4 year old behavioral issues......

[Xero]

This is about to be REALLY long. So if you don't have much time or patience, please turn back now haha.

Let me start by saying that ODS has a doctor's appointment next week, so "ask a doctor" is obvious to me and I'm going to.

I am having so many behavioral problems with my 4 almost 5 year old. I love him to pieces, but our relationship lately is really strained because of a lot of things. For starters, he has become mean and defiant. He constantly makes nasty faces at me and yells rude things at me when he doesn't get his way. He argues with me over everything, everything is such a big deal. He is so emotional and angry so easily, just blows up and throws tantrums all the time.

He cries over EVERYTHING. Like not just tears, but SCREAMING. He can stub his toe, trip, bite his tongue, poke his finger, doesn't matter how small the deed is, it always results in ear piercing screams and wailing like someone just broke all the bones in his body. Usually accompanied by a dramatic display of falling on the floor. Doesn't matter where we are, he will do it anywhere public included. If my husband is playing with him and he does something startling or too scary or rough he will immediately melt down and run away screaming to his bedroom. At school his teachers will tell me he and a friend ran into each other and the friend was fine but he took a while of dramatic crying to calm down. The minute he doesn't get his way, I tell him no, we don't get to do what he wants to do or anything of the sort, total melt down. I had to drag him through the store a few weeks ago literally on his butt kicking and screaming (I couldn't pick him up because I had the baby) because the shopping cart was too small for me to put him in and he wanted in it. NO amount of reasoning or talking will distract this kid from screaming when he has decided to do it. NONE. (he has always been like this too, it's nothing new, he cried constantly as a baby and has always cried and been very dramatic at the drop of a hat his whole life)

He's mean to his baby brother. I get it, there must be at least some jealousy, but still it's just so excessive. He will wait until we're not looking and he will snatch things out of his hands, throw things at him, hit him on the head with toys, poke him with things, get right in his face and make faces and yell at him, kick him and shove him, knock him down and more. I don't get it. He has gone in time out so many times I just feel like he's always in trouble and it doesn't help. I have talked to him about it a million times. It all falls on deaf ears. He just does it all again and again as soon as we aren't looking. He loves his brother and does play with him great a lot of the time. This stuff is just constant through out the day though!

He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. I always catch him with a toy in his mouth, chewing or sucking on it until it's all chewed up and ruined. He constantly puts his fingers and even toes in his mouth, his clothes and pretty much anything he has. He chewed up the handles of the baby's sippy cup the other day. On top of this he will eat gross stuff, like soot out of the fire ring in the back yard or just plain dirt. He will put rocks in his mouth and all kinds of other gross stuff. I just don't get it. I have explained to him so many times that it isn't a good idea, these things don't go in your mouth, and that the germs from some of it can make him sick and I worry about that because I love him. He seems to have no control over it.

He barely eats anything. Sure, if any type of junk food is available he's all for it, but real food he wont EVER try anything new and BARELY eats the things I already know he likes. He will only ever take a couple bites of anything, if I can get him to eat at all. On rare occasion he will decide he's really hungry or really likes something and will eat it all and I am thrilled. But that's very rare. He doesn't like anything, wont try anything, and barely eats the stuff he does like. It's an argument at every meal because he will get up in his chair, take one bite and say "Can I be done?" and if the answer is no, of course again with the melt down and the crying and arguing and pleading. He has had this problem since he was an infant. Everyone kept telling me that it would get better. Well it isn't!

He wont go to sleep at night. Though bed time is at 8, and I wake him up religiously at 8 every morning (which is a huge struggle and he is always tired and cranky and resisting) he will chronically stay up until 11 or 12 at night. He will stay in there and play with toys, get out of bed and fidget with things, I have tried putting the tv on for him but it just keeps him awake even more, he comes out to go to the bathroom, ask me for things, tell me he's scared, you name it until he finally passes out at an ungodly hour. I know he's not getting enough sleep because of the way he acts during the day and it's very frustrating.

He has some major motor skills issues and irrational fears. He can finally ride a bike but refuses to go faster than a snails pace when he does ride, even though we go for walks around the neighborhood every day that it's nice for practice. We have gone to the gymnastics center a few times and he can't do the jumps on the trampoline like all the other kids can and he can't copy body movements or walk across the balance beam like all the other kids (he panics and shakes and has to be held on to, to even attempt it). It's hard to explain, but the coordination differences between him and all of his peers is extremely noticeable.

