at a cross roads...

[Antoinette]

Tim and i have been together for about 10 nearly 11 months. we started dating only a few feeks after Alegra was born.

lately he has been bringing up having a baby quite a lot. i am 19 he is 23 and he keeps saying he wants a baby by 25. i however already have two children to consider and if i waited till he was 25 that would make me 21, make Felix 4 and Alegra 3.

i don't know how much i want another one this soon though i wanted to wait at least till Felix was in school so i got a little break, and so Felix would better understand the concept of having a baby and be able to cope with it better. because with Alegra he was so young to him she has always been around and they are so rough with one another i don't want him to be like that with a baby.

it is such a big deal for me and i want the next one to be very planned and for us to be very prepared. i mean we don't even live together yet and haven't even ben together a year. it is very early to be thinking about having a baby together isn't it?

 

[IADad]

Has he been as passionate about wanting to share a lifetime together with you as he is about having a baby? It all seems so atificial, setting age goals like that ,e specially when there isn't anyone's biological clock ticking, seems almost materialistic. As if he's checking off a list of things to "have." Now, I realize you can't convey everything in one post and I may be reading it the wrong way, but this desire of his seems to be in conflict with yours and I'd say you should focus on building a strong committed relastionship before even talking maybe about babies.

JMHO - Good luck.

 

[Xero]

I think waiting a couple more years would be smart, because it would be nice to have a bigger house, school all finished, and all your ducks in a row (or at least moreso) you know? I think you're tired enough as it is, you don't need another baby anytime too soon IMO. There is SO much time for that to be done. Plus it would be nice to have been with Tim for a couple of years, you just know a person better after a couple of years, and you have a different kind of relationship two or three years later rather than an amount of months later. Its better to wait until you have that before deciding to have another child IMO. Another good thing would be that Felix and Alegra will be at a really good age for it if you wait until he's 25, 2 and 3 year olds are usually pretty good with babies. And you know, if you still feel they are too young at that point, waiting one more year wont kill him.

As for what IADad said, I agree with making sure his passions are just as strong in the area of commitment as they are in the area of baby making. I don't really agree with his views on having a desire to have a baby before a certain age though. I think that's really common actually, and I think most people have good reasons for it. I don't think there's anything wrong with having an age in mind for having kids. Before Eli accidentally came along (lol) I always wanted to have my first child when I was 25. It seemed like the right age to me, as far as maturity and school being done and everything else goes I guess. I didn't want to start any older, because I wanted to be youngish while my kids were growing up. When they are all grown up, I will be in my forties and I am so happy with that. I personally would not have kids after the age of 30. I just wouldn't want to, it feels too late for me PERSONALLY, and the way I want my life to go ideally. So I can relate to his feelings, you know?

Just make sure you put a lot of seroius thought and good judgement into your decision making, and you'll be okay.

 

[Antoinette]

thats tims reasoning too. he wants his first child (and if he is with me possibly his only child) by 25 because he says he wants to be a young dad who an go outside and play with his kids still and have the energy to watch soccer games or ballet classes etc every week and enjoy being there. i understand his motves.

he has asked me to live with him but i told him i want to know i can do it on my own with two kids before i let myself rely on a man again. i have done that before and now i feel i need the independence i need to be the one financially responsible and i need to know in myself that i can handle being the one who gets up every night to felix and still survive..

also i don't want another baby till Felix is a little older because i want him to be sleeping well by then which is is not even close to doing now.

 

[IADad]

I appauld you for taking the step of knowing you can take care of yourself. The last thing any person needs is to be in a relationship and a living situation they can't afford to leave should the need arise.

My only point about age is that it's a little narrow to say by "25"." Sure, I understand wanting be be a father while he's you, but there's nothing majical aboutt 25 that makes it any better than 26, or 27. Having become a father for the first time at 38, I certainly do underrstand the diesrie to be get that younger age parenting done at a younger age, but there are benefits and drawbacks to parenting at any age. My point is that if he's going to be a great dad at 25, then he'll be a great dad at 29, or 34 or 50, so I understand the desire, I just don't think it's a good enough reason to superced other goals and concerns.

 

[Xero]

I would definitely be living with him for a while first too. You just don't know enough about a person until you've lived with them and picked up their dirty underwear for a year or so first lol.

 

[Incogneato]

Well I'd also suggest at least living together for awhile to get a feel for how life would be with all 4 of you in the same house. I understand your wanting to wait, so you can prove to yourself you're able to handle your own responsibilities without his assistance. However, that will push his own artificial timeframe back. Understanding this, you will definitely want to have a talk with him regarding your feelings and plans, and keeping in mind his feelings and plans. A relationship is all about give and take from both sides and you both will have to come to some sort of agreement on how this whole time line will work (if you even want another baby).

