a very hard decision to make....

[Cobra97LSC]

Ok peeps im a newbie around here and I need some advise. Im a single father of a 9 year old little girl. Now for the problem...I live with my parents b/c the money that I made was to pay off the lawyer for my daughters custody case that I won...thanks to God...b/c mommy was very irresponsible and wasnt taking care of my daughter right. Now my girlfriend wants me to move in with her but im debating if to leave my parents side in which theyve been very helpfull on helping me with everything, including taking care of my daughter while im at work. That includes doing homework with her taking her and picking her up from school. Note that Ive never lived alone with my daughter shes only been living with me for about 2 years now. And I wouldnt be living alone Id be with my g/f which loves my daughter to death. Im very nervous b/c my parents live in Hialeah which is a section of Miami...and my g/f does not like Hialeah she wants me to move with her to another part of Miami which is like 15 miles away. I know that its time for me to take the big step and move in with my g/f b/c im 31 years old and im not getting any younger. I used to live alone but since I had to pay for lawyer I had to move in with my parents b/c since everyone knows lawyers are expensive now at days. The other part of the story is that both me and my g/f work 10 to 11 hours a day and sometimes even 12. Id have to hire a bus driver to take my daughter to school and have her stay in after school in which I dont want to but it leaves me no choice. If I lived close by to my parents my mom would be able to take care of taking my daughter to school, picking her up and staying with her until one of us finished work to be able to pick her up. Ive spoken to my g/f about this and she says that she doesnt like Hialeah. what should I do peeps I really need the best adivse here. Ive been with my g/f for a year now and weve known each other for 3 years. I wouldnt want to leave her b/c of this. Theres gotta be a way around this.

Marvin M.

 

[NancyM]

Hi Cobra
Welcome to the board. I'm Nancy and have a 20 yr old son.

Yeah your in a tough spot. What is your relationship with your parents, sounds like they are really good to let you move in with them, obviously they love your daughter and are good enough to let you both live with them.

I think I would not jump out of this living arrangement to quick. The other thing is how does your daughter feel about picking up and moving again, living with your girlfriend, and going to a new school.

My opinion is that since you can see your girlfriend anytime you both want to, what's the rush in moving out. I'm thinking about your daughter, at least she has a little stability now. Can you maybe stay with your parents for a year just to make sure you and your girlfriend are still together, than think about moving out at that point.

Going together one year isn't really a stable enough relationship to move your daughter out of what seems to be a good safe living arrangement for her. JMO

 

[parentastic]

OP, have you asked your daughter what she thinks about it?

 

[Cobra97LSC]

weve known each other for about 3 years in total...2 years as friends and 1 year going together.

 

[Cobra97LSC]

parentastic my daughter likes my g/f very much...they get along really good.

 

[parentastic]

parentastic my daughter likes my g/f very much...they get along really good.

I am glad to hear this, but that wasn't my question!

I was asking if you have asked your daughter how she feels about moving to a new place, living with you and your gf, and seeing her grandparents less. You could describe a typical day, explain the process, and listen to how she feels, if she has fears or if she is excited, etc.

After all, the decision is an important one; she has every right to have her opinion count too.

Also, since you work a LOT, if your own parents won't be there anymore, that means you will need to hire a stranger to take care of her during all these evenings after school? She is not legally able to stay alone until she is 11 or 12, if my memory serves. Have you planned a solution for this? (not only financially, but in terms of trusting someone for such an important role?) Have you asked your daughter if that's okay with her?

 

[Cobra97LSC]

parentastic thats one issue thats really bothering me...i dont want to leave her with a stranger plus like you mentioned i'd have to pay for someone to take care of her. I was thinking after school but Im not sure until what time the after school program runs to so i'd have to find that out. Its a tuff one for sure....its something I dont want to do....I dont trust anyone with my daughter. Not after all shes been thru.

 

[Cobra97LSC]

And my daughter says its ok but then again what does she know about anything shes only 9 years old. The decision is completely up to me. Do I take the big step or not. People tell me that I have to take the risk b/c you wont know if something is going to work out for you until you test the waters. But Im the type of person that likes to think things over a lot.

 

[parentastic]

And my daughter says its ok but then again what does she know about anything shes only 9 years old. The decision is completely up to me. Do I take the big step or not. People tell me that I have to take the risk b/c you wont know if something is going to work out for you until you test the waters. But Im the type of person that likes to think things over a lot.

Ok. So here is what comes to mind: why not try first with a place right next to your parents - as close by as possible? I realize that your gf doesn't like the neighborhood, but hey, it's an acceptable compromise.
And if the neighborhood is more important than you for her, then perhaps that's also an indication.
Otherwise, it's a win-win. You get to try and see how it feels to be with her and your daughter all alone in one place, but you make sure your parents can easily travel to see you, help with the kids, etc.
Then you can see how it goes for the first year... and it's always possible to move away later if all goes well. It also makes for a more subtle transition for your kids. What do you think?

 

[singledad]

Ok. So here is what comes to mind: why not try first with a place right next to your parents - as close by as possible? I realize that your gf doesn't like the neighborhood, but hey, it's an acceptable compromise.
And if the neighborhood is more important than you for her, then perhaps that's also an indication.

I'm inclined to agree with this.

You say your girlfriend loves your daughter to death - if she really does, then she should be able to accept that moving 15miles away from what has always been her home, only two years after she got her first taste of stability, is probably not the best thing you can do for her. And if moving out of the neighbourhood is more important to her than your daughter's well-being - well, I think you can figure out what that means.

I know that its time for me to take the big step and move in with my g/f b/c im 31 years old and im not getting any younger.

Dude, 31 is NOT old, and even if it was, I don't think age is a good reason to move in with someone. If you said that you want to move in with her because you want to always be with her for the rest of your life, well, that would be a totally different story

 

[Mom2all]

Just a thought. 15 miles is not long stretch of desert highway on foot. Why could you not keep your daughter in the school she's in, take her to school yourself in the morning where she could ride to bus to Gram's in the afternoon.. where that part of her life would continue without being left at school for 12 hours a day. You could pick her up when you get off at night. A bit inconvenient I know.. but it would be less money than paying someone to bus her home.. and for after school care.

If you can't come up with a compromise that will be better for your daughter.. I'd agree with singledad.. it might not be the move you need to make.

 

[akmom]

Why don't you just ask your girlfriend the same question you're asking us? "I know you don't like Hialeah, but that's where my parents live, and they're the only ones who can take care of my daughter after school." Basically, if you move, one of you is going to have to cut your work hours to be available for her. You better make sure your girlfriend is okay with that before you make a decision, and be clear about which of you it's gonna be. If she's not on board, then I think your girlfriend is trying to say she doesn't want to move in together. Saying she doesn't like Hialeah might just be a tactful way of saying that.

 

[tadamsmar]

Sounds like a risk worth taking if you have the money for after-school care. The change may be somewhat stressful for your daughter so she will need lots of love and support.

Is there something you are not telling us about your daughter that would make one think she can't handle this change?

Of course, it's not a good sign that your gf won't move.

 

[mom2kkkb]

I think your daughter and what is best for her should be priority. If you girlfriend loves both of you she will be able to understand that. It sounds like your parents are have a strong presence in her life. Why not move out of your parents home, but still near enough that they are still able to help out with her? This really is a compromise.