When I talk to him and correct him, he acts like he doesn't even hear me, when I go to him to correct him he absolutely will not make eye contact with me, and he forgets the things I say only moments after they've been said. He talks CONSTANTLY, the talking is never ending and it's all day everyday.

I don't know, believe it or not there's probably more but this is obviously long enough. I am just so stressed out with all of this lately I don't know what to do anymore. I'm taking him to the doctor and I can only hope for some kind of help there. I was hoping someone might have something helpful to say here.

 

[cybele]

Thats pretty much described Sunny when she was around that age, I dont know how the hell we got through it (actually, we didnt, she was crying and screaming this week because she snapped her bracelet and the beads were on the floor, I ended up screaming "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOURE 12 YEARS OLD, PICK THE DAMN THINGS UP AND THREAD THEM ONTO A NEW PIECE OF ELASTIC AND QUIT BEING SUCH A SOOK")

And it was a similar situation too with a younger sibling, which made it harder, she used to do all sorts of terrible things to Lux, but thankfully now theyre the best of friends.

I did all the 'bad' things. I bribed her, we have a linen cupboard that has those half/half doors, a top door and a bottom door, when she was so out of hand that she was going to really hurt Lux I put her in there on time out and closed the bottom door (left the top open though), I yelled back, I threatened to banish ice cream from the earth, or cancel her birthday, or give Mr.Snuggle Lion to the op shop, or call the TV and tell them to cancel Bananas In Pyjamas. There was no desserts, there was no cake... and so on.

Did any of them work? I dont know. Im not sure if she grew out of it, or if she was just sick of fighting or whatever, but it... lessened in severity. She is a hot-head though, so every now and then it does re-surface, but that is a once every two months kind of deal.

 

[Xero]

I really do hope that as he gets older things get easier and not harder! I feel like we are always arguing and he is always in trouble and always screaming and I'm afraid our relationship just sucks anymore. And I want to be a good mom and I want to be close with him.

 

[bssage]

Wellllll thats a lot of stuff Xero.

You know Cole has ADHD and is medicated. He was/is imposable without it. When you take him to the Doctor one of the big questions will be: Does he exhibit the same or similar behavior in the care of others. School grandparents ect. Which you kinda answered that in your post.

But I think before you get to that point. I would attack the sleep: head on with both barrels. IMHO lack of proper sleep can account for most: if not all of what you are seeing. IMHO I would for the time being just do you best to manage his behavior issues. And focus on what needs to be done to sleep. I know you have been a part of the conversations about foods, routines, exercise , ect: things to help bring about a sleep mood. I would bring all the tools to bear on this issue. I have always been a big advocate of books on tape(cd) and many can be download mp3 now. If you have to relocate toys ect to another room. Carful not to let him think he is being punished. Just that you trying to help.

IMHO sleep deprivation is just like being drunk. And I dont know about you but I have a habit of making bad decisions when I am drunk. He is making a ton of bad decisions. And while I would not rule out ADHD. I think to establish true "root cause" you have to do your best to rule out the sleep issue first. I know its PITA and it is something we still have an issue with from time to time.

When I am home I lay in bed with Chloe for about a half hour quietly talking and teasing before I leave. She almost always stays in bed. With Cole we had the books on tape. And I would lay in bed with the lights off telling stories. The stories had rules: I would tell a story then he would tell a story. The story had to begin with a truth or something that really happened that day. But it is encouraged to it to become entirely fiction by stories end.

I think it helps clear their minds. Shifts focus from the days concerns to something else. That just a guess. But I have had a lot of success with it.

I would guess it wont fix everything. But IMO Lack of sleep is a large red flag for behavior issues.

Ps the terrible two's are a blatant lie. We had the terrible three's four's and five's.

 

[Incogneato]

I'm not sure how helpful it will be, but I'd say that number one, I agree with bssage in that I'd make sure that the sleep situation gets resolved as soon as possible. I'm not sure what your current routine for him is at bedtime, so I may be covering things you already do, but I'd start by ensuring that any excuse he uses to stay up longer is already taken care of (I.E., make sure he uses the bath room before he goes to bed, have him drink a small bit of water before he goes to bed, or put a small glass of water on a bed stand, etc) Doing this should remove any excuse he has to continue to get out of bed or stay out of bed. If he continues to get out of bed and leave his room I'd just keep putting him back in bed by walking him in there, until he falls asleep. He could be a kid that just has a ton of energy or has trouble unwinding to go to sleep. Once again, I'm not sure what currently happens in your house, but perhaps he could play outside more or do something more physical to wear him out in the afternoon/early evening? If he's playing/doing stuff in his room and not coming out and being disruptive, I'd say remove distractions from his room to encourage sleep.