 

[sbattisti]

I would suggest living together for at LEAST several years before even CONSIDERING it.

I find it interesting, too, that there is no mention at all in this thread about marriage. I'm not particularly old school about such things, but it seems to me that in your case, particularly with young children already, that a marriage (if you both want to) would at least signify the higher level of commitment you should have before considering another child.

The age number you mentioned is totally arbitrary. I had my son at 30, and trust me, I have PLENTY of energy to do everything he wants to do. If you take care of yourself, then he could have a kid at 40 and still have plenty of energy.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[singledad]

I've been following this thread, but I think I have to comment. It seems to me as if he is doing things the wrong way round. Its as if he already had this plan of having children by 25 before he met you, and was out looking for a woman have them with. As if having children was the goal of the relationship.

Perhaps I'm jumping to conclusions, but anyway...

I honestly don't think you should allow him to talk you into anything you don't feel 100% comfortable with. You are very young, and it sounds as if you want to take some time to find your feet before you have more children. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know that you can do it on your own before committing to another man, and he should be able to respect that.

I suggest you sit down with him, and tell him exactly what you told us - that you care about him and are willing to have a baby with him, but that you don't want to be pressured into committing to any time-frames, because you want to be sure that you are 100% ready, emotionally, physically and financially, before you have another baby. Then take it from there.

PS: I agree with sbattisti that his age cut-off is a bit arbitrary. I know 50 year olds who have more energy than some 30-year olds I know. Its all about taking care of yourself and staying as healthy as you can.

 

[stjohnjulie]

I guess I have been following this thread and something just didn't settle right for me... The age thing, which I understand in a sense, but also seems kind of like putting the cart before the horse. You obviously have hesitation, so I would say wait! And try to explain to Tim that the pressure makes you feel uncomfortable.

One thing that comes to mind is that you may also be feeling that Tim is just trying to meet a deadline and isn't fully committed to you. Baby talk needs to be taken off the table until you feel that he is fully committed to you. You already know what it is like to do it alone and I kind of feel like that is part of the problem. I can completely understand not wanting to have another child if you feel that you may one day have to be a single mom to three kids. Two is hard enough!!!

My husband wanted a family more than anything in the world. I made it very very clear to him when I met him that I was NOT going to have any more children. I suspected that he would just slowly drift away from me. Well, he didn't. And we were married. I knew that he really loved me, was committed to me. I can't really explain how this makes me feel. It's not something I ever felt before. Someone who was REALLY for ME.

I too was thinking I was too old to have a child, I always thought I wanted to be young. But I guess somewhere along the way I slowly changed my mind. I knew my husband would be a good dad. I knew he was committed to ME. So I kind of said, "I'll give him one shot, and if it was meant to be, it was meant to be." Well, it was meant to be! (I didn't tell him he had one shot...)

On being an older parent. My first was born when I was 27. My second at 37. And what a HUGE difference it is. There is something to be said for being an older parent. You have a lot more confidence in yourself when you are older. You are more mature. And it makes it a lot easier. As far as energy goes...well, I can't say I have as much energy as I did when I was 27, but I'm not using a walker to get around, so I think everything will be fine! I don't think Ilo is going to feel 'cheated' because I had him when I was older. Pretty sure he's going to love me just the same. I do think he will benefit from being raised by a more confident mom, but only time will tell.

Antoinette, I think you need to wait. I think that if you feel that Tim is committed to YOU, in time, you will feel differently about being a parent with him.

 

[Antoinette]

the marriage thing he has brought up but I'm not interested. i am only 19 and i know how backward this sounds from a mother of two but marriage is a big commitment and i don't feel i am old enough to be married.

also i lived with David when i was like 16. quickly got pregnant and until he up and moved out on me just a few months before my second baby was born i had never had to support myself i had my family or a man to support me at all times so before i let my independence go again i want to be 100% sure i can do it with 2 kids alone because i know I'm being negative but i won't have another child until i think i am financially able to be a single mother of 3 children.

i never thought david would leave me and... he did so just because i don't think Tim will leave me doesn't mean he won't... i guess i have a little baggage lol.

i have talked to Tim about it and he just keeps saying he won't be 25 for 2 more years so we will be living together by then but still I'm not sure... i know i love him and i know he loves me but that isn't a good enough reason to just jump into a decision like having a baby. its not like buying a puppy its forever and i don't think we have been together long enough to make a decision that WILL effect the rest of our lives.

