Hi all, first post here. For starters, I am personally not a parent, but my girlfriend (I will refer to her as Katrina for anonymity) is and she (read: we're) having some real problems with her 25yo son (I'll refer to him as Sebastian). She also has a 27yo daughter who has her life together, but Sebastian is enough of a problem that I'm reaching out online to get advice and insight.
Sebastian is 25, about to turn 26. He has a son (let's call him Willy) who is turning 2 in a few days. Sebastian has split custody of Willy. He has his high school equivalency, but nothing more in the way of education. I met Katrina in April and at the time, Sebastian was living at home with her and so was his friend, who was supposed to be a roommate who would pay rent.
To say that his friend was a complete slob is an understatement. Sebastian lost his driver's license before I met Katrina for a 4th infraction in a 12-month period, but he and the friend worked together so they rode together. I sold my house and moved in around Thanksgiving, which is when the friend was asked to leave. He did not pay his last two months' rent, so he left Katrina behind financially. I did well with my house selling, so I've been paying my part with bills, groceries, etc.
Sebastian and I get along fine, but this kid is on my last nerve. His job ended in October or so, but he hasn't had a license or running car, so he hasn't had a job. After Christmas, Katrina added him to her insurance, which costs an extra $350/mo for the first year. I paid all of his court fees, repaired his car, and have been driving him two hours away to pick up and drop off his son every two weeks. I've bought clothes for his son and always seem to be getting them meals while we're out. He sits in his room and plays Xbox all the time and does NOTHING around the house. He doesn't clean, or pick up the horrific mess his son creates, and leaves dirty dishes all over the place. He has no money of his own and collectively, we pay for his food and any other bills, plus all expenses for his own son.
Every time Katrina mentions him looking for a job, he gets mad and storms off. He tells her he's going to look for a job, then brags to me about going all over town with his friends and stuff. So he's clearly not looking for a job.
In the past two months, I'm sure I've dropped probably $1,500+ in gas, food, clothes, court fees, car parts, etc on Sebastian and his son, yet he has refused to contribute to anything. He brags about how good he is on Xbox, he brags about driving around without his headlights on because the moon was bright, and all kinds of childish nonsense that you would expect from a 16yo.
Katrina can't afford an extra $350/mo in car insurance so she's going to have to cancel it soon. He knows he needs to get a job to pay for it, but he's making zero effort to get one. He brags about his old job where he was the man and trained everyone, but they won't hire him on, because if they would, he'd have a job there.
I'm on my last thread of patience with him. I'm sick and tired of supporting him if he's not going to even try to get a job. I work from home but there are times he pops in and expects me to babysit for him while he hangs out with his friends. His excuse is usually, "Well so and so is already on the way over here, so I kind of have to go." Because clearly it's more acceptable to inconvenience me or Katrina (on her days off) than a buddy who lives less than ten minutes away.
The only reason Katrina has tolerated him is because she loves her grandson, Willy. And I think Sebastian knows that and leverages him so he has a place to stay along with free internet and cable, free food, free whatever. Which is pathetic at best. He keeps saying that he's afraid he won't get to spend much time with Willy if he has a job, but he's just using him as an excuse to not work.
Any advice? Sebastian has no respect for his mother and has even bragged to his friends that the only reason she got approved for her mortgage was because of HIS credit. The audacity of this kid is unbelievable, and Katrina and I have even discussed the possibility of some screws being loose upstairs.
For example, we were trying to clear out the guest room on Tuesday so Willy can have his own room. We got some of it done, but Katrina had to work on Wednesday, so Sebastian and I decided we would finish up Wednesday morning before leaving to pick up Willy from his mom. I got up early and went to Home Depot to grab some things. I'm back at the house, scrambling to finish the room, and Sebastian wakes up, tells me some stupid story about his friend waking him up, then his friend comes over and they sit there at the table watching me run back and forth, getting tools from the garage and stuff. Simply put, he is incredibly lazy, entitled, and inconsiderate, and has no life skills. And right now we're beyond frustrated. He's keeping me from being able to work at full capacity and he's a massive financial drain.
Our plan right now is for Katrina to attempt to have a mature conversation with him and tell him that the two of us cannot support him if he's not working and that the wireless password is being changed once Willy goes back to his mom's. I paid for his court fees and registration and Katrina is paying his insurance. So until he has a job, no Xbox. And he thinks he'll become a millionaire playing video games, which is absurd.
Katrina won't kick him out because A) She doesn't want him to go to prison, which is probably what would happen, and B) She'll never get to see her grandson. But I've recommended an attempt at a talk with him without me present and regardless of how he handles it, the ultimatum stays. As long as he's jobless, no internet. And he continually brags about how awesome he is at different jobs and how so many jobs are so easy. So...getting a job shouldn't be that difficult around here.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm too old to really relate to him, I just turned 32. He's almost 26, so there is not a significant age differential here. I can relate to him well enough to see his plight as well as the fact that some type of intervention is fully necessary at this point.