Once again, this is just my opinion, but in regards to your concern about wanting to have a good relationship, I can understand that, but to me, your role as a parent is to ensure rules and boundaries are established and that he grows up to be a good and productive member of society... if that means that you are always punishing with timeouts or whatever is deemed necessary to correct his behavior, then that's what you have to do.

 

[mom2many]

You and I have already talked about this, and Eli does fall within 'normal' for many, many young boys that age. There are two points I agree with and that is sleep. Strip hi room of all of the fun stuff (no clue where you put it once you do that ) make his room all about sleep. I can tell a huge difference in Aiden (5.5) when he get's enough sleep. Also you may be dealing with a natural night owl and it is going to take consistent work to re-adjust his sleep patterns. I'm not sure how you feel about it, but melatonin could help give him the boost he needs to get flipped back around.

Last but not least. Consistency, clear cut rules for what will happen when he acts out. That doesn't mean you will see improvement right away or even for months, the point is to get him to see that you will not tolerate it.

As for mistreating Tyler, until Eli can play nicely they should never be left alone. Eli must leave the room with you or you pick up the baby and take him. If Eli is to leave with you tell him why he can not stay. Keep it simple "Eli come with me into the room, until you can play nice with your baby brother I can not leave you two alone." It really is normal though especially once the baby becomes more active.

Next...talk to your doc. Leave nothing out, lay it all out there and see what he says.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Oh man! You are probably ready to rip your hair out. My guy tends to be pretty emotional and gets really mad when things don't go his way. He's always been like that (his dad is a lot lot that too).

I agree with everyone else that the sleep thing should tried to be tackled first. It's going to be rough, and it's enough of a problem to have on it's own. Having a set routine is good. And having a lot of wind down time sounds like it will help. Both of my guys too pretty good with that. My oldest, it was dinner, then bath, then some snuggle time, then off to bed for three books and lights out and then I would sing him Hush Little Baby three times and that was that. But if I didn't do it like that, it seemed like things were much harder. I was pretty strict about the three books, three song thing. No more than that. My younger, we do a couple of books, and I lay in my bed, and he is in his crib (in my room) and read until he lays down and goes to sleep (usually only 10 minutes!).

I think I would take a look at what he is eating a little more closely. If he is getting too much sugar (or caffeine) in the afternoon/evening, that could be winding him up some. I would try and cut out as much overly processed foods as you can too. Some people are very sensitive to all of the additives.

I will be curious to hear what the doc has to say. You will have to keep us posted.

OH, almost forgot... one of the things I did when my oldest was younger to help prevent melt downs is try and cover the bases before we even go there. I would be pretty specific about what we were going to do and what I expected. "Ok, we are going to the store so I can get some carrots, eggs, and chicken. I want you to keep your hands to yourself and I don't want you to ask me if you can have anything. After we go to the store and everything goes well, we will go to the park for a little bit. If you can't do like I ask, we are not going to go to the park. Ok?" Worked well for us at least 80% of the time

 

[ElliottCarasDad]

He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. I always catch him with a toy in his mouth, chewing or sucking on it until it's all chewed up and ruined. He constantly puts his fingers and even toes in his mouth, his clothes and pretty much anything he has. He chewed up the handles of the baby's sippy cup the other day. On top of this he will eat gross stuff, like soot out of the fire ring in the back yard or just plain dirt. He will put rocks in his mouth and all kinds of other gross stuff.

My mom told me I would eat dirt when I was a kid and it turned out I had some kind of vitamin deficiency and your body knows it and you instinctively eat things you need.

Also, my boy constantly has something in his mouth! (I look at him now and he is chewing on his blanket while playing a Dora game!) I think they grow out of that.

 

[Xero]

ECD I seriously caught him licking the bottom of his shoe today. Sigh. lol Yeah I have wondered about pica, I mean it would make sense because he doesn't eat for crap, although he does take a daily vitamin. Maybe his doctor will take bloodwork.