 

[marypulido]

I would definitely be living with him for a while first too. You just don't know enough about a person until you've lived with them and picked up their dirty underwear for a year or so first lol.

This is absolutely true....until you stay with a person, you arent going to realize.....
:yes:

 

[IADad]

the marriage thing he has brought up but I'm not interested. i am only 19 and i know how backward this sounds from a mother of two but marriage is a big commitment and i don't feel i am old enough to be married.

also i lived with David when i was like 16. quickly got pregnant and until he up and moved out on me just a few months before my second baby was born i had never had to support myself i had my family or a man to support me at all times so before i let my independence go again i want to be 100% sure i can do it with 2 kids alone because i know I'm being negative but i won't have another child until i think i am financially able to be a single mother of 3 children.

i never thought david would leave me and... he did so just because i don't think Tim will leave me doesn't mean he won't... i guess i have a little baggage lol.

i have talked to Tim about it and he just keeps saying he won't be 25 for 2 more years so we will be living together by then but still I'm not sure... i know i love him and i know he loves me but that isn't a good enough reason to just jump into a decision like having a baby. its not like buying a puppy its forever and i don't think we have been together long enough to make a decision that WILL effect the rest of our lives.

I don't think you're being negative at all, you're facing life's realitites head on and you're not letting yourself fall for the rosiest possible picture, you're planning and working toward your and your children's best interests for the future. Date Tim, live with Tim, but I agress don't marry or have a kid with him until you feel like you are in a better place.

Here's one to throw in for discussion, let's take a timeline, let's say you date for a year, everything's going well, you're feeling stable and comfortable with him, you get engaged, married and bam, it's time to make a baby, okay so maybe you don't make his 25 goal, (afterall, I hope he does realize that process take a little bit of time....) so, what happens if this is all going according to plan and 6 months goes by, no pregnancy, 1 year goes by , no pregnancy, 2 years, 3 years 5 years....? Now, I realize your track record with fertility wouldn't seem to indicate this would be possible, but consider that things sometimes happen (or not) inexplicably...DW and I spent 12 years trying to have babies (or at least not trying to prevent them) including some fertility treatment for a few years including 2 rounds of IUI. What would that do for his plans? What would it mean for your relationship?

 

[singledad]

Perhaps you have a little baggage, but I prefer to call it experience Its the stuff that keeps us from making the same mistake twice.

You are not negative and you are not unreasonable. Getting married and having children are big decisions that shouldn't be made under pressure. Surely Tim can wait a while? You have your whole lives ahead of you, so what does it matter if you don't move in together within the next few months, or have a child in two years? My wife and I met when we were still in high school, but we didn't get married until I was 31 and she was 29, and then we waited another three years before we had a child. I'm happy that we took our time. If we rushed into it, we would only have messed it up.

In a nutshell - stick to your guns. You know what you want, and it really isn't too much to ask. You deserve to have those wishes respected.

 

[Antoinette]

i guess i was just rushed into my first two kids and i don't want to be rushed into a third

 

[sbattisti]

i guess i was just rushed into my first two kids and i don't want to be rushed into a third

Hear hear!

And make no mistake, what you've described is rushing. I'd be on the pill and make him wear double condoms until you've been living together for three years and married for two! THEN you can talk about it.

 

[marypulido]

Absolutely true...guess, one never feels what it is and how it feels to be a mother..until one becomes a mom.

i guess i was just rushed into my first two kids and i don't want to be rushed into a third

 

[Antoinette]

I'm on the pill.. but unfortunately my last 2 pregnancies i was on the pill and David wore condoms i am eerily fertile like one loose drop will result in a pregnancy. LOL

 

[Xero]

LOL its funny because Eli was a birth control baby too, BUT I was on a crap load of antibiotics due to a seemingly non-curable kidney infection, and that's what they think happened there. This baby we actually decided to try for, but its funny for a year or two before we decided to try, we weren't using hardly anything! All we did was use spermicidal strips and he would... not finish... in the appropriate baby making location...? (how do you say "pull out" without sounding nasty?? lol). Anyway.

 

[IADad]

All we did was use spermicidal strips and he would... not finish... in the appropriate baby making location...? (how do you say "pull out" without sounding nasty?? lol). Anyway.

I think "not finish...in the appropriate baby making location" actually sounded worse...it's bordering on TMI (actually it probably jumped right over that border) but it did make me laugh and, if you'll pardon the pun, it does paint a picture....

but this reminds me of another question, that I think I'll put in another thread to avoid derailing this one.