'BAILEY issues'...

[JessicaMadison]

Well, hello everybody. I hope that I'm in the right section. I'm here to vent about my oldest daughter, Bailey. Some of you may know me. I haven't been around the forum in a couple of months. Right now, is a VERY hectic time in life. My oldest son is having a baby, and I have a pair of twins to look after. My husband is at work all day. And, dear, dear Bailey is giving me headaches.

Bailey has always been a good girl. She's a great student, she's talented, athletic, funny, she has a good job, a great boyfriend, she's pretty. She's a really good person. But lately, she's just not the Bailey we know and love. It started in mid-July. About a month after she started dating Aaron. I know I sound lame but I want to give the full story. We didn't like Aaron at first. He's very opposite of our girl. Let me say this in the nicest way I can...he's not the sharpest tool in the toolbox. He's extremely good-looking. But our girl has never been shallow. She has always went for the smart and sweet type. But every since Aaron has been around. It's been constant drama. She's gone to parties. She came home intoxicated. She's doing good in school. But her grades have dropped about 5%. Constantly ragging on her sister. She hasn't been helpful like she used to be. She quit playing sports. Spending her money on junk. We've caught her sneaking out with her boyfriend. She's lost friends. And not to be rude. But we think it has something to do with her boyfriend. His family is sketchy. But what can we do, forbid our 17 year old who's been otherwise responsible to stop seeing her boyfriend? It's upsetting. Hunter has been trying to convince her to stay away from Aaron. That he's bad news. Hunter talked to Aaron. I have never seen my son be so mad in my life. I have never seen him be so vicious as when he talked to Aaron. We don't know how to stop this behaviour. She's never given us problems before. So we're having a hard time disciplining Bailey. Can someone please give us some tips on how to help her? CAN we FORBID her from seeing her boyfriend? Should we? And we're scared that the inevitable will happen. That she will get pregnant with Aaron. We don't want her to make this mistake. So far, we haven't caught her and Aaron having sex. We don't know if she has. She's not that type of girl. But, we realize she's 17 and thinks she loves this guy. And thinks that he loves her too. So it's bound to happen. It might of already. We don't know what happened when she snuck out. But he has a craving for her. And they make out in front of us and do the PDA thing. It seems like Aaron can't keep his hands off her. And this really bothers Jace. This is just not like Bailey. Help! How can we put the pieces back together? I miss my best friend.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

maybe the answer is in the first paragraph of your post? all the changes in life, the stress, the "new" twins, maybe that's the key to changes in her behavior?

As for that Aaron guy, you technically can forbid her to see him, but that doesn't mean it will work -- it would create only more sneaking, lying, and certainly would not bring back your best friend.

As for sex and pregnancy, she will be having sex very soon (if she doesn't already), even if not with Aaron. So she needs instructions on safe sex and some "protective gear". girls might be embarrassed to ask for it, so maybe you should initiate that conversation.

 

[16th ave.]

what ever solution you find--keep your heads up and know that you are just doing what you think is best.

um, one thought that comes to mind: maybe she's coming out of a shell? and just letting loose for a bit?
maybe take her out for some private time with just the two of you and no one else, ask her some questions and talk about calming it down a bit. let her know its ok to go ahead and let loose but remember to keep some sort of control on things and remind her to use protection if she is doing the big deed.

 

[mom2many]

First...ncie to hear from you can't believe the twins are 9 months already!!!

I don't know what words of wisdom to give, that is a really hard spot to be in. I like the suggestion of a girls day out and a lot of talking, how much good it will do...I don't know, but letting her know that you are there is probably the best thing you can do for her. She should still have consequenes when she misbehaves, but I imagine it will be met with some resistance. That is the best I have..hope it helped a little!

 

[IADad]

Well you can forbid her, but if she's already sneaking is that going to do more good or harm? I sense from your tone you don't think that's the answer either. I also suspect you suspect she is sexually active, so be sure she's educated. A baby (or unwanted pregnancy) is not what she needs out of this.

I don't know about the whole girls day out thing, seems to melike she's likely to roll her eyes and push you away, BUT I think you do need to figure out how to get one on one with her - don't disparage the boyfriend, it won't do you any good.

Try asking more questions and listening, really listening and impress upon her that she must know that there's tension and you want her to be happy, so you're there to listen. Ask her what her hopes, her dreams are, her plans, her ambitions, be excited for her. Then when she's had a chance to tell you how she feels about everything, ask her if she understand how difficult it is for you to see her grow up and be independent, ask her if she understands you ar scared. If you make this more of a girl to girl thing thatn a parent to daughter thing she might understand some.

I dunno, I don't have teens and I don't have daughters, just putting on that hat and maybe trying to learn something in advance of my bouys reaching that stage.