Julie I AM close to ripping my hair out some days. Oh man. He has always had a bed time routine. I never give my kids caffeine, I am strongly against that. I try to avoid processed stuff and sugar but sometimes he does get it, yeah. I'd like to cut it out completely to see if that helps. Another thing that I think is a huge factor is him drinking milk. He is allergic to it (not lactose intolerant, that's different than a milk allergy) and from what I have heard it can cause skin problems and behavior problems. It's just that it's the only thing he ever wants to drink. I can't fool him with anything else ever lol. I am still trying to figure that out.

I swear I try to cover all my bases but it's always something random I couldn't have predicted (like the cart being too small).

M2M - We talked about most of that on FB the other day, but yeah I desperately want him to get enough sleep. I am very seriously contemplating removing all toys. I know that's a big factor. A lot of people have recommended melatonin to me. I don't know how to feel about it. We will see what his doc thinks.

Incogneato - of course I agree that first and foremost I need to be a parent and I need to help him become a good person who can function well in the world. I just feel like the correcting I have to do with him is excessive. And while I don't think a "friend" relationship is PRIORITY I do think it's important, to at least have it a little bit. How can he like me even one little bit if all I do is pick on him all day about stuff I'm not even sure he can control? I doubt he likes being in trouble all the time. And I know it is important to any kid to feel loved and accepted. It's hard to feel like that with all of this, I'm sure. That's my concern.

bssage - DH has ADHD, he is medicated for it. I'm sure it's possible. I hate the idea of medicating ODS but if I have to then we'll see. I would like to try everything else I can first. And yes, I swear he was an angel until he turned four! lol

 

[stjohnjulie]

I was just thinking of something else. When Ilo was nearing one, he became a hell of a lot less fun for Luca. He entered the, "can we give him back" stage. A friend of mine who had a big age difference between her two kids warned me of this. Once the little guys are moving around, getting into stuff and wanting everything big bro has, well, it just kind of sucks I guess. Do you and Eli ever get any time just to yourselves? My husband and I make an effort to spend one on one time with Luca and do something that a little brother can't do. Seemed to help a lot with the times we were all together.

 

[Incogneato]

Incogneato - of course I agree that first and foremost I need to be a parent and I need to help him become a good person who can function well in the world. I just feel like the correcting I have to do with him is excessive. And while I don't think a "friend" relationship is PRIORITY I do think it's important, to at least have it a little bit. How can he like me even one little bit if all I do is pick on him all day about stuff I'm not even sure he can control? I doubt he likes being in trouble all the time. And I know it is important to any kid to feel loved and accepted. It's hard to feel like that with all of this, I'm sure. That's my concern.

I would agree that having a loving and caring relationship is important, but in my mind, that is different than being a friend. I should have clarified my thoughts in the first post, but I meant to include that while continuing the correct the bad behavior, you should also continue to, and even make more evident to him, your approval and praise of his good behavior. Surely he can't be misbehaving 100% of the time from the second he gets up till the second he goes to bed.

I guess my point is, just try to encourage good behavior in him maybe by exaggerating your praise a bit for when he does something good, so at least that way he doesn't always hear the negative, that way he does feel loved.

I also like stjohnjulie's idea in that, if it's possible, which I know it isn't always... but maybe try to take some one on one fun time with him... I wonder if undivided attention away from dad/sibling would go any length in helping his behavior?

 

[Xero]

I was just thinking of something else. When Ilo was nearing one, he became a hell of a lot less fun for Luca. He entered the, "can we give him back" stage. A friend of mine who had a big age difference between her two kids warned me of this. Once the little guys are moving around, getting into stuff and wanting everything big bro has, well, it just kind of sucks I guess. Do you and Eli ever get any time just to yourselves? My husband and I make an effort to spend one on one time with Luca and do something that a little brother can't do. Seemed to help a lot with the times we were all together.

You're right! Although Eli is still young enough that he has a TON of fun with Tyler, and they really do spend most of the day playing, there are a lot of times where I can tell he just can't stand him to. I can tell that sometimes he just doesn't want Tyler to touch his stuff. Or he just doesn't want him bothering him while he's trying to do something and he gets upset about it. Most of the time he really does want to be around him though. And during the bad times I just try to remind him that he's a baby and he doesn't understand, and I try to remove Tyler from the situation to give him a break etc.

