Checking up daughter's computer use...

[jetsfan99]

Hello,

I have a 16 year old daughter who I just recently brought a laptop for and would like to see what she is doing. I heard from a friend that this is possible with a program that I can install which will show me what she is doing. I am worried that older men might try to talk to her in the chat programs she uses. Any advice for me?

 

[akmom]

I think that spying on a 16-year-old is very inappropriate. It doesn't sound like you have a compelling reason for it either. A discussion about Internet safety would be more acceptable. Just tell her what you are worried about and keep the dialogue open.

If you absolutely must install a program to track her Internet activity, at least have the courtesy to tell her. Otherwise it is a serious invasion of privacy.

 

[pwsowner]

If you don't think she understands the risks enough, it's best to let her know that and help her understand them. I know how dangerous the Internet can be. If it were me, I would want to keep an eye on what she is doing at first and gradually give her more freedom as I think she can handle it, but she would know I want to know what she does because I love her and want to keep her safe. Spying is not a good way to do it.

 

[cybele]

Have to be honest, buying her the laptop then sneaking some software on it sounds like you are setting her up.

Personally, I wouldn't be buying my kids their own laptop unless I felt that I could 100% trust that they would use it appropriately and had enough internet-smarts about them.

 

[IADad]

My kids know we may monitor their devices at any time as a condition if them having them. The rule is:"don't post anything you wouldn't want grandma to see." I follow the elder on Instagram and one he posted something critical of school. That's not really how he saw it, so we had a discussion about hoe things are intended vs how they are perceived. Frankly i think starting them young had helped them grower using technology positively, they see their devices as tools and while they like using them they don't hoard their screen time (much). We'll see as the elder approaches adolescence. But loo think he'll be pretty responsible with it.

 

[pancras]

1. In my view, If you think having sex with an older predator is the biggest risk, then you have inaccurate priorities concerning the risks to your daughter. The highest risk at her age is falling in with delinquent peers and being influenced to engage in risky behaviors by those peers. But I am talking about teens in general, maybe you know something about the specific tendencies of your daughter that I don't.

2. I think the need to monitor a teen might trump privacy concerns in some situations, I think it's a parent's personal decision. But, you daughter will be outraged about the invasion of her privacy if she catches you doing this so it could end up reducing your influence on her.

 

[TabascoNatalie]

I think biggest danger on the internet is that posting something stupid may land you in court.

As for older men... I was messing about in *dirty*chatrooms on IRC when i was her age. Inappropriate -- yes. Dangerous -- hardly. I guess she's old enough to know what these sort of dangers are.

 

[foryourboy]

I don't think there is anything wrong with monitoring what she is doing on the computer. Of it were my DD I would put it out in the open. Not her bedroom.

You must do what you feel is best.

 

[Xero]

Basically what you are saying is that you bought your daughter something that you don't trust her with?

Sorry, just wondering if that occurred to you or not. Anyway, no I don't think it's okay to secretly snoop on her without her knowing you can see what she's saying/doing etc. What I think would be fine would be to put some kind of program on her computer to make it so that you CAN check up on her activity at any time, and make sure she is fully aware that you are able to and that you occasionally will. Seems fair enough warning to me.

Personally, I don't see myself ever having a computer anywhere but in a common area of my house. Not sure though, my kids are still little yet so who can say for sure. I will probably have more of a problem with smart phones or who knows what by the time my kids are that age.

 

[singledad]

having sex with an older predator ... the specific tendencies of your daughter

Your attitude towards the rape of minors is absolutely DISGUSTING

But then, what else can we expect from pancras/troll and liar.

To the OP - I agree with those who say that if you feel that it is necessary to monitor her, it is only fair that she should know about it up front. How can you expect her to trust you and be open with you, if you sneak around and spy on her behind her back?

 

[pancras]

Just to clarify my point, so there won't be any confusion by others. I was saying that, in general, the biggest risks for teens arise from online and offline associations delinquent peers rather than online associations with older predators. So, monitoring associations with peers and the character of those peers tends to be overall more important. But, this is a generalization that might not apply in a particular case based on your knowledge about your child.

 

[akmom]

But I am talking about teens in general, maybe you know something about the specific tendencies of your daughter that I don't.