 

[JessicaMadison]

TabascoNatalie - Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate your input. I suppose that's true. The changes may have caused her to do these things. Just too many new things to deal with. Plus, the pressure of applying to college and work. That could very much be true. I mean, her brother is gone too. He's always been around. So, I'll look further at that. She's always been very open to me. We have had the safe sex talk before. And to be honest, I bought both her and her brother condoms just so they would be prepared when the time came. But maybe I should bring it up again just to be sure. That's true about Aaron as well. She probably would push me away more.

16th ave. - Thanks for your reply too! I always love the advice you give. That could be true about her coming out of her shell too. She's always been quiet and be the one who stays out of drama. So, maybe she needed to let her wild side out for a change. I do think that she is missing her brother a lot. And he kind of used to act like this. Not in such a dis-respectful way though. But he was always obnoxious and you know, with Emma (his girlfriend) all the time. I do like your idea of taking her out. She's always responded well to a little more attention.

mom2many - Thanks! I know, I can't believe that their 9 months either! It's crazy business. Your advice did help. Yeah, maybe I'll take her to the spa or something. Or maybe just take her out of school. I'm not sure if she deserves to be rewarded with a day at the spa. I kind of just want it to be me and her though. No twins around. And, I'm not sure how much she'd talk with many people around. I could at least take her for dinner. My husband is going crazy over this. He's so upset, he hates the thought of 'Aaron' even touching Bailey. It's hard for me to imagine that my baby girl may be sexually active.

IADad - Thank you so much for your advice. It seems you really knew what I was thinking. Yeah, I'm not sure how much forbidding her would help. She would just be more angry at us than before. And you're right, she would continue to sneak around with him. About her being sexually active. I really don't know. She's at the age where I mean she could be. Aaron would really have to do some convincing. You could be right too about the girls day. She might just think that the idea is lame. I think I may just keep her home for a mental health day. Send the twins to my sister in laws for the day. Yeah, you sound like you are a good listener. I really like the idea of asking her about her future. I'm going to do that for sure. No, your advice really helped. Good luck with your boys in the future. From 17-20 is a really tough stage. But I think you have the right idea.

Thanks again to all who replied. I'm going to keep her home tomorrow.

 

[IADad]

good luck - I don't know how good of a listener I am with my kids, that's one of those things I'm trying to do now before I get in the bad habit of just cutting them off, or preaching to them. It's so easy when they are little and you need to tell them things, then it gets harder to rememebr to listen (but yet we try to teach them to listen to us, to their teachers, to their friends, to show empathy....) just trying not to be hypocritical.

 

[JessicaMadison]

Aww. It happens. Not being a good listener to your kids sometimes. But I'm sure you are.

So, I kept Bailey home from school today. Twins are at my in-laws. We talked all morning about things. We have some things straightened out and some things we're still working at. She's taking a little nap right now so I decided I would tell you guys the outcome.

Well..16th ave. you were right about what you said about her coming out of her shell. She said she just wanted a bit of a change, to let her wild side out. We have made an agreement that she and Aaron will continue to see one another but it will be more limited. We told her she can go out on the weekends with him and once or twice during the week. But she is going to be staying home more often to focus on her school work and helping out around the house. There will be no more sneaking around or lying. We decided if she wanted to go out somewhere then she can just ask. And maybe we will let her go. She has be-friended this girl Brianna at her school who has also been pressuring her to do certain things. So, let's just say...Brianna has been dealt with. She's going to try to be more pleasant with Alexis and us. If she wants to go to a party on the weekend, she can. But she has a curfew of 11:30. She might look into playing volleyball and going back into track. But she is kind of stressed about college. So, she may just concentrate on her studies. I think really what she needed was time with me. I've been so busy with Lauren and Nick she kind of just got left behind in the process. So we're going to spend more quality time together. Not to say that this is all done now. That everything is better. Cause it's not. But we made compromises. And she cried her eyes out. So we're getting there. Working back to the old Bails.

OH, and I almost forgot about the boyfriend thing. She's not sure how much longer Aaron and herself are going to be together. I guess he's really mean to her and ignores her around his friends. So she doesn't know where that's going. But to be honest, I could tell when we were talking that she really adores him. Like almost close to actual love. And I guess that he has pressured her to have sex with him but she declined many times saying that she's not ready for that. But that she did other things in fear. Nice boyfriend, eh? (My canadian moment). But that's my girl. Refusing to do something she didn't want to. I'm proud of her. She was really mature about this. Lots of feelings came out and she's the same Bails with me again. She said she'll try and find a better balance then just Aaron, Aaron, Aaron!

Thank you guys for your advice! It truly helped!

 

[16th ave.]

i'm happy for you guys. it sounds like really helped. you can be proud of yourself mom. she's making some sound adult decisions.
i hope it continues to get better.

 

[sumitprat2]

I agree with IADad