One on one time we do need more of. We have always tried to do it, it is always on our minds. It's just hard sometimes because DH has been working a lot of overtime and we currently share a vehicle. However my DH likes to take him to see movies, that's kinda their thing. He will take him to the store with him whenever he goes. And he will take him outside to help him work on the lawn or the house or whatever too. It's Eli and I that need one on one time though, and we just don't get it like we need to. I have been conjuring up plans in my head for us to do. I just have to make it work, because it's painfully obvious that we need it.

I would agree that having a loving and caring relationship is important, but in my mind, that is different than being a friend. I should have clarified my thoughts in the first post, but I meant to include that while continuing the correct the bad behavior, you should also continue to, and even make more evident to him, your approval and praise of his good behavior. Surely he can't be misbehaving 100% of the time from the second he gets up till the second he goes to bed.

I guess my point is, just try to encourage good behavior in him maybe by exaggerating your praise a bit for when he does something good, so at least that way he doesn't always hear the negative, that way he does feel loved.

No, he doesn't misbehave 100% of the time, of course. Past all of this he is a funny, sweet, smart, loving kid. We have plenty of good moments. I am just frustrated with the large number and frequency of the bad moments, you know? I absolutely ALWAYS try my best to make a huge deal out of the good things he does, I try to be very enthusiastic with my praise when he's doing good. I know that's important. And I'm always looking for an opportunity to make him feel like a good boy, and make him feel like he's not always in trouble. But then a moment later he throws a toy car at his brother's head and I feel like what I just said to make him feel good is canceled out by a bad thing. Sigh.

 

[Incogneato]

You're right! Although Eli is still young enough that he has a TON of fun with Tyler, and they really do spend most of the day playing, there are a lot of times where I can tell he just can't stand him to. I can tell that sometimes he just doesn't want Tyler to touch his stuff. Or he just doesn't want him bothering him while he's trying to do something and he gets upset about it. Most of the time he really does want to be around him though. And during the bad times I just try to remind him that he's a baby and he doesn't understand, and I try to remove Tyler from the situation to give him a break etc.

One on one time we do need more of. We have always tried to do it, it is always on our minds. It's just hard sometimes because DH has been working a lot of overtime and we currently share a vehicle. However my DH likes to take him to see movies, that's kinda their thing. He will take him to the store with him whenever he goes. And he will take him outside to help him work on the lawn or the house or whatever too. It's Eli and I that need one on one time though, and we just don't get it like we need to. I have been conjuring up plans in my head for us to do. I just have to make it work, because it's painfully obvious that we need it.



No, he doesn't misbehave 100% of the time, of course. Past all of this he is a funny, sweet, smart, loving kid. We have plenty of good moments. I am just frustrated with the large number and frequency of the bad moments, you know? I absolutely ALWAYS try my best to make a huge deal out of the good things he does, I try to be very enthusiastic with my praise when he's doing good. I know that's important. And I'm always looking for an opportunity to make him feel like a good boy, and make him feel like he's not always in trouble. But then a moment later he throws a toy car at his brother's head and I feel like what I just said to make him feel good is canceled out by a bad thing. Sigh.

Well that's excellent then! I can completely understand how frustrating it must be to give praise one moment and then turn around and have to give punishment the next. In my opinion, as long as you're not only focused on the negative, you're doing just what you need to be doing, which would be emphasize the good behavior and rectify the bad behavior. Hopefully if the sleeping issues get sorted out a bit, maybe he'll feel a bit better overall and then be a little more well behaved. I know if it were me, I would be confused at how he can go from one extreme (nice/caring/friendly), to the other (throwing toys at younger brother's head), in such a short manner, but I suppose to a certain degree that is a child being a child. Best thing you can do is just stick with the discipline for bad behavior and praise for the good behavior.

 

[stjohnjulie]

Maybe you can try and find 10 minutes or so a day where you and Eli have some time alone. I think even just that little bit will help a lot. Luca and I don't do much, but we make sure we have some time. Even if it's just me picking him up at school and taking the long way home. I work all the time and it's hard for me to make alone time for everyone and then also get a couple minutes to myself. That is important too I am going to make an effort to go outside and hula hoop for 5 minutes a day and tell everyone I don't want to hear "MOM!" for that 5 minutes unless it's a near death situation.

I told Luca about my last post and he was insulted I said that he would ever want to give Ilo back He loves him so much. I know he does! But I was trying to tell him how sometimes I know it's annoying to have to always make sure your homework is put up, your loose change doesn't fall out of your pocket, etc etc.

