I discussed a lot of this with my sister, so I've copy/pasted the story since I spent a lot of time to write and feel this is the best summary.
Essentially, the entire topic came down to one, very hard and important matter. Ethan (my boyfriend) doesn't want to have another kid. Now, to me that seems unfathomable. I know he loves Ali (his daughter, 2yrs old), and before he had her he had told me he didn't want kids but I knew he'd love her, and he'd be wrong once she came around. I asked for specific reasons and he replied with, "I just don't." and to me, that wasn't possible. There had to be something that made him not want another, especially now when he has Aliand loves her to death.
I understand he may not particularly WANT one - he didn't want Ali, and if he didn't know her like he knows her now, he wouldn't want her now either. I guess I was more unclear as to why he wasn't willing to have another kid, when he knows he'd love it as much as Ali, as much as I would. Well, we talked on and stories from his childhood came up...
Ethan's parent's split when he was 3, and his father was never around. He died of stomache cancer when he was 16. He would visit his father who had a girlfriend who had kids so he would come over and be what he felt like "the visitor" while his dad lived and took care of his "real kids". When Ethan was 15, his mother had been married by then and he was told he'd be having a brother. As soon as that brother came around, his mother never gave him attention unless the police were involved.
His point for not wanting a kid more geared toward's Ali's protection - if she doesn't live with us (with her mom), how would she like "being the visitor" while his REAL children live with him, or how would she like being neglected for "v2.0" (our child together).
There were a couple things I pointed out
1) He dislikes Mike (his step-dad), and I'd like to think I'll know Ali at a younger age, and that she'll like me.
2) A sister or brother would be introduced into her life at a much younger age (5 years from now, 7 years old?), where she'd be given the opportunity to grow up with them, even if she didn't live with us - unlike him and his brothers.
3) If she did live with us, I could never neglect her. I would love her like one of my own and it boggles me his mother did that. If she didn't live with us, I think it's inevitable there may be some sort of jealousy come up between her and her sibling when one gets to live with Ethan, while she doesn't.
4) With any family, feelings of neglect and jealousy will always arise. Sam (my brother) was always jealous of me, Luke (my brother) being the middle child he felt neglected. I'm sure each of us have felt it in some way or another.
I think what hits me the hardest is when Ethan said this... <I>"You can't know. I cannot describe what I felt when I realized not every family was like mine, and I started seeing what I didn't have."</I>
If I had gone through what he had, I wouldn't want another kid either. Some things will inevitable happen for Ali already - her parents are divorced, that's hard enough. She may not even like me. All these experiences Ethan has gone through start to make other things make sense - why his thought process is the way it is, why he hurts and thinks negatively of him self and his life. When he told me he would have been better off his father died when he was younger, than when he was sixteen, I was astonished then but now? I agree. Don't get Ethan wrong, his mother raised him solo...
One time Ethan's dad had called him to come over, and Ethan had told him he didn't want him to drink while he came over and played with his girlfriend's kids. His father then asked for his mom, and he had to listen to his mom defend accusations that she put Ethanup to that. Ethan said if he were in his mom's position he would have been amazed with what she did for him, and he loves her and is close with her, but things shifted minimally when his brothers were introduced.
Ethan is not expecting me to change my mind and not want kids. He thought about this over days, in every scenario to give himself some sort of other perspective, because he doesn't want to end our relationship, he loves me and doesn't want to lose what we have. However, he knows this is something that is not something that can be ignored. For our relationship, it is important to know that the possibility is there in the future, even if we're not ready to committ to it now. I knew when I first met him, he didn't want kids but I didn't think it was that serious, and when Ali came around I thought that had changed as he realized how much he loves her.
Over the last three years, Ethan has changed in so many ways. His perspective on things when I first knew him, and what they've become over there years, has changed. He was confident Ali would not love him like a father, that she would view him as "the guy she sees once in a while" and wouldn't love as much as she loves those she sees daily. Every story he tells me about her, how much she loves him - waking him up at 6 AM just to read a book under the covers... it's annoying, but he knows he loves it. The viewpoint he has of himself is insecure and negative - he thinks he's undeserving of me and anything good, that's he is emotionally and mentally defect and at times, I feel like - I have my own securities too but I know to him, he thinks I'm amazing, as I think he's amazing.
However, after learning of the experiences he had when he was a child, what will inevitable happen for Ali, how could he have another kid? What perspective can he get, to change his mind and apprehension that she may experience what he did, even if on a smaller or different level? To me, I question... why does some unborn child, deserve my love more than someone I know now and love now, and his own child that I love more? I know he isn't expecting me to change my mind on wanting a kid, but to me... why does a child I don't have yet, may not be able to have, deserve my love more than him, where our relationship would end because of it? It's not like I wouldn't be a mother in -some- way, Ali would be there. I just have this feeling though, that me wanting to have a child with him is never going to go away and would only increase over time.
We talked about this for 6 hours, it's not something being taken lightly, it's something we both find very important and neither of us just want to let go of the best thing that's happening for both of us (our relationship) so easily.
