with everything bssage said. I agree with not taking her, and I think sometimes even though kids don't like things they have to happen anyway. You're not doing anything wrong by taking time out for yourself. I would definitely just focus on the fact that she can't go away from school for that long, and I think that's a valid enough answer. If she argues, tell her you're sorry and that school is very important. You could even tell her that sometimes parents do things without their kids, and its not because they don't love them its just because its nice to have a change just like how she enjoys going to a friend's house to spend the night where dad isn't going to be. You can make the call, but I think she might possibly be able to relate with sometimes doing things without your family.

[IADad]

Yeah, I agree with Bryan. I think the message is simple. Not evereyone is included in every activity, that's the way it is in life. She gets special things, you are having this special thing. oh and BTW, it would somflict with school, so even if you wanted to include her it doesn't make sense.

Reading between the lines, iit seems like you are realizing that the "me-me-me" attitude needs to start changing and fast..."No"'s not a bad word, just a hard one to use sometimes.

[Aunt]

I agree with everyone on what to do about the holiday. As to her not liking gf look at it from her perspective. Her main female role model does not like or want her and makes her cry. Also she had your undivided attention before this girlfriend came along. So what she knows about adult women is that they are mean and that they are competition for the attention of her dad. If you were her you would be distrustful. I would go to the holiday and recharge. Then i would make a point of doing something just with her that is fun but that requires little to no money. If she asks for something that costs calmly say not today. If she persists tell her that these things are special treats that most people can only afford sometimes. keep doing this for a while.
good luck with it all

[justme36]

I am brand new around here BUT I also have a 9 year old who is the light of my life BUT in many ways acts like your daughter (from your explanation). She is VERY unaware of $$ spent (money we do not have in most cases) just to make her happy or to "create" memories.
We have a somewhat unhealthy relationship because we are ALWAYS together and I wouldn't dream of doing anything vacation related without her.
Hubby and I have "issues" so we spend little to no time together and I am 100% dedicated to my kids.

I guess I have no advice for you, just wanted to let you know your not alone here.
Crazy how we let our CHILDREN make us feel. Some time I wonder if I am the crazy one for living for them or if others are selfish for not giving 100% to there kids.

I wish you the best and a fun trip!