 

[Mom2all]

Can I ask what is his language like? Was he behind in learning to talk? Does he do something repetitively?Like a strange habit of using his hands to count things off or hitting his head with his hand, or some other strange routine like that? And does he make eye contact normally and just not when he's in trouble? Does he do better with a clear cut routine? Like, if he's normally in bed at 8, with pajama's and his favorite toy, and tonight he has to wear his t-shirt and boxers, does that severely change his attitude?

 

[Jeremy+3]

Attempting to be his friend even in the tiniest minority is a stupid idea and I think you already know that, plus you say that he wont like it being told off all the time, but clearly he doesn't seem to mind or he wouldn't misbehave. You say you don't like telling him off, you wouldn't have to very often if his behaviour is under control. Whether you tell him off everyday or once a year he'll still convince himself your the meanest parent to ever exist!

I'll put this in points, it might be easier.

1. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but how will putting the TV on help him sleep? Why does a child even need a tv in their bedroom?

2. What do you do when he uses excuses not to be in bed?

3. Obviously you cannot leave him near Tyler, but it might be better to use a mixture of taking Tyler with you while you go into another room, and other times taking Eli. If you just take Eli he is 'winning' if you just take Tyler he will become more jealous.

4. What do you do when he has crying fits?

5. Does he know what is expected of him, why it is expected and what will happen if he fails your expectations?

6.The rude things he has said to you, he has clearly learnt to say these from experience, so you need to remove the situations where such things are said in his presence.

7. What is his punishment when he has something his mouth? Does it always happen, or just occasionally?

8. He clearly doesn't have dietary issues, he likely just realise the longer he goes without eating the more likely he is to get fastfood.

9. Why can't he leave the table? By making him stay and causing to have a meltdown you are making meal times out to be this big thing, if he wants to go hungry then he can. Just make sure that he knows once he leaves the table he cannot change his mind and have more food. If he is hungry half an hour later, so what, tough.

10. This is where you learn that things only get better if you rectify them yourself

11. The motor skills etc are normal, being scared of falling off a bike is normal to many children as well, but more so when they are told to be careful so they don't hurt themselves etc.

12. He ignores you correcting him because he doesn't want to be corrected, by not looking at you he can convince himself of this as well.

13. Stop giving him milk, he will drink once he realises that his demands will not be met, you decide what he eats and drinks, he should not have any input into that.

 

[Xero]

Can I ask what is his language like? Was he behind in learning to talk? Does he do something repetitively?Like a strange habit of using his hands to count things off or hitting his head with his hand, or some other strange routine like that? And does he make eye contact normally and just not when he's in trouble? Does he do better with a clear cut routine? Like, if he's normally in bed at 8, with pajama's and his favorite toy, and tonight he has to wear his t-shirt and boxers, does that severely change his attitude?

He was an early talker, has always been an excellent communicator. Never behind in that area, ahead actually if anything. The only thing he ever had trouble with were "L" sounds and they pretty much fixed that in school this year. The only thing I will mention is that over the past maybe six-eight months he has started kind of stuttering at times, usually getting stuck on vowels like "Can I go-o-o-o outsi-i-i-i-de?". However if we ask him to stop, think about what he wants to say, and then try again, he can get it out right. I don't know if that's just his brain moving faster than his mouth or what haha. No he rarely makes eye contact. Barely ever if at all. It's not just when he's in trouble. It's all the time. He always does have a clear cut routine, I am just like that it's the only way this household functions properly lol. He doesn't give a hoot what he wears to bed. He could be naked and not notice.

 

[Xero]

Attempting to be his friend even in the tiniest minority is a stupid idea and I think you already know that, plus you say that he wont like it being told off all the time, but clearly he doesn't seem to mind or he wouldn't misbehave. You say you don't like telling him off, you wouldn't have to very often if his behaviour is under control. Whether you tell him off everyday or once a year he'll still convince himself your the meanest parent to ever exist!

I realize that, however you might take notice that I never suggested I wanted to be his friend. Someone else made it out like that. My concern is that we should have a decently loving relationship, and I feel lately that it's hard to have that because of the strain his behavior is putting on our connection. I know he's going to think I'm mean no matter when or how often I tell him off. You'd just think that if you heard negativity from someone all day, you'd feel negatively about them. And I don't like that. I didn't say I was refraining from correcting him due to my feelings. Just that I feel that way. I am allowed to feel like that, and I doubt he realizes it.

