We are having problems with our 3 year old son. He throws these incredible tantrums that my wife and I don't know how to respond to. It's getting out of control.
For example, the other day my wife dropped him off at his day home and he had one of his typical fits. He didn't want to go. He screamed, he cried, he struggled--which is normal for him--but this time he wouldn't stop throwing a tantrum even after my wife left. She went to school (she's a teacher) and got a text message a little while later from the day home saying that our son was out of control and that the care giver didn't know what to do. So my wife had to call her mother and get her to pick up our son and take him for the day. So essentially, our son threw a tantrum and as a result, he got what he wanted.
For another example, today I took my son to swimming lessons. He threw another one of his typical tantrums--he did not want to go--and it was a struggle getting into his car seat--he kicked, called me "stupid," he even hit me, and every time I managed to get one of the seat belt straps around his arm, he'd take his arm out. But I finally got him strapped in. He calmed down a bit on the way there, but when we finally got there, he went into a fit of rage again. I didn't want to give in to this--take him back home just like he wanted--but I had no choice--I <I>can't</I> take him swimming when he's like that. So we went home; he got what he wanted.
Nothing really phases him, nothing teaches him not to misbehave; we give him time outs, we take away treats for bad behavior, we give him treats for good behavior. We try to make an example of his older sister--when she behaves well, she gets rewards. I've tried taking away his toys, or not letting him watch movies that his older sister gets to watch--all sorts of things. The problem is we're competing with an incredibly powerful reinforcement: he gets <I>exactly</I> what he wants if he throws enough of a tantrum.
His sister went through a similar phase when she was his age, but it wasn't nearly as bad. She never <I>hit</I> her parents--and I try to be stern with him when he does that; I raise my voice and say "NO! YOU DO NOT HIT!" but he just does it again. It's almost as if he has oppositional defiant disorder. I've heard that boys are worse than girls during this phase, but I wish I knew it was a phase (if it is) because, if it's not, it's only going to get worse. What if he starts breaking things? He's already banging on his bedroom door really hard when we give him a time out. What happens when he learns to unbuckle his seat belt? How are we going to convince him to keep it on?
It's getting to the point where he's controlling us more than we are him.
Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of behavior? Is it a phase? Do we need to be more harsh with our discipline (I don't know how we could without turning it into child abuse)? Is there some kind of reward system we can use? If so, how would the rewards compete with the reward of getting exactly what he wants just by throwing a tantrum?
For example, the other day my wife dropped him off at his day home and he had one of his typical fits. He didn't want to go. He screamed, he cried, he struggled--which is normal for him--but this time he wouldn't stop throwing a tantrum even after my wife left. She went to school (she's a teacher) and got a text message a little while later from the day home saying that our son was out of control and that the care giver didn't know what to do. So my wife had to call her mother and get her to pick up our son and take him for the day. So essentially, our son threw a tantrum and as a result, he got what he wanted.
For another example, today I took my son to swimming lessons. He threw another one of his typical tantrums--he did not want to go--and it was a struggle getting into his car seat--he kicked, called me "stupid," he even hit me, and every time I managed to get one of the seat belt straps around his arm, he'd take his arm out. But I finally got him strapped in. He calmed down a bit on the way there, but when we finally got there, he went into a fit of rage again. I didn't want to give in to this--take him back home just like he wanted--but I had no choice--I <I>can't</I> take him swimming when he's like that. So we went home; he got what he wanted.
Nothing really phases him, nothing teaches him not to misbehave; we give him time outs, we take away treats for bad behavior, we give him treats for good behavior. We try to make an example of his older sister--when she behaves well, she gets rewards. I've tried taking away his toys, or not letting him watch movies that his older sister gets to watch--all sorts of things. The problem is we're competing with an incredibly powerful reinforcement: he gets <I>exactly</I> what he wants if he throws enough of a tantrum.
His sister went through a similar phase when she was his age, but it wasn't nearly as bad. She never <I>hit</I> her parents--and I try to be stern with him when he does that; I raise my voice and say "NO! YOU DO NOT HIT!" but he just does it again. It's almost as if he has oppositional defiant disorder. I've heard that boys are worse than girls during this phase, but I wish I knew it was a phase (if it is) because, if it's not, it's only going to get worse. What if he starts breaking things? He's already banging on his bedroom door really hard when we give him a time out. What happens when he learns to unbuckle his seat belt? How are we going to convince him to keep it on?
It's getting to the point where he's controlling us more than we are him.
Has anyone else had to deal with this kind of behavior? Is it a phase? Do we need to be more harsh with our discipline (I don't know how we could without turning it into child abuse)? Is there some kind of reward system we can use? If so, how would the rewards compete with the reward of getting exactly what he wants just by throwing a tantrum?