bring up the topic of having a baby with your loved one...

[Freckles]

Hello everyone. I am new here.

My husband and I have been together for our first year of marriage. (Anniversary is this August 25th!!) We are deeply in love, and even though we have had our disagreements we always seem to keep it cool and running smoothly. I like to say that we have excellent, if not perfect, communication skills, but then I wouldn't be here today. You see, I am.. scared, I guess I could say, to bring up the topic of having a baby to my husband.

No, not scared that he will get angry, but afraid that he may not be ready just yet. He is a worrier. He is the type of man that stresses out easily, and if he has nothing to stress about, he will be worried as to why! Lol.

We have talked on several occasions about how we would raise our kids, etc. And actually, just last week he brought up the topic of what we would name our boy/girl when we have one. We sat up on the internet for hours that night looking up baby names and even wrote up a list for a Boy or a Girl. We chose favorites, discussed origins of the names and reasons, and what we liked best.

So, this really got me riled up. I have always wanted a baby- to bring life in to this world with the man I love. But, my husband always worries about money and time. Well, I have already done all the calculations and discussed with my older sister (Who has two amazing young boys under 4 years old) what it takes. There will be a lot of hand-me-downs because both sides of our family have had a lot of kids lately. One side even had twins- how exciting! So, that would be the crib and change table and stroller and car carrier, etc. If it is a boy, we will have LOADS of clothes that my sister (And many other relatives) have been saving for us (And some of those can be worn on girls too!) and everyone has saved toys for us. And with the money the government gives each month per child, even my sister said they barely noticed the money issue (I'm not the type to get carried away and impulse buy on whether or not I find someone 'cute'. I go more for what is practical at the time)


So, I guess what I am trying to get at.. is that I know I am ready.. but I am afraid to actually bring up the topic of making that baby in fear that hubby will think we should still wait. I know whenever we are asked on ths street "Having kids soon?" I always answer, " In a year or two" and I started saying that last year when we got married. I.. am just a shy person I guess and fear being turned down. I know he wouldn't be mean, but he may feel pressured in to saying yes, and I dont want that either. I dont know, I guess I just want him to say "Yes! I would be so happy!" but I have a feeling he is going to say something along the lines of "Oh, I dont know. Maybe next year? We have so much going on right now.." (But we dont- I am a stay at home wife and have been for a year- i would rather be a stay at home mom!).

From the talks we have had before, the thing I get from him is that he is afraid of how it will change our lifestyle. How it will change our relationship, and our time together. How do I reassure him that we have the perfect lifestyle for a little bundle of joy? (We rarely go out unless it is to bu groceries, and I am home 24/7.)

Any ideas? Sorry for rambling, I have just had this on my mind for so long and I dont know how to approach him or get the right vibe from him...

 

[MidwestMom]

Well, he is right, it will change your lifestyle, and considerably. But you have opened the door to the discussion, so why not just ask him when he feels is a good time to start a family.

Don't approach him with the "I want to have a baby" statement, but just ask him in your conversations about kids, when he feels would be the right time to start having children.

I have a feeling that he probably will be more open to sooner than later, since he has engaged in lengthy conversations with you about the subject of children any ways. Most guys that don't want kids right away, shy away from discussing it at all with their wifes for fear it will raise their hopes.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

 

[Freckles]

Thank you very much for your reply. And yes, I agree, it will change our lives and a lot, but what I was trying to get at is that I think he fears it will change our relationship negatively and permanently. Perhaps he fears that I may never want to have sex again or something, I do not know, but that is so far the vibe I am getting from him.. something to do with fearing a possible negative change in our relationship. (Not the same amount of time together, etc,and I know that it will change, but we will still always make time for eachother!)

And yes, I think I will just ask him straight up when relaxing one night on the couch. " How do you feel about us getting pregnant?" Or something along those lines- I guess I just need a mental booster to get me to say it! Lol.

 

[MidwestMom]

Thank you very much for your reply. And yes, I agree, it will change our lives and a lot, but what I was trying to get at is that I think he fears it will change our relationship negatively and permanently. Perhaps he fears that I may never want to have sex again or something, I do not know, but that is so far the vibe I am getting from him.. something to do with fearing a possible negative change in our relationship. (Not the same amount of time together, etc,and I know that it will change, but we will still always make time for eachother!)

