1st Christmas - Parents/In-Laws...

[bworthey]

So, this will be our first Christmas with our little girl and we have both sets of parents coming to our house for the festivities. To save on length/details, I'll just say that how my wife and I did things on Christmas eve/Christmas in regards to opening gifts, santa and all was different and now we are trying to blend the two together. So that's my first question - how did you other parents do that? Secondly, I'm catching flack from my mom about that's not how "we" do it and what about "our" traditions - because what I told her isn't exactly how my family did things growing up. I basically told my mom that the our in the situation was me and my wife and that's all that mattered right now (lot's of history here, so if that seems harsh, sorry). Anyone else been in similar situation and have any advice?

Thanks!

 

[GavinH]

I went through a similar issue with my in(out)laws and my immediate family. I let everyone know that we were special and unique enough to start a new blended tradition and they were welcome to stay if they could keep their opinion to themselves.

 

[NancyM]

Hi BWorthy

I'm Nancy and have a 20 yr old son.

Growing up at my house, we opened gifts on Christmas morning. Just because I think my parents were exhausted on Christmas Eve. I remember waking up as early as possible and everyone else (7 children) all opening gifts like crazy. lol Great memories and so much happiness.

My family is way less formal than my out-laws today. But my in-laws opened gifts on Christmas morning as well, so we don't have that type of conflict. We had to visit both sets of parents every Christmas (and every holiday.)..and my son would open gifts from them at their homes when we got there.

You have to do what works for your family. And you both have to stick together when one side of the family has something to say about the way your or your wife do things. I think the way your doing it is great and no one should complain or make negative comments about it.

Keep smiling because " You can't pick your realitives" and they DON'T go away, especially in-laws . lol :biglaugh:

 

[bssage]

Kinda a similar situation. This is the way I handled it.

"We would like to have you over to spend the holiday with us so that you we can enjoy the kids together. This is what we plan to do." I.E: A few teaser gifts in the evening and Santa stuff when they wake in the morning. Or whatever your plan is.

If the response is anything other than OK simply repeat the last paragraph. And <U>repeat again as necessary</U>. I would avoid back and forth debates about the details. A simple smile and "this is what we agreed upon" Pleasant with a smile. <U>Likely to be repeated often. </U>

Also we tried to incorporate a couple of small things that had meaning to both families. For example: My mom was a tinsel person. Wife is not. Mom was anal about only using three pieces of tinsel per branch. We would have one branch on the tree that had three pieces of tinsel just for her. Not a big deal but it meant alot to her that we took the time to think of her putting the tree together.

Possibly remind everyone one of the best parts of the holiday is everyone remembering holidays past and telling stories. If we all had the same stories it would get boring fast.

I recommend being kind and assertive right out of the gate. A tentative aproach may open the door for debate and potential hard feelings that is not good for anyone.

 

[mom2many]

Holidays are always hard for this reason. Trying to blend two families that do thing differently is not easy.

I agree with Bssage, find middle ground and incorporate your own idea's of what you want Christmas to be in your house.

 

[bworthey]

Well - the main problem is between me and my mom. Okay - a little more detail: my family did all of our presents Christmas eve and then had "santa" presents Christmas morning when I got up. My wife's family did everything Christmas morning. So I guess I'm trying to figure out what would be the middle ground. My wife and I aren't so much arguing about it. It's me and my mom - I don't know what my wife's parents are saying about it. We are basically leaning to doing it more like my wife's family and my mom isn't liking it - even to the point of "what happened to 'our' traditions?" This is what I have never been able to get through to my mom - that there is more in this family than just me and my side of the family! She's never seen it that way.

And bssage - I wish I could just repeat, repeat, repeat and that do the trick! ha! my mom and I like to argue! She pushes buttons and I push back. Actually, I'm not this time. I'm just stating our reasons for doing what we are doing and really being civil about it. She really just keeps acting stupid!

Thanks for your replies! This was NOT the way I wanted to start my morning!

 

[IADad]

"Really mom, is there a big ecclesiastical reason to open everything Christams morning? please explain.)

I think you did a wonderful job explaining that you are building YOUR family traditions. She's losing her boy and apparently trying to maintain some control so sure it's going to be difficult for her. I really doubt, when it comes right down to it that this is going to be her "hill to die for." If she persists you mayy want to reiterate that you're not abandoning your tradiitons, your blending them to make the best possible for your family and that it hurts you to have her make this a devisive issue.

BTW, for the record - I grew up that Santa cam while we were at Church (which explains why dad was always late getting to the car after we'd all packed up to go to church) Christmas eve, so we opened everything Christmas eve. We adopted DW's family tradition of opening all the gifts from family Christmas eve and then Santa's gifts Christmas morning.

 

[bssage]

"hill to die for."

:notworthy:

Nice

 

[Aylaissi]

Christmas wise my boyfriend and I grew up very different. Differences like... His mother tried to make them believe in Santa as long as possible. To the point that the year he thought he figured out that it was his parents, she had neighbours put the gifts under the tree while the whole family was out. While my grandmother told me when I was three to be cautious, that Santa(as well the Easter bunny and a few other things) were not real. That they were only adults pretending. Followed by a speech about how it made it easy for child molesters to get near children and I should never trust them. Needless to say, my boyfriend and his family find Santa magical, while I to this day am scared of him. So I am still in the process myself of figuring out how to balance the two. However just dealing with the example you gave since your mother seems so bent on pointing out "what about -our- traditions" why don't you focus on pointing out the parts of the traditions still there. Say "we always opened Santa's presents in the morning and I loved that as a child, so I put that from -our- family tradition into the plan" things that make her have to focus on the parts you are keeping instead of what you are changing. Things to make it easier for her, so she feels a bit more like she is not part of the old -our- but she is part of the bigger, better -our-.