It's a vague statement, and it can be interpreted a number of ways. Personally, I took it to mean the daughter's online tendencies. Does she chat with friends and family that she already knows? Or does she like to use chat rooms to meet new people? I think the OP is envisioning a scenario in which a predator poses as someone else and then convinces the daughter to meet them in real life. Or maybe he culminates an online relationship in which she shares information or photos that she might regret. What Pancreas is suggesting is that teens tend to associate with their actual peers, and not online strangers who may turn out to be adult predators. But if she prefers to meet strangers online, for whatever reason (isn't that what this forum is, after all?), then he may be more concerned about the less likely scenario of adult predators.

I really don't think that Pancreas was suggesting the daughter might tend to seek out adult predators on purpose. But she might have a "tendency" to be naive, and under the right circumstances, vulnerable.

 

[pancras]

I was really just meant to suggest that the OP might know something that I don't. I wanted to put in a caveat about applying my generality to a specific case. But I can see how what I said could be viewed as insulting OP's daughter, so singledad has a point.

 

[singledad]

Pancras, I was way more concerned about the reference to a child HAVING SEX WITH a predator. “Having sex” is a deliberate act. It implies both intent and consent (in the absence of consent from both parties, the correct term is no longer "sex", but rather "rape"). Using that kind of language when referring to what happens between a sexual predator and his/her underage victims... Wow. It’s about as close as you can come to blaming the victim without actually accusing her of seducing the predator. If an adult female friend told you about being raped in a back alley, you won’t refer to it as the night she “had sex with a rapist”, would you? Why then, just because some cunning manipulation/grooming was applied to coerce the child into submission, is it ok to refer to that as “sex”?

Now, put the reference to the OP's daughter possibly having "tendencies" that can make her more vulnerable in this perspective. Can you see how offensive that is?

You know, the mere fact that I actually have to explain this, is just so incredibly sad...

 

[JakeW]

To the OP, I would just be "hey, hey, hey, hold up, where are you going with that laptop?" The laptop stays within my visible striking distance until he/she is older.

 

[pancras]

Pancras, I was way more concerned about the reference to a child HAVING SEX WITH a predator. “Having sex” is a deliberate act. It implies both intent and consent (in the absence of consent from both parties, the correct term is no longer "sex", but rather "rape"). Using that kind of language when referring to what happens between a sexual predator and his/her underage victims... Wow. It’s about as close as you can come to blaming the victim without actually accusing her of seducing the predator. If an adult female friend told you about being raped in a back alley, you won’t refer to it as the night she “had sex with a rapist”, would you? Why then, just because some cunning manipulation/grooming was applied to coerce the child into submission, is it ok to refer to that as “sex”?

Now, put the reference to the OP's daughter possibly having "tendencies" that can make her more vulnerable in this perspective. Can you see how offensive that is?

You know, the mere fact that I actually have to explain this, is just so incredibly sad...

Just trying to understand where you are coming from here, to get a better idea of what you are thinking.

Are you of the belief that all 16 year olds are legally underage in the sense of being below the legal age of consent, so that all such sex would be rape under the law?

Do you believe that, by my use of the word "predator", I intended to imply the use of force, as opposed to simply trolling for sex or using persuasion or seduction?

 

[singledad]

This is off topic for this thread and I will not participate in continuing this thread-hijack, especially given the fact that your past behaviour leads me to believe that you are simply trolling me here.

 

[JakeW]

Edit
Oops my bad. Didn't realize this thread was old. How do you delete a post?

 

[Xero]

It's not old, Jake. lol This thread is fairly recent. You're good.

 

[artmom]

Just want to put my 2 sense out there. I know this is an older thread, but my daughter is 13 and, even though I always made myself available and open for her to communicate with me without holding judgement, I recently found out that she has been keeping things from me that she is disclosing to her friends on Facebook. She has also posted things that she should be talking to a counsellor about. I don't heavily monitor my daughters messages like a hawk, but I am aware that there is a need to monitor your child online just like you monitor their schoolwork. There should be a balance. I did discuss this with her and she is aware that I might ask to see her messages, but from what I've seen since then has been pretty normal and I don't question her about the mundane. In an ideal world I would not be doing this at all. I do trust my daughter, but I'm having a hard trusting the people she hangs out with. Just let her know that it's not about trust, it's about making sure she is safe and not alone. The internet can be a scary, big place, even for a 16 year old. They think they know all about technology. They will test the waters and may post something that could get them into a lot of trouble. Not just nude photos, but with copyright infringement, plagerism, posting illegal activity, etc. Some will say that a 16 year old should know better, but that is naïve thinking.