Hello everyone, this is my first post here. I will get right to the point with this post and I apologise, it is long. I have an 18 year old son who graduated from high school last May, he started college in August, he was going to a State University(big bucks), I popped for a parent loan, over $6,000.00 for his to go. He lasted about 6 weeks quit going to classes, started smoking, drinking, etc. The deal was that I would help him financially as long as his grades stayed above a C. Needless to say he quit his campus job, quit going to classes and eventually dropped out of school. I've heard all the comments the"school is not for everyone", great it may not be but it would have been nice to hear that from him before plopping down 6 g's. I wanted him to go to the local Community College, but he insisted he wanted to go to this school. So he moves back home, I'm really not happy with him and told him no more financial help with school from me from now on. Told him he had until Dec 1 to get a job or move out, that came and went and no job. I have kicked him out for a week for stealing money from me. Only reason he still lives is because of him mother(needless to say we are having disagreements). 3 Weeks ago he finally got a full time job, with health insurance, vacations, etc. lots of work, had 70 plus whours the first week. I thought this is great, he is starting to be responsible. Last week he was sick one day(flu), since then he has only worked one day. Today I was in the office that dispatches him, other business and I learn that he was fired for not showing up for work. I called my wife and spoke to her and told her to talk to him, becuase if I did it may have come to blows. I'm going to tell him to pack his S*&^ and get out when I get home from work, It's time to grow up. Any ideas on other ways to handle this. Thanks Mark:arghh:
At wits end, need advice!...
- Thread starter docb64
- Start date
I think you are pretty much handling it just fine. He sounds like a bum and his mother is an enabler. Some young adults just need to be tossed on their rear.
I'd also start making him pay back that $6,000 or take him to small claims court just to teach him a lesson.
I'd also start making him pay back that $6,000 or take him to small claims court just to teach him a lesson.
Parents are to blame.
Somewhere along the lines, he has learned that it's okay to mess up and be lazy...because mom and dad will clean up the mess.
Obviously, you guys are still enabling him even now...so really you are just reinforcing his beliefs.
The only fix is to give him the boot, and let him live 100% on his own. Be lucky that you only lost $6k! A real college would have cost you tons!
I'm sure mom gets some kind of satisfaction from bailing him out too. Sometimes you just need tough love.
Somewhere along the lines, he has learned that it's okay to mess up and be lazy...because mom and dad will clean up the mess.
Obviously, you guys are still enabling him even now...so really you are just reinforcing his beliefs.
The only fix is to give him the boot, and let him live 100% on his own. Be lucky that you only lost $6k! A real college would have cost you tons!
I'm sure mom gets some kind of satisfaction from bailing him out too. Sometimes you just need tough love.
Thanks for that advice, yes I do know that we have enabled him, or at least allowed it to occur. That is about to change, as for college, it was a real college, that was for the first semester only, the rest of the money came from grants, loans and scholarships. PS I am having to face this type of thing with employees, were you or I learned from the example of others, worked hard because we saw others working hard and have grown up that way, what I am learning is that the newer generation does not think like that, they want everything handed to them because they deserve it, not because they earned it. Thanks for the replies.
He sounds like 80% of college students just out of high school. I agree, kick him out of the house. Make him realize how much value there is in going to college and working for your money. He will soon realize that in order not to be homeless, you need to go to work everyday and pay bills.
I don't agree with going to small claims court over the loan money at this point. Give him some time to find a place to live, get a car, and a job before making him pay the loan back.
I don't agree with going to small claims court over the loan money at this point. Give him some time to find a place to live, get a car, and a job before making him pay the loan back.
I agree with the others I'd kick him out OR I would tell him that has of May 1st he is to start paying you $200 a month rent to rent the room or something. Maybe that would help and stick to your guns whatever you decide.
Good Luck!
I agree!Oatmeal Kisses said:
Good Luck!
I would definitely make him pay that money back to you. That is what I did with my 17 year old. My son stopped going to his local colledge classes after 1 week and he is currently paying me back for all my cost.
My daughter is only 4 1/2 and I'm no perfect parent or person.
In some ways I agree with everything here (other than the small claims court), but really, I'd have to think harder about those opinions to make a final conclusion as to what I really agree with.
The reason I'm posting is to bring light to another area that no one has mentioned.
You said that he started getting into the party scene - smoking and drinking, skipping classes, the whole loss of the job.
Sounds to me like your son is dealing with some major motivation issues and possibly depression. It wasn't that long ago that I was in a similar boat. Now I can't say that my parents paid for my education and I gave up on it, costing them their money. But I can say there was a time where I gave up on a lot in my life and chose to drink, do drugs and smoke instead of anything else. Then it turned into a cycle - feel bad about a decision, get drunk, wake up, feel like crap from drinking, the drinking is a depressant which only made me feel worse about my poor choices, ok so smoked a joint, forgot about it temporarily, then was too stoned and drunk to make good choices, so I made another bad choice, and then dwelled some more on that poor choice, felt even worse about myself, but hey, have another drink then I was on top of the world....do you see what I'm saying.
I don't think the real issue is forefront and centre here - it might not have anything to do with you, your wife, how you raised him, or the values you taught him, or the school etc. etc. etc. - there may be a deeper problem that is being overlooked.
Sure, don't put this concept into his head, cuz if he is just being a lazy bum, and he hears this depression thing, he might use it as an excuse, but I'd definately open your eyes a little more and take a look at the bigger picture - and while you're doing it, try to remove your emotional attachment from the situation to get a better look at the big picture.
We often don't see everything when we impair the whole truth due to being emotional.
In some ways I agree with everything here (other than the small claims court), but really, I'd have to think harder about those opinions to make a final conclusion as to what I really agree with.
The reason I'm posting is to bring light to another area that no one has mentioned.
You said that he started getting into the party scene - smoking and drinking, skipping classes, the whole loss of the job.
Sounds to me like your son is dealing with some major motivation issues and possibly depression. It wasn't that long ago that I was in a similar boat. Now I can't say that my parents paid for my education and I gave up on it, costing them their money. But I can say there was a time where I gave up on a lot in my life and chose to drink, do drugs and smoke instead of anything else. Then it turned into a cycle - feel bad about a decision, get drunk, wake up, feel like crap from drinking, the drinking is a depressant which only made me feel worse about my poor choices, ok so smoked a joint, forgot about it temporarily, then was too stoned and drunk to make good choices, so I made another bad choice, and then dwelled some more on that poor choice, felt even worse about myself, but hey, have another drink then I was on top of the world....do you see what I'm saying.
I don't think the real issue is forefront and centre here - it might not have anything to do with you, your wife, how you raised him, or the values you taught him, or the school etc. etc. etc. - there may be a deeper problem that is being overlooked.
Sure, don't put this concept into his head, cuz if he is just being a lazy bum, and he hears this depression thing, he might use it as an excuse, but I'd definately open your eyes a little more and take a look at the bigger picture - and while you're doing it, try to remove your emotional attachment from the situation to get a better look at the big picture.
We often don't see everything when we impair the whole truth due to being emotional.