 

[NancyM]

I know my life with my MIL was always so difficult all through my married life, I actually allowed her to ruin my Chirstmas for many years just to avoid not hurting her feelings, and not wanting to 'Set' her off.



I'm assuming you love your mom and have a normal relationship with her, that's what I got out of your post so I hope I'm right

As you know, Your mom is causing the problem. Since you love her it's It's probably really hard to let her know that she's that you think that about her.

The problem will only get worse though if she doesn't stop now. One day your wife will resent her because you will always have to bend for her, and than you will be caught in between both woman you love. My husband is there now.!! lol Not a pretty sight!! lol

I think the real problem is that your mother feels a little threatened by your wife. You can never say that to her though.

I don't think you should really tell your mom you want her to butt out because that will only cause hard feelings, she will think you don't love her as much as you love your wife (yep she will). I've been married for 30 years and my MIL still gets between my husband and I (constantly makes him choose) even thought I tell her to stop My husband can't seem to put his foot down and keep it down. So she knows he will 'side' with her.

The only way you mom will back off is if YOU tell her too. She won't do it if your dad tells her, or if your wife tells her, truly only if you tell her.
But you have to do it in a delicate way, not like you would tell anyone else to back off.

If you can do this now in your married life, and do it so NO one gets hurt feelings I promise your life will be so much easier later on. I wish I insisted my husband nip it in the butt immediately.

Maybe if you take her out alone on a lunch date, and tell her that you sense she might be feeling worried that you don't love her as much any more since you have a wife, it might work because mom's really don't want to hurt their boys.

Tell her that you will always love her and she will always have a special place in your heart, blah blah blah lay it on thick with mom. Than bring in the part where you (not wife) just wanted to start a something a little different, a new Christmas tradition that everyone could enjoy, since your daughter loves everyone you thought it would be nice for <I>her</I> to do it this way. Something like that . Try to keep your wife out of it, don't make it her idea because mom might feel it's a competition.

It's a tough one but try to fix it asap because I know it will get worse for you. Good luck.

 

[bworthey]

Yeah.....Nancy, that would work if my mom were both logical and sensible. If something is not done the way she things it should be done, it is wrong and it is stupid. You would think - like you or someone said, that I could explain that I want to take the two traditions and merge them and make new ones, which is what we want to do - and we've found some really cool things we want to do that NEITHER of our families have ever done! But no - that's not the way she sees it - we've already "had it out" I guess you could say. I'm doing everything their (my inlaws) way and it's never their way, I never regard their feelings, blah, blah, blah. And sure, I'm probably guilty somewhat in this too with regards to things in the past - but it's just the way she says it - what about "our" traditions. And I finally told her, why cant you realize there are 2 families represented here and it's not just about the Worthey's (our family).

And it's not that we feel santa is bad or one side did anything we saw as "wrong" with santa - both of us grew up in christian homes. But that's what was so funny that my mom was flipping out thinking we weren't doing santa at all - "poor kid will never know whether santa came or not" - direct quote right there! Things are always an argument with me and my mom though - and someone mentioned about "letting go". My wife and I have been married for 11 years now - it's past time to let go!

I don't know - (unfortunately) they are coming next week for Thanksgiving too - I guess they are - she may be too mad at me now!

 

[mom2many]

Just stick to your guns...your mom will get over it at some point. there might be the occasional snide remarks but just ignore them. Don't give them any fuel, kinda like a toddler if you ignore it they will eventually stop. Change, especially for the older generation is such a hard thing. They become so set in their ways that they can't see past what they feel is a slight, but eventually...in time, at some point they do step back a little.

 

[NancyM]

Sorry Bworthy I know how it feels. However she won't stop I know it will only get worse.

Like I said my MIL is still interfering and giving her nasty remarks when we don't do it her way. (30 yrs later, and 94 yrs old) it takes a toll on you eventually.

Ignoring her really won't work because everyone will always be anticipating her next move when you are all together, and that in itself (knowing that everyone is uncomfortable in your presence) is another type of control.

I hope it works out for you, good luck and keep doing it your way.

 

[Mulligrubs]

So are both sets of parents going to be at your place at the same time? If so then errr...yeh maybe the whole "This is my house...." type thing may be appropriate.

If not and if they're coming at different times, then why not incorporate their way while each are there. Save some presents for christmas day, open some on christmas eve....compromise.

If anyone has anything to say just say that you are trying to incorporate a few traditions here and there and that ultimately this is your family and that you are the one who will decide what tradition you will follow etc. Argue away, but at the end of the day....this is your house...your rules!

 

[bworthey]

Yes, you guys read it correctly - both sets of parents will be coming to our house. My parents feel "slighted" I guess you could say because they feel like we are doing everything like my wife's family does it. I mean, I can see how it seems that way, but that's not our intent at all just like it isn't our intent to throw out all of my families traditions. But trying to explain that to my mom is like trying to explain it to a 3 year old - honestly. Our relationship has long been damaged and there's no fixing it. It will always be this way - I'm sure of it. Things did get pretty bad in all of this and I don't know where we are right now honestly.