1. It probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but how will putting the TV on help him sleep? Why does a child even need a tv in their bedroom?

I thought it might be a good way to keep his focus on something, keep him laying down, and have a way to just lay back and relax while falling asleep watching something pleasant. I set the sleep timer for 30 minutes, I would never consider letting it go all night or anything. I'm not saying it was "right" but I wouldn't consider it harmful. Having a TV in a kid's room is a parenting decision, a lot of people do it and it really doesn't hurt anybody.

2. What do you do when he uses excuses not to be in bed?

"I need to go potty" = "Ok hurry up and go and then back to bed", "I'm scared" = "insert big long explanation of why there's nothing to be scared of and I'm always here to protect him blah blah blah", "I want a hug and a kiss" = I hug him and kiss him and tell him that's it and put him back in bed. I mean he just keeps coming out, no matter how many times I tell him that he can't come back out and he needs to stay there and go to sleep. Most of the problem isn't him making excuses, it's him silently getting out of bed to play around and mess with things and lay in the hallway and stuff like that. As soon as I notice it, I go to him and get him back in bed and tell him again. I don't always notice right away though and he just stays up forever doing stupid stuff! What more can I do other than continually put him back in bed and tell him to stay?

3. Obviously you cannot leave him near Tyler, but it might be better to use a mixture of taking Tyler with you while you go into another room, and other times taking Eli. If you just take Eli he is 'winning' if you just take Tyler he will become more jealous.

Good idea, I will keep that in mind. Thank you.

4. What do you do when he has crying fits?

I gently try to assure him that it's alright, he's going to be okay, and he needs to calm down. I mostly just have to come up with things to say to get him to calm down. Sometimes I will tell him that he is a big boy and all the screaming really isn't necessary. Most of the time I talk him out of it in good time, but if he is just focused on melting down there are times I just don't know what to do and I have him sit in his room, and tell him he can come out and talk to me when he's calmed down.

5. Does he know what is expected of him, why it is expected and what will happen if he fails your expectations?

That's a really big question. I mean, all I can say is that of course I try my best to make sure that he knows these things. Does he always know every time for sure? I don't know. I'm not perfect. Perhaps there are times that he doesn't. I do really try for that though. It's just that not everything is always that cut and dry.

6.The rude things he has said to you, he has clearly learnt to say these from experience, so you need to remove the situations where such things are said in his presence.

I obviously know that, he learned the majority of his rudeness and the nasty faces he makes at me from school this year. A lot of the behaviors that have shown up have been things he learned this first year of his in school. I get what you're saying, but there is just no way I'm going to shelter him from society in order to keep him from learning negative things. He needs to learn that some things you hear and see are not appropriate to be repeated, especially not to your parents. He can't be excused from every bad things he does just because he learned them from somewhere/someone else.

7. What is his punishment when he has something his mouth? Does it always happen, or just occasionally?

He does it all the time, every day something inappropriate is in his mouth. Punishment? I don't know how to punish for something like that. What I do is I take the thing from him, he is not allowed to have it anymore (or at least for a while), and we have a talk about why things don't go in his mouth. That he is a big boy and it's not something that big boys do. And there are germs on these things that can make him sick and just aren't a good idea to eat. It's almost like he doesn't even know he's doing it. And he looks at me like I'm crazy when I tell him it's wrong.

8. He clearly doesn't have dietary issues, he likely just realise the longer he goes without eating the more likely he is to get fastfood.

We don't get fast food very often. My husband is constantly working and I am always home to cook. No reason to get fast food. I try to keep him from eating much junk, but yes there is a certain "if I don't eat now I'll just get a snack later" attitude that he definitely has. I think it's pretty common for kids his age. There are even still only a certain few snacks that he will even consider touching. He has been like that since he was an infant. He always refused baby food or any type of solid food, and would go into a fit if I even tried feeding it to him. And that was before the days he even realized snacks existed lol. He only ever wanted to drink his calories and that was it.

9. Why can't he leave the table? By making him stay and causing to have a meltdown you are making meal times out to be this big thing, if he wants to go hungry then he can. Just make sure that he knows once he leaves the table he cannot change his mind and have more food. If he is hungry half an hour later, so what, tough.

