advice for being independent for 5 yo...

[iglis]

Hi, I am new to this site, as I just moved in with my boyfriend and his nearly five year old son, Luke. I am hoping to get some advice regarding discipline/independence. (What I mean by independence is having a child who does stuff on his own.) Also, this is kind of a long post, so please forgive me.

Luke is with us 2-3 days/nights a week; his mother lives nearby. What I've noticed, while Luke is not a "bad" kid: he doesn't throw many fits, misbehave a lot, or act particularly bratty. But he doesn't do anything on his own. Whether it's watching TV, playing a game, eating, playing with toys, even wiping his bottom after he's gone to the bathroom--really anything at all--he insists that his dad do it with him. To the point where when we go to the playground, an adult, 6-foot-2 man is sliding down slides with him. He never picks up his toys, never helps clean anything up--because his father never asks him to do anything.

As well, his dad never ever says no. For example, even if it's close to bedtime, he gets to watch a movie (or a good chunk of it) or eat cookies. If he doesn't get a present every time we go into a museum store, he pitches a fit and inevitably, his dad buys it (even when it's a $60 stuffed animal).

I finally lost it today, when we were getting ready to leave (me for a dr.'s appt., Luke for school), and Luke was laying on the bed, his dad pulling on his pants for him as if he were a baby. I asked his dad if this was what it was going to be like when we all went on vacation (in a month's time),

So, if anyone has any advice on how to address the situation, without seeming to criticize my bf's parenting, I'd be most grateful.

 

[HappyMomma]

I think the first most important step is that you and your bf have to get on the same page then back each other up with consistancy.

Some kids are more independant than others, but you can encourage him with letting him know what a big boy he is when he does something on his own, even if it's something small.

 

[fallon]

yep...you and dad need to talk and come to an agreement about what you both expect from a child his age. Get on the same page and go from there

 

[HappyMomma]

I found this, it might help...

<I>Encourage Independence by Refusing to Step In</I>
<I>When your child reaches an age to take on an age-appropriate activity, show your child how to do it, then let go and let your child struggle. It can be hard to watch children fight with their shoelaces, or stumble over their words in a new friendship, but it is in these moments that children are learning. The joy they feel when they gain a little more independence can be very rewarding, and a strong motivator to try new tasks in the future.</I>

<I>Believe in Your Child</I>
<I>Children need to know you believe in them. Encourage your children with positive words such as, “You are a smart girl. You can figure this out.” Teach your children to think positively about themselves by modeling this behavior in yourself. The Little Blue Engine didn’t give up and the reward was confidence. Confidence builds on itself, and your child will gain greater self esteem when you encourage independence and responsibility.</I>

full article:
<I>Teaching Children Independence and Responsibility - PcQL Article</I>

 

[Dadu2004]

I'm going to take a bit of a different position on this. Yes, ultimately there should be a united front of the child. But, at this point, he is your "boyfriend". He is not your fiance or your husband. Therefore, quite honestly, it's up to him on how to raise his son. You can offer input and advice if he's willing to accept it, but it's ultimately your boyfriend's decision on how to raise his child. If he wants to raise his child as a "dependent" instead of an "independent" child, or sees no problem with it at this point, then that's his decision.

Now, the further that you progress in your relationship with him, the more influence and "say" you will have in the situation. I do believe that the boy's father should encourage independent behavior, but at this point that's his decision.

Sorry if I came off at a bit of an angle here....

 

[HappyMomma]

That is a good point Sarushjr.

I guess the first real question to ask yourself is where is your relationship at? Do you plan on being together permanently? This answers to these questions do have a big impact regarding the raising of children and how much involvement is appropriate. If you have plans on getting married, you are not only marrying your bf but becoming a step parent as well.

 

[iglis]

In answer to your question regarding our relationship: no, we are not married, but have been together nearly 2 years and are older (39 and 45), so I expect this is a permanent thing, or I would not have moved in. I have one response and one question. My response is that I do feel that I have some right to say something as his parenting affects our relationship--for example, how do we get to spend time together if we can't even carry on a conversation because he's constantly interrupting with "daddy, daddy"? And my question is: What is the right age for being independent? Am I expecting too much? Shouldn't a five y.o. be able to put on his own clothes and pjs? brush his own teeth? go to the bathroom by himself? pick up his own toys? play on his own?

 

[Dadu2004]

In answer to your question regarding our relationship: no, we are not married, but have been together nearly 2 years and are older (39 and 45), so I expect this is a permanent thing, or I would not have moved in. I have one response and one question. My response is that I do feel that I have some right to say something as his parenting affects our relationship--for example, how do we get to spend time together if we can't even carry on a conversation because he's constantly interrupting with "daddy, daddy"? And my question is: What is the right age for being independent? Am I expecting too much? Shouldn't a five y.o. be able to put on his own clothes and pjs? brush his own teeth? go to the bathroom by himself? pick up his own toys? play on his own?

You said that you only have him 2-3 days per week. Are you not spending time together the other 4-5 days per week?

Yes, ultimately a child of that age should be able to...my 4-year old does. In the grand scheme of things, being together for 2 years isn't that long. That means you've only been in the child's life since he was 3. I'm glad that your relationship is progressing and you view a marriage potentially, but one step at a time. You will get the right to be more involved, but right now, it's Dad's choice.

 

[HappyMomma]

how do we get to spend time together if we can't even carry on a conversation because he's constantly interrupting with "daddy, daddy"?

LOL, welcome to parenthood!

I feel that if you two are looking at a permanent status and therefore basically a family unit, then yes you do and as said before will really need to get on common ground... otherwise kids will eat you for lunch.

Kids are all different. My four year old for example brushes her teeth on her own, helps me make dinner, picks up her room by herself but still insists that I dress her in the morning, even though she will dress herself without my asking on the weekends. From what you've posted my quess is that he is capable but is refusing... once again - gotta have common ground before that issues can effectively be addressed.

 

[HappyMomma]

LOL, Sar! At least they are getting two points of view.

 

[Dadu2004]

LOL, Sar! At least they are getting two points of view.

Glorious, ain't it?

 

[Nikita]

This is definitely a tough situation. Everyone has different parenting styles and no one way is right.

Seeing as you are part of the picture and even though just boyfriend and girlfriend, you are still part of the parenting, you should have a input into how things work.

If you haven't already, maybe discuss with your bf your feelings. Hopefully, some sort of compromise on parenting can be found.

My thoughts are the child does seem a little needy, but my son is a very independent child and pretty much has been all through his toddler stage. But every child is different and has different needs.

 

[Sirk]

I'm going to take a bit of a different position on this. Yes, ultimately there should be a united front of the child. But, at this point, he is your "boyfriend". He is not your fiance or your husband. Therefore, quite honestly, it's up to him on how to raise his son.

And here I came to say that.


You're not the mom. You're a girlfriend who could come or go at any time. His son is his forever. If you don't like the situation, find a new guy? There's 6 billion of them to choose from.