What other perspective is there for him to consider?
Essentially, the entire topic came down to one, very hard and important matter. Ethan (my boyfriend) doesn't want to have another kid. Now, to me that seems unfathomable. I know he loves Ali (his daughter, 2yrs old), and before he had her he had told me he didn't want kids but I knew he'd love her, and he'd be wrong once she came around. I asked for specific reasons and he replied with, "I just don't." and to me, that wasn't possible. There had to be something that made him not want another, especially now when he has Aliand loves her to death.
I understand he may not particularly WANT one - he didn't want Ali, and if he didn't know her like he knows her now, he wouldn't want her now either. I guess I was more unclear as to why he wasn't willing to have another kid, when he knows he'd love it as much as Ali, as much as I would. Well, we talked on and stories from his childhood came up...
Ethan's parent's split when he was 3, and his father was never around. He died of stomache cancer when he was 16. He would visit his father who had a girlfriend who had kids so he would come over and be what he felt like "the visitor" while his dad lived and took care of his "real kids". When Ethan was 15, his mother had been married by then and he was told he'd be having a brother. As soon as that brother came around, his mother never gave him attention unless the police were involved.
His point for not wanting a kid more geared toward's Ali's protection - if she doesn't live with us (with her mom), how would she like "being the visitor" while his REAL children live with him, or how would she like being neglected for "v2.0" (our child together).
There were a couple things I pointed out
1) He dislikes Mike (his step-dad), and I'd like to think I'll know Ali at a younger age, and that she'll like me.
2) A sister or brother would be introduced into her life at a much younger age (5 years from now, 7 years old?), where she'd be given the opportunity to grow up with them, even if she didn't live with us - unlike him and his brothers.
3) If she did live with us, I could never neglect her. I would love her like one of my own and it boggles me his mother did that. If she didn't live with us, I think it's inevitable there may be some sort of jealousy come up between her and her sibling when one gets to live with Ethan, while she doesn't.
4) With any family, feelings of neglect and jealousy will always arise. Sam (my brother) was always jealous of me, Luke (my brother) being the middle child he felt neglected. I'm sure each of us have felt it in some way or another.
I think what hits me the hardest is when Ethan said this... <I>"You can't know. I cannot describe what I felt when I realized not every family was like mine, and I started seeing what I didn't have."</I>
If I had gone through what he had, I wouldn't want another kid either. Some things will inevitable happen for Ali already - her parents are divorced, that's hard enough. She may not even like me. All these experiences Ethan has gone through start to make other things make sense - why his thought process is the way it is, why he hurts and thinks negatively of him self and his life. When he told me he would have been better off his father died when he was younger, than when he was sixteen, I was astonished then but now? I agree. Don't get Ethan wrong, his mother raised him solo...
One time Ethan's dad had called him to come over, and Ethan had told him he didn't want him to drink while he came over and played with his girlfriend's kids. His father then asked for his mom, and he had to listen to his mom defend accusations that she put Ethanup to that. Ethan said if he were in his mom's position he would have been amazed with what she did for him, and he loves her and is close with her, but things shifted minimally when his brothers were introduced.
Ethan is not expecting me to change my mind and not want kids. He thought about this over days, in every scenario to give himself some sort of other perspective, because he doesn't want to end our relationship, he loves me and doesn't want to lose what we have. However, he knows this is something that is not something that can be ignored. For our relationship, it is important to know that the possibility is there in the future, even if we're not ready to committ to it now. I knew when I first met him, he didn't want kids but I didn't think it was that serious, and when Ali came around I thought that had changed as he realized how much he loves her.
Over the last three years, Ethan has changed in so many ways. His perspective on things when I first knew him, and what they've become over there years, has changed. He was confident Ali would not love him like a father, that she would view him as "the guy she sees once in a while" and wouldn't love as much as she loves those she sees daily. Every story he tells me about her, how much she loves him - waking him up at 6 AM just to read a book under the covers... it's annoying, but he knows he loves it. The viewpoint he has of himself is insecure and negative - he thinks he's undeserving of me and anything good, that's he is emotionally and mentally defect and at times, I feel like - I have my own securities too but I know to him, he thinks I'm amazing, as I think he's amazing.
However, after learning of the experiences he had when he was a child, what will inevitable happen for Ali, how could he have another kid? What perspective can he get, to change his mind and apprehension that she may experience what he did, even if on a smaller or different level? To me, I question... why does some unborn child, deserve my love more than someone I know now and love now, and his own child that I love more? I know he isn't expecting me to change my mind on wanting a kid, but to me... why does a child I don't have yet, may not be able to have, deserve my love more than him, where our relationship would end because of it? It's not like I wouldn't be a mother in -some- way, Ali would be there. I just have this feeling though, that me wanting to have a child with him is never going to go away and would only increase over time.
We talked about this for 6 hours, it's not something being taken lightly, it's something we both find very important and neither of us just want to let go of the best thing that's happening for both of us (our relationship) so easily.
What other perspective is there for him to consider?