And yes, I think I will just ask him straight up when relaxing one night on the couch. " How do you feel about us getting pregnant?" Or something along those lines- I guess I just need a mental booster to get me to say it! Lol.

I understand your fear a little better now. LOL Makes more sense.

I really think that if you ask him, you'll more than likely get a straight answer. And it will more than likely be something that you will both have to compromise on. But see thats the best part about marriage, its always work, but when your both on the same page and not guessing what the other one is thinking, things go a lot smoother.

By the way, Happy Anniversary! We just celebrated our 19th on Monday.

Good luck girl. I hope that it all works out the way that you want it to.

 

[Freckles]

I guess I may fear this more because I have read so manyt hings where the marriage is perfect, then once they have their first child the parents relationship falls to pieces, or the man becomes abusive, or is not interesting in the raising of the child. It has always been a fear of mine, so perhaps that is what is tying in to this for me- I am subconsciously fearing that something negative will happen, so I am thinking it is him giving off the negative energy when it is actually me. Make sense? Probably not, but that is all right, haha.

Also, I would like to point out that I am 20, and my husband is 24. I understand that this may be an issue for some people, but I assure you we are well rounded individuals who matures well before their time.

 

[MidwestMom]

I think that it will be fine. He's obviously open to the idea, or he wouldn't be looking at names and discussing it with you. You very well my be psyching yourself out about something that you really need not worry about. And I can totally understand why. Its normal to fear the unknown.

 

[Dadu2004]

I said this a few days ago, and I'll say it again... "If you wait until you're financially ready to have children, you'll never have children."

I like the idea of speaking to him in a more general context of "when do you think a good time to start a family is?.." It will lead you down the right road for discussion where you can state your opinion about wanting to have a baby. Also, reassure him that your love for him will never change no matter if there's a baby in the picture. Reassure him that all facets of your relationship will only get stronger with a family, not weaker.

Good luck!

 

[Freckles]

I talked to hubby about it and we have decided that having a baby is the right thing for us!! I will make a new thread. Thank you all for your support, I was so nervous!

 

[Skyburning]

And with the money the government gives each month per child..

Let me ask first if your DH is in the military and then I'll comment further on that..

 

[lal38hr781]

hello ,everyone who know how to make runescape money fast??

 

[Music-dad]

reported!!!


(and taken care of)

 

[zeitgeist]

My wife and I are due to have our first child in April; we just had our 7th anniversary in December.

When we got married, I was low man on the totem pole at work. She was only about half-way through her bachelor's degree. We didn't have a pot to piss in. We decided to wait.

It was a tough choice. She has wanted to start a family the whole time, and so have I - everyone else's kids love me and I love that - but we agreed that it would be a tremendous struggle to put together a safe, secure, reliable home to raise a family in if we already had a family to worry about.

We now have a house, two reliable family cars. She has her masters, and has nearly completed her PhD. I've been promoted more than a few times.

Now, the initial plan was to wait until she finished school. We thought she was only going for her Masters, then she'd get a job, and we'd start a family. When she was accepted into the PhD program, we decided we could wait a little longer, though both of us wanted to start.

I'm not sure what the final cue was that it was time. I got promoted again, she is closer than ever to her PhD and has even started teaching classes at the college. I guess we both finally felt we'd reached the level of security that we needed for our children. We're expecting in April.


What's the point of this whole rambling story? We talked about it all the time. One or the other of us would bring it up, we'd re-explore our reasons for wanting to have kids, for wanting to put off having kids, for the goals we'd set. We both knew what the other felt on the issue the whole time.

This is really a decision you need to make with your husband, both of you together. He needs to know exactly how you feel, you need to know exactly how he feels.

Does that mean you're going to have to wait seven years? Of course not. You might both decide to go start your family right then and there. But if you're not communicating, you'll never know.

 

[zeitgeist]

I talked to hubby about it and we have decided that having a baby is the right thing for us!! I will make a new thread. Thank you all for your support, I was so nervous!

And, of course I only saw this post after I finished writing the novel. :goofy:

Congratulations.

 

[zeitgeist]

I said this a few days ago, and I'll say it again... "If you wait until you're financially ready to have children, you'll never have children."

I'm not sure I can agree with that, though I'll admit there was a fair bit of luck involved in my story above.

At a minimum, I think that there's something to be said for recognizing when you're absolutely in no financial shape whatsoever to start a family.