I realize that, it's just that if I let him not eat, then he WILL NOT EAT. He is small for his age already, and as a mom I just feel like he's going to get sick and wither away if he never eats anything! lol And the problem is if I don't try to get him to eat at least a little of the food, half hour later like you say he WILL be hungry and it's not as simple as saying "tough"! I know that's the way it should be, and I try to be that way, but he cries and melts down and tells me he's starving and I wont let him eat and I'm so mean and this big huge thing. I just hate dealing with it and I feel like I NEED to have him eat a little bit at meal time! And it sure as hell isn't going to kill him to sit with his family at dinner. No way am I just going to tell him sure go ahead and do whatever you like! It's not like you're part of the family or anything, just go do your own thing and play or whatever instead of sitting at the table like normal families do!

10. This is where you learn that things only get better if you rectify them yourself

Obviously I'm trying my best to do exactly that.

11. The motor skills etc are normal, being scared of falling off a bike is normal to many children as well, but more so when they are told to be careful so they don't hurt themselves etc.

That's good to hear, I guess I just get worried when I notice such huge differences between what he is doing and what literally all the rest of his peers are doing.

12. He ignores you correcting him because he doesn't want to be corrected, by not looking at you he can convince himself of this as well.

Well obviously, but he never makes eye contact with anyone. I keep asking him to but it's like he can't. He looks at me for a second and then his attention is torn away by any random thing his eyes spot. Otherwise, yes obviously all children don't want to be corrected. So do all kids do this or something, is that what you mean?

13. Stop giving him milk, he will drink once he realises that his demands will not be met, you decide what he eats and drinks, he should not have any input into that.

I am working on it. He doesn't demand to drink anything in particular, it's just a matter of if I give him something different, he tastes it and then leaves it alone. He just ignores it. He doesn't say anything about it, like "hey this is almond milk and I prefer cow's milk". He just tastes it and then leaves it. Then wont drink anything all day. I don't think my sanity can handle him not eating OR drinking anything all day every day!!

 

[Jeremy+3]

The way it looks to me is that you basically pander to all his whims (you might not realise to what extent) and he knows it, look at your meal time example, he misbehaves until he gets his own way. He knows if he carries out certain actions he has ultimate control and what he wants falls right into his lap. It isn't fair on you or him, the longer his behaviour remains like this the more it is being reinforced to him that his behaviour is right.

If you want to change this you can't just use excuses (which you are), it really is as simple as saying tough and actually being the adult and treating him as a child.

With the food, so what if he doesn't eat or drink for a day, he will do when he realises that one he is hungry/thirsty and that he cannot get his own way, he gets what he is given.

With the bedtime as well (they are lame excuses) don't have a nice chat or give him attention, make him get in bed. Take anything overly distracting out of his bedroom put a bell on his door (yes, we have actually had to do this ourselves) so you know when he has escaped and just put him back to bed, don't cuddle him or anything like that, otherwise you are rewarding his bad behaviour.

Like with his bad meltdowns just leave him to it, do not give him attention.

The stuttering you mention is quite normal, it tends to happen when they are processing a lot at once, especially when they reach the stage where mentally they are half way through a sentence but verbally they are on the first word. So they have one word attempting to come out their mouth and one in their head so they can get 'stuck'.

You can't just try, you have to make sure that he knows exactly why he is being punished, otherwise the punishment will have absolutely no effect so it is wasting your time and his. Punishing without explaining is equal to not punishing at all really. He will look at you like you're crazy when you tell him something is wrong, as he hasn't been able to understand that it is wrong yet, then crazy look will turn to the you're mean look or the fake I didn't do it look.

Just use the same punishment for putting stuff in his mouth that you would use for anything else, that way he also knows the consequences for bad behaviour are always the same, he needs to know what happens if he does it, if he knows that he will eventually ask himself if it is worth sticking that ball or whatever into his mouth.

Jake sounds very similar to Eli (apart from eating everything but food), I know if we had chosen to let it carry on as it was the 'easy' and 'nice' option at the time it would be far too late to rectify that decision now and we would be counting down the days until he was 16.

 

[mom2many]

There is some truth in what Jeremy is saying. I say that with much love, you know that, but seeing some of what you do to get little man to do what you want is only encouraging him to 'win'....it's late can't think of a better word. I also, want to add that I am guilty of it myself, but at some point it is necessary to lay down the law; so to speak.