singledad said:
If you are to be believed, she was physically developed enough to both run and talk, and emotionally mature enough to be clearly bisexual. Yet she was too young to realise that her parents (however useless – she didn’t know better) have suddenly disappeared out of her life?
Let me put it this way, then. Her parents were around so little that Sam had already started parentalizing me before I got custody of her. I was only her babysitter biweekly at best. I, being there twice a week at the most and only for a couple hours at a time, was the one she looked at as her father figure. Think for a minute about what that says about her biological father, who lived in the same house as her.
Now, answer me, how could this change of custody have possibly not have been a positive influence in her life?
Besides, such a big trauma at such a young age would have influenced her emotional development, regardless of whether or not she remembers it now. I certainly explains her clinginess, and her fear of sleeping alone (although that probably also has a lot to do with the unresolved trauma from being sexually abused at a very young age).
If I were to pick a cause for the "sleeping alone" thing, I would pick her first year of life. She slept alone every night in her first year, when she lived in a house where nobody took care of or even hardly noticed her. The next year, her crib was right up next to my bed, and now there was somebody actually caring for her.
The following year, she didn't sleep in a crib anymore but it was still a single-bedroom apartment so she had to sleep with me. That was also the year my ex joined us, and she didn't have to be alone or with a stranger anymore. Then in the fourth year, my ex and I had a falling out and I had to work more, so I had to hire babysitters. I also didn't make it home every night until long after she was asleep, because my shifts were informal and a bit nutso. That was the year she was raped, at a time when she was left to sleep alone. It's also the year she was shot, at a time when she was left to sleep alone.
Later on, her mother and I got back together, she didn't sleep alone anymore, and our family was overall happy again. Then when I moved, her mother took her, and then she's sleeping alone again and her home life is a long, miserable contest of wills with her mother.
I don't think there's any debate as to why she hates sleeping alone. (Why a friend will suffice instead of her always requiring a parent, that I don't really get.)
Ah, ok. This is where we differ.
That is not an uncommon occurance.
To me, assaulting people, unless in self-defence (as in they threw the first punch, or pulled out a weapon, not they were “mean”),
The other students did hit her first. As for the teacher, he pushed for the entire first semester. I'm not saying I agree with her striking him, but I understand why she lost her temper in that situation and so should you. If somebody in a position of authority harassed you to no end every weekday for four months, can you honestly say that at no point you would lose your temper with them?
See above.
giving blowjobs <U>in the bathroom at school</U> (Even if you’re 18),
If it wasn't for this, this line would have made me rather cross.
etc is unacceptably poor decisions.
Her decision to remain in school is not unacceptably poor because these things do not happen on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. They aren't really rare, but they aren't a perpetual issue. Most of her issues are shortly before summer break, shortly after it, and shortly before and after winter break. Why? Probably the breaks themselves, or in the latter case the holidays within it.
I would, of course, be lenient at first, given that you can’t expect a 12-year-old to have an adult’s conflict resolution skills, but I would do everything in my power to teach her to do better, and that would probably include letting her feel the consequences of her actions.
There's no point in letting somebody "see the consequences" of their actions when they're already "seeing the consequences" of other people's actions and the consequences of actions that didn't even occur, were massively misconstrued or couldn't possibly be helped.
If I failed, I would both remove her from the situation and call in professional help.
What IS it with you people and trusting strangers alone with your children? I will <I>
never</I> understand that.
See, I DON’T think that such overtly sexual behaviour is either normal or healthy in such a young child (of any sex or gender).
She's twelve. She's an adolescent. She is in puberty. She has breasts, pubic hair, a menstrual cycle and everything else a grown woman has save one pair of molars. WHY is it so hard to believe that she would have the same urges as a grown woman as well?
But once again, it is a fairly clear consequence of having her sexual development triggered at a far too young age (4), way before she was emotionally mature enough to handle it.
Except that it clearly isn't.
1. If you're using the time she pretty much outright states her sexuality as evidence of her rape "triggering" her sexual development, you should know that her statement predates the rape by at least two months. Clearly, they are not related.
2. Her behaviour was rather decidedly inappropriate on several occasions before that, and that started with a completely accidental discovery. I really don't want to go into the details myself until she gets home this evening, because I only caught the tail end of it, my only role was to separate them, and I have to take her word on that which transpired prior to my arrival. (And trust that her memory from when she was 2 is fairly solid, which I have reason to doubt.)
3. Her sexual behaviour now is within the standard of deviation for her age group. A lot of girls start to do things like that when the hormones hit, most just know better than to do it where they are likely to be caught, such as at school with a boy they don't know very well.
Finally, I just want to add that none of the solution offered would require commands, or any display of power. A parent can have authority without “barking orders”. In fact, barking orders at any one – child or adult –usually only serves to destroy respect and undermine authority. There are other, far more respectful and effective ways in which to instruct.
Our relationship is built on mutual respect, not authority. I want it to stay that way. If I make a decision for her, <I>
that</I> undermines the respect our relationship is built upon. It might be more pleasant to hear an order spoken than barked, but that does not change what it is at its core.
I know I can convince her to try out a couple therapy sessions, under the premise that it can be terminated at any time. I might be able to convince her to try cyber schooling this year, under the premise that she can decide at the end of the year whether to return to physical school or remain in cyberschool, but at this point I doubt it. I can't convince her to stop her "activities" with boys and girls, but after this most recent incident I got her to be smart about it.
She isn’t necessarily doomed – there is still time to help her. But the route she is on now is leading straight towards juvi. <U>If it was my child, I would</U> not be looking for excuses, I’d be looking for solutions.
I am out of patience with this. I am going to be very plain here and you are not going to like what I have to say, but please note that this is not personal and I am being as polite as I can be and still make myself understood. If that is going to be a problem, please read no further and never speak to me again.
You do not know my child or what works with her. You do not know the other people involved or the environment they are involved in. You do not know my location, or the services available. You do not have my financial constraints, nor do you know how to live with them. Even if you did, you are not and never have been in these circumstances, nor have you ever made these decisions.
If any of these things enter into your decision making, you cannot possibly know what you would do, so please stop trying to tell me.