I know that was a lot of reading, so my apologies for that, but I feel this type of thing requires one to be thorough in setting the stage. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
Sebastian is 25, about to turn 26. He has a son (let's call him Willy) who is turning 2 in a few days. Sebastian has split custody of Willy. He has his high school equivalency, but nothing more in the way of education. I met Katrina in April and at the time, Sebastian was living at home with her and so was his friend, who was supposed to be a roommate who would pay rent.
To say that his friend was a complete slob is an understatement. Sebastian lost his driver's license before I met Katrina for a 4th infraction in a 12-month period, but he and the friend worked together so they rode together. I sold my house and moved in around Thanksgiving, which is when the friend was asked to leave. He did not pay his last two months' rent, so he left Katrina behind financially. I did well with my house selling, so I've been paying my part with bills, groceries, etc.
Sebastian and I get along fine, but this kid is on my last nerve. His job ended in October or so, but he hasn't had a license or running car, so he hasn't had a job. After Christmas, Katrina added him to her insurance, which costs an extra $350/mo for the first year. I paid all of his court fees, repaired his car, and have been driving him two hours away to pick up and drop off his son every two weeks. I've bought clothes for his son and always seem to be getting them meals while we're out. He sits in his room and plays Xbox all the time and does NOTHING around the house. He doesn't clean, or pick up the horrific mess his son creates, and leaves dirty dishes all over the place. He has no money of his own and collectively, we pay for his food and any other bills, plus all expenses for his own son.
Every time Katrina mentions him looking for a job, he gets mad and storms off. He tells her he's going to look for a job, then brags to me about going all over town with his friends and stuff. So he's clearly not looking for a job.
In the past two months, I'm sure I've dropped probably $1,500+ in gas, food, clothes, court fees, car parts, etc on Sebastian and his son, yet he has refused to contribute to anything. He brags about how good he is on Xbox, he brags about driving around without his headlights on because the moon was bright, and all kinds of childish nonsense that you would expect from a 16yo.
Katrina can't afford an extra $350/mo in car insurance so she's going to have to cancel it soon. He knows he needs to get a job to pay for it, but he's making zero effort to get one. He brags about his old job where he was the man and trained everyone, but they won't hire him on, because if they would, he'd have a job there.
I'm on my last thread of patience with him. I'm sick and tired of supporting him if he's not going to even try to get a job. I work from home but there are times he pops in and expects me to babysit for him while he hangs out with his friends. His excuse is usually, "Well so and so is already on the way over here, so I kind of have to go." Because clearly it's more acceptable to inconvenience me or Katrina (on her days off) than a buddy who lives less than ten minutes away.
The only reason Katrina has tolerated him is because she loves her grandson, Willy. And I think Sebastian knows that and leverages him so he has a place to stay along with free internet and cable, free food, free whatever. Which is pathetic at best. He keeps saying that he's afraid he won't get to spend much time with Willy if he has a job, but he's just using him as an excuse to not work.
Any advice? Sebastian has no respect for his mother and has even bragged to his friends that the only reason she got approved for her mortgage was because of HIS credit. The audacity of this kid is unbelievable, and Katrina and I have even discussed the possibility of some screws being loose upstairs.
For example, we were trying to clear out the guest room on Tuesday so Willy can have his own room. We got some of it done, but Katrina had to work on Wednesday, so Sebastian and I decided we would finish up Wednesday morning before leaving to pick up Willy from his mom. I got up early and went to Home Depot to grab some things. I'm back at the house, scrambling to finish the room, and Sebastian wakes up, tells me some stupid story about his friend waking him up, then his friend comes over and they sit there at the table watching me run back and forth, getting tools from the garage and stuff. Simply put, he is incredibly lazy, entitled, and inconsiderate, and has no life skills. And right now we're beyond frustrated. He's keeping me from being able to work at full capacity and he's a massive financial drain.
Our plan right now is for Katrina to attempt to have a mature conversation with him and tell him that the two of us cannot support him if he's not working and that the wireless password is being changed once Willy goes back to his mom's. I paid for his court fees and registration and Katrina is paying his insurance. So until he has a job, no Xbox. And he thinks he'll become a millionaire playing video games, which is absurd.
Katrina won't kick him out because A) She doesn't want him to go to prison, which is probably what would happen, and B) She'll never get to see her grandson. But I've recommended an attempt at a talk with him without me present and regardless of how he handles it, the ultimatum stays. As long as he's jobless, no internet. And he continually brags about how awesome he is at different jobs and how so many jobs are so easy. So...getting a job shouldn't be that difficult around here.
Before anyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm too old to really relate to him, I just turned 32. He's almost 26, so there is not a significant age differential here. I can relate to him well enough to see his plight as well as the fact that some type of intervention is fully necessary at this point.
I know that was a lot of reading, so my apologies for that, but I feel this type of thing requires one to be thorough in setting the